Do you feel you have sacrificed in life?

As shared by a friend of mine:

“I always believed that sacrifice is a great virtue and the one who sacrifices is a great leader or a good human being. 

I have heard many stories in my childhood that glorified the sacrifice and the sacrificer. And the metaphors that kept coming were a candle or a ladder.  For most of the questions, one fitting definition that made sense was ‘the one who sacrifices’.  

As I grew up I started making small sacrifices and I would feel happy that I could sacrifice; that i could give up things for others. I felt happy that I could sacrifice for my near and dear ones. Be it what to have for breakfast or where to go. It started with small things. ‘Giving up’ became so easy that ‘asking sorry’ wasn’t a problem at all. I would ask sorry so easily. Most of the times I wouldn’t have an opinion at all – I would simply go with the other person – because I liked sacrificing.

Life taught me lessons. Experiences in life helped me understand how ‘sacrificing’ isn’t a good dynamism in relationships. The one who sacrifices goes through pain. Even though one might wilfully do so, he or she has a pain or loses something. People who did not value my sacrifice pushed me towards my learning. I had life disguised through some good souls who taught  me the importance of win-win. They shared  that ‘you need not have to go through pain or give up something for others to be happy.’ That was an eye opener. I started looking for win-win now in new contexts. Thank you to life, experiences, the ones who did not value my sacrifice and the good souls more importantly.”

Taking it a step further – it’s best to not get the word sacrifice into our lives. If you see, there’s no such thing as a sacrifice really that makes you feel bitter. A soldier is ready to sacrifice his life for the sake of his country and he’s proud about it. That’s his love for his homeland. A parent bends backwards to take care of the child and they are joyful about it. That’s their love for the child. Likewise, whatever we do or don’t do is because that person matters to us and it gives a joy to see them happy. OR, we didn’t have the strength/conviction to stand up for what we believed in. Either case, we can’t call it a sacrifice. We did something for the joy or the fear of something or someone. 

So, does that mean there is nothing called sacrifice in this world. May be very very few things can fall into that category. But the key point to remember is that sacrifice isn’t a word to be used to make others feel obligated towards us, grateful to us or, or for us to feel bitter about life, people or the good that we do. It demeans all that we have done when we call it a sacrifice and expect some sort of recognition or pay-back for it.  

One beautiful way to lead our life is to think win-win at all times. Whether others do so or not, its important for YOU to operate on a win-win basis. You can make a difference when you think that way. And hence, you must do your bit! When there is abundance in this world, why practice scarcity in any form?

Who cares what’s important

It’s all about convenience

We can’t stand up for anything

But we spend endless amounts of time trying to project ourselves in ways that makes people like us.

We spend endless amounts of time trying to defend our stupidity.

We spend even more time in proving others wrong because that’s the only way we may appear right.

We aren’t ready to do anything unless it personally hurts ourselves or our ego

Who cares what’s actually important!

It’s all about convenience!

Even challenges we want only per our convenience!

It’s not impossible. 

But it is inconvenient to step out of our comfort zone 

And do something that makes life worthwhile.

And if we don’t get what we want, who cares!

We can blame anyone for our convenience and comfort!

There’s a problem with the world

“There’s a problem with the world

Because it is not dancing to my tunes

There’s a problem with people

Because they aren’t singing my tunes

There’s a problem with everything around me

Because I am not able to play my tunes

Hence, I am unhappy and grumpy

And I will continue to be, until the end of time!

It’s not my fault. I am perfectly fine!

The fault is with everyone else

They need to change

In order to be considered mine!”

And that’s how she died, the poor old, unhappy soul!

Stop wanting good for others

Half the world’s problems are not because we want bad for others but because we want good for them. 

Desperately wanting good for others, we give them more than what they want, so they can’t digest. Hence, they suffer from indigestion. 

We break rapport with others because they aren’t listening to something that we are offering with much love and good wishes. 

We force people to listen to us because we are able to see something better for them that they are unable to see currently. We want to convince them to see their shadow the way we are seeing it. Which is never possible. 

It doesn’t have to be the best. But can we be happy that they are happy? The best doesn’t give them the happiness as much as this little good is giving them. 

The most beautiful looking dress that we picked is pricking them from within. They might develop a rash as a result. They might only look good but not feel good. And if they don’t feel good, they don’t think good. And if they don’t think good, how can anything be good? But this normal looking, average dress is giving them great comfort right now. They are able to live freely. 

The healthiest food that we prepared is making them feel sick and want to die right away instead of another day. Can we find a balance between health-conscious and happiness-conscious? Can we meet them mid-way?

The costly, branded bag that we got them is not practical and useful for them. So, it’s always lying in a corner. Can we give them the one that has more utility value?

We want them to be happy. So, we are busy advising them with great intensity. Their happiness comes when we stop advising and start listening to them first; when we stop believing that we are right and they are wrong; when we stop believing that we know better than them. 

We can never be fully right about them. We can only be right in our perspective about them, based on our experience of them. Only they can be right about themselves because they live with themselves most. 

If we truly want others to be happy, we have to be happy first. We can’t make something out of someone when we aren’t that ourselves. Happiness is in wanting what they want for themselves or respecting what they want. Your happiness is in knowing what you want for yourself and being clear on that. Not being clear on what others should want for themselves. 

I think a nice sentence to repeat to ourselves every moment would be – “Mind your business” (not to others, but to ourselves). The more we mind our business, the happier we will be and the happier they will be too. 

The more we convince ourselves that we are responsible for others’ happiness, the more miserable we make ourselves and others too. We can’t create something that doesn’t exist. We can only enhance something that is existing. To enhance something, we need to know it and feel it first. 

Do we convince ourselves that we are right because we do everything with the best of intentions? And should we just continue what we are doing, even if it hurts them? Or should we stop convincing ourselves and try changing our lens?

Handling rejection

Do you get dejected when you face rejection? What if it isn’t what you think it is? Read on…

When people are rejecting you, they are giving you an insight into themselves – to understand what they like and don’t like. So, it isn’t about you. Even if it was God in place of you and did what you did, or wore what you wore, or said what you said, they would’ve rejected because in their map, that isn’t approved. So, don’t try too much to seek their approval again in the same way. Find out what’s the difference that’ll make the difference for them. For that, you don’t have to change your values and personality. You just have to tweak your approach.

Rejection doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough. It means, you aren’t good enough for them yet. But someone, somewhere, out there in the world, might still find you good. There’s no denying that. And if no one found it good, no worries. May be they aren’t ready for it. Or, perhaps it is a constructive insight for you as to what the world is looking for is different from ‘what’ or ‘how’ you are offering it to them. 

So, just tweak or transform, don’t abandon yourself! 

Narmada Rao

Psychologist, NLP Trainer & Author

www.masteryourself.in

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCRMxBbuAtDk-uQTND11gs3g

https://www.facebook.com/Masteryourselfacademy/

https://www.amazon.in/Open-Up-Narmada-Rao/dp/1684661617

Feel the freedom of life!

Why would you worry about being shattered, if you can rebuild yourself

Why would you worry about people’s judgment, if you can be kind to yourself

Why would you worry about recognition, if you realize how good you are

Why would you worry about losing someone, if you know to trust yourself

Why would you worry about something going wrong, if you believe you can make it right

Why would you worry about failing, if you are willing to learn from your failures

Why would you worry about future, if you are confident of your present

Why would you worry about falling, if you have the courage to rise every time

Why would you worry about growing old, if you are content with yourself

Why would you worry about dying, if you are living every moment

Why should fear hold you down, if you can touch the skies with faith!

Keep the faith! Trust yourself! Reach for the skies!

My ‘GRAND’father

A very charismatic and learned man – always dressed in impeccable white – just like his character! His aura was such that anyone who saw him stood up in respect automatically. The man I am talking about – Ramaswamy – My adorable, admirable grandfather.

I can talk about the various roles he played from society’s perspective – like he retired as a Deputy Collector and was the most learned man in his entire district, etc. However, I’d rather talk about the man that he was above and beyond all the roles he played and the unforgettable impact he had in my life.I wonder if my life would have been as rich as it is without his invaluable presence!

He used to come visit us 5 times a year for sure (if not more) – those were my sister’s birthday, mother’s birthday, father’s birthday, my birthday and my parents’ wedding anniversary. He never missed coming. And every time he came, he’d give these crisp currency notes as a gift – we’d look forward to that – not because it is money but more because we never get to see such new notes without a single fold. I used to save my money inside a book and keep it away for a rainy day (something that I don’t do very well now 🙂 ). Even after he retired, he continued giving us money – I never found any difference in him post retirement – he still used to shave, dress up in those freshly pressed, crisp white clothes, hair neatly combed, the same zest for life, the same schedule, the same helping nature, moderate on food – nothing changed. I never knew retirement meant something because he made it feel like a man is just as useful and wonderful and fantastic regardless of whether he is in service or retires – it depends on how he continues to lead his life – with dignity and respect. He continued to be the head of the family – guiding people on important decisions like marriage, kids, education and work life.

I, for one, was the luckiest of them all – every time he came home, his evenings were exclusively meant for great conversations with me as a 7 year old. I used to ask him for stories from his younger days – pre-independence era – how was life back then – and boy o boy! What great stories I heard. I grew up listening to his stories – and I was so inspired that I told him I’d write his autobiography! My grandfather laughed and corrected me explaining – it would be a biography since I’d be writing it. It would be an autobiography only if the person himself/herself wrote it 🙂 . He was brilliant in English Literature too. Shakespeare and Milton used to come alive – I learnt Shakespearean lines much before kids of my age could. He quoted verbatim from Macbeth, Hamlet, Paradise Lost etc. He helped my mother with studies when she was preparing for her Masters in English Literature with 2 little brats in the house.

Though I was quite an introvert as a kid – there were 2 people, who I recall having great conversations with – one was my mother’s father who I have just described, and the other was my father!

A lot of values, respect for language, respect for people, helping people in need are things that I have learnt watching my grandfather.

Wait! Before I end – I just have to talk about a recent fantastic interaction with another elderly gentleman Mr. Chidambaram who came for my training program with his grandson. He came to me and said, “My grandson, who is in 10^th grade wanted to attend this training and we stay very far – so I came along with him.” I thought, how sweet of him to take all the trouble, start early in the morning, change two city buses and reach the venue even before I did! What a commitment! What amazed me even more was – although he came to accompany his grandson, he participated in the training program with the same amount of curiosity and enthusiasm as a child would – like a clean slate. It was a humbling experience for me to say the least, to watch him learn and contribute in such brilliant ways. I salute the spirit! It’s inspiring to see such models of excellence. Following their footsteps, I am looking forward to growing up graciously and aging wisely. What else could I have, but respect for yester year’s youngsters and today’s shining stars!

We are who we are because of the inspiring generations before us, who live for us. It is now our turn to take care of them just as much as they take care of us with their unconditional and undying love.

A love that’s deep within spreads all around!

The relationship that I have with myself seems to be the mother of all relationships. It not only determines my happiness factor, but  also determines the quality of relationships that I have with those around me.

 Be it in Psychology, NLP or scriptures, we’ve often heard that what we see in others is true of ourselves, somehow, somewhere! Similarly, what we see in our relationships with others is often an extension of the relationship that we have with ourselves. At times, it may so happen that one has a very good relationship with someone outside of them even though they may not have that great a relationship with themselves. However, the deal with that is, their happiness may be dependent on the success of that relationship. God forbid, if something goes wrong in that relationship, their happiness bubble might burst instantly. It is like – you owning your television but giving the remote in the hands of your neighbour. Whereas, when you establish a relationship with yourself, you’d find it easier to extend that harmonious relationship with others and also, be able to maintain your internal state. Essentially, this is like owning your television and the remote too. When you go inward to develop a relationship with yourself, you get comfortable in your own skin and approach other relationships with ease and confidence. And it is this confidence in yourself that wins you the confidence of others too!

 The question is “how do we establish this relationship with self?” One of the key ingredients to any relationship is communication. And it is not any different for this one too. Do you talk and listen to yourself? You may find it amusing if you aren’t conscious of these conversations with yourself but I think we all do talk to ourselves in different places, different times and in different ways. The tone, quality and extent of these conversations may differ and these determine the quality of the relationship that you have with yourself. For example, if your body is signalling sleep, thirst, hunger, fullness or any other feeling or emotion – do you acknowledge it? Is the tone in which you speak to yourself, kind, loving and patient? Do you talk to yourself in a way that empowers you and uplifts your spirits? What do you say to yourself often and how do you say it? There could be deep revelations when we explore some of these aspects.

To begin with, what do you do when you come across someone you know? You acknowledge their presence, maintain eye contact and greet them with a smile. Why should it be any different when you wake up each morning and look at yourself in the mirror? You are your most familiar face. Acknowledging and greeting yourself pleasantly each morning is a wonderful way to start the day. Eye contact with yourself is as important as it is with others. It all begins with the eyes and goes within.

 For building any relationship, we need time and communication. And this is surely a worthwhile investment. Continue to talk, continue spending time – to build that single greatest and deepest relationship with yourself as that is going to last you till the very end of your time. An enriched relationship with self , enhances the quality of relationships with others too. So, happy journey! 🙂

Living life fully!

July 26, 2005 – Mumbai, Marol Naka, 3.30 in the evening – it had been raining heavily for a while then. There was a power shut down in our office and some of us thought it’s better to try and get home before the local trains stop plying. It wasn’t an uncommon scene in Mumbai for the local trains’ service to be shut down due to heavy rainfall.

We got out of office thinking it was one of those routine heavy rains. Little did we know the adventure that was awaiting us. When we stepped out, there was water till our knees. I was slightly panicking because that was my first experience of Mumbai’s heavy rain. But my colleague was reassuring. So, we began walking. In about half hour, the water level began steadily rising and it was now till my waist. Another half hour or less and the water level rose till my neck. By now, the slight panic had grown into a massive fear. I had no idea what to do. We wanted to get into any building on the sides but we couldn’t.  The current was strong and we couldn’t distinguish between the gutter and the gate. One wrong step and we could be swept away in the water. Frozen with fear, I was holding on to a lorry. One of the men helped me to get on to a bus for safety.

As we sat in the bus we noticed that water was getting into the bus as well. The fellow passengers decided that we should try our luck and walk to Andheri station while there was still light. They spoke of the danger of getting stuck in deep water through a dark night. Petrified, I approached a tall man and sought his help to walk through the water. He agreed graciously. We walked and walked for hours. If it was not for the people who pulled me by my hand and hair, I would’ve been swept away in the water for sure for the number of times I slipped. Death and I encountered a few times that evening! Miraculously, after many hours of ordeal and thanks to many good Samaritans, I made it to my guardian’s place, at about 10 in the night. My aunt was shocked to see me. She couldn’t believe that I made it in that heavy rain somehow. My parents breathed a sigh of relief when they knew I was some place safe.

I sat down, and I could still feel the water current passing through my body. I cried for about an hour. I couldn’t believe I had survived. It was a miracle! In those moments, when I thought death was just around the corner, I had only one wish – to bid a final goodbye to my parents. I did not have anything left unsaid or undone. I was happy with the way I had lived my life and had no regrets. All I thought was – God! Couldn’t you think of another nicer way for me to die?

Today, when I look back, that is the most profound experience. I realized that we have not come with a guarantee tag like a Prestige pan. Our life might end anytime. What if this was the last time I’d be meeting someone? Would I be any different? The answer to that has always been a yes! And so, I choose to celebrate excellence, of life, others and self. Life is too short to be worrying or angry. If this was my last day, all I want is to be happy. I love living life fully – for who knows when might be the last moment. The last time I shared this experience in my training, one of the delegates went home and broke a 10 year silence with her co-sister. Happiness is a choice! Living this moment happily becomes just as important as planning for the next.

Breathe fully! Live fully! 🙂