How to add value to the world

When we don’t take care of ourselves, we release a grumpy, hungry, hurt, angry, irritated, unhealthy animal into the world. That unhealthy animal sees itself in everyone it meets and projects its pain, sorrow, and suffering to everyone. It spreads all of it to unsuspecting others. 

A fully healed animal doesn’t run the risk of getting an infection that could later spread to the rest of the tribe. When we take care of ourselves, we roam freely, like a happy one. A happy one spreads happiness to others. Wherever it goes, people don’t run in fear. People rejoice. People make merry. 

Whatever might be your skills, talents, and achievements, a hungry, angry, unhealthy, wild animal is a threat despite all its blessings. Imagine a rich, successful animal with designer clothes, expensive perfume, in a luxury car, with an expensive phone, and precious shoes – with a brain that is super stressed, a heart that is fragile, and a body that is delicate. Except for the ego, nothing else is solid. The animal might constantly live in the fear of ‘what if my car gets scratched, shoes get dirty, clothes get stained, the phone stops working’ and above all – ‘What must people be thinking of me?’ Despite all luxuries, talents, and comforts, the animal is uncomfortable and projects its own fears onto every single being it meets. 

And think of this other, so-called, selfless being. Tirelessly working for everyone else and has no time to take care of itself. It runs day and night, fights tooth and nail, but burns out quickly and soon falls ill. Now it feels guilty. It feels it should’ve taken better care of itself when it still had health. Now forget taking care of others, it can’t even take care of itself. Bitter feelings arise about the same others whom it spent all its time nourishing. Imagine, if this being had taken care of itself as it was taking care of the rest of the world. Today there’d be 2 happy parties. 

Hence, it is not in taking care of others but in taking care of yourself first that you take care of the world in the most effective way. And if you are not taking care of yourself, you are putting the world at greater risk, my friend! Trying to find happiness by helping others won’t work unless we learn to help ourselves first. What I see outside of me, is because that’s what is true inside of me. If you want the world to be beautiful, kind, and friendly, you have to be that first. Otherwise, no matter how much others recognize you and your strengths, you’ll still be broken by a small gust of wind or criticism. Even love will threaten you if you don’t understand the language of love. So, take care of yourself, strengthen your core every day. Know your strengths, love yourself, be there for yourself. 

Is it okay to show tough love?

Tough love is okay at times, if you ensure (not assume) that the other person clearly understands that there is only love and nothing else behind that toughness.

If you are all the time, or predominantly showing only tough love, and never explaining the reason and not demonstrating much of kindness and understanding, it would be tough for the other person to understand that you love them too. They are only seeing toughness. Love is questionable as far as their experience is concerned. But if you are able to alternate between tough love and kind love, people will be able to understand that you are operating from a place of love.

Sometimes, we act tough out of love, but soon forget why we started and become very agenda based. “If you fulfil my criteria, great! Else, face my wrath! ” – and when I say my criteria, this could well mean things that we want others to do so that they are healthy and happy. However, we get on to an agenda to change someone – treat them like our pet project and that throws everything out of gear. This kind of love creates more fear and makes people want to hide, lie or avoid any situation that involves a confrontation. If people in your environment are showing these signs – then that’s a sign for us to understand that we may have overdone the tough love and it’s time to soften up a bit.

The common mistake we make is by assuming that people understand there’s love behind all that we do. Why assume that? It is our responsibility to communicate love just as much as it is for them to understand. Only when we communicate, will we be making understanding easier for the others. We can’t not do our bit and expect them to understand our incongruent actions or words. If you are most often expressing frustration to someone about how they are, they are going to feel like they aren’t good enough for you. That nothing they ever do will be considered good by you! That’s not a very productive state to get someone into. The more you communicate love, the more you encourage, the more you emphasise on things that you love about them, you will work your magic on them. You will have great rapport and hence, enable them to do better too.

Show tough love when needed, but ensure it doesn’t create deep wounds or fears in the other while you do so. Remember that tough love is only to make someone stronger, not to break them.

No one can hurt my loved ones. But why?

We get irritated, angry, or protective if someone else abuses/ disrespects/ takes for granted, or even comments about the person we love. We would have done that ourselves a minute back or a day before. But that’s okay! We do it out of love. How can someone else do that? We get territorial. We have the right to abuse them – because of the privilege we have given them – to get loved by us. We have the right to ill-treat them or take them for granted because it comes from a place of love. So, it won’t affect them. But others? No way! They don’t even know this person well enough, let alone love, to be able to comment on them and get away with it.

Why do we do that? Is it because we feel guilty for abusing them that we try to make up for it by getting angry at others who do that? Since we can’t change ourselves, we try to make up for our sins by calling others, sinners? It makes us less of a sinner by doing so? It reduces the impact of our insult since we protected them against someone else?

Despite all the love, we don’t have the patience. Despite all the love, we don’t spare an extra minute to understand or explain. But we expect others to do all that with much less love and concern than we claim ourselves to have.

That’s a very strange idea of justice and redemption, isn’t it? We don’t try to become saints but get angry at others and actively call them sinners. So that in comparison to them, we appear less evil! Quite fantastic this mind of ours – we manipulate ourselves more than we manipulate anyone else ! And that manipulation, we call love!

We kid ourselves to believe that all our comments leave no negative impact since it comes from a place of love. While outsider’s comments can damage them? The big news is – Our casual comments cause more damage than any outsider’s intentional actions. Do you know why? Because of our love! They take us more seriously! An outsider’s comment, they can brush off without much thought. But an insider’s goes inside their heart directly. That’s why there’s more damage at close quarters than a war outside the house can ever cause.

It’s time we pay attention to our so-called casual comments, our mild irritation, and our loving anger, to truly see the damage we are causing. No point getting angry on outsiders when the insiders themselves fail to respect and value what they have. How can we expect someone else with half of our love, respect them more than double what we do? This could be true not just of humans, but also of our country, resources, our own selves too. We get angry at someone for commenting on us because somewhere we believe it is true, or we fear it is true. Otherwise, it wouldn’t affect us. We want others to love us, accept us, and take care of us. But we don’t do that ourselves. We abuse ourselves the most. Hence, any little thing that the outsider does, hits us like a cannonball!

The bottom line is, we can’t expect anyone outside of us to do anything that we aren’t doing ourselves. We can have a zillion reasons for what we are – but they are just excuses. We think our reasons provide a source of entitlement for ourselves to get away with murder even. But nothing can take away the effect of your actions unless you consciously change your actions. It is not tough to change provided, we stop hiding behind our reasons. The minute we say, ‘it is tough to change’, ‘anger just comes to me’ – that means we are feeling comfortable being what we are. We have made peace with ourselves for being however sluggish we are. And that is doom’s day for us! Life will never change for the better. This age-old quote never runs out of fashion – “Where there’s a will, there’s a way!” Anything that we have been trying to change but couldn’t, we just haven’t wanted it strong enough. The day we want it like we can’t live another moment without it – change will naturally happen! The time and energy we spend in trying to protect others from others, if we spend in trying to protect them from ourselves, I am sure we’ll change. Won’t we?

My project – a human! Result – destruction!

I made a happy one an unhappy one!

I made a childlike bud a withered one!

I gave rules instead of wings,

Instilled fears instead of confidence,

What did I do you ask?

I tried to make perfect, a natural one!

I kept correcting innocence,

I kept controlling humour,

I kept chaining freedom,

I kept preaching wisdom,

All in the name of life’s preparation!

What happened?

I destroyed it!

The bud never bloomed.

The smile faded.

Fears crept in.

I crippled it!

Now I look at the fearful, crippled, sad one and wonder what did I do wrong?

What should I have done?

Too late, it says! Now the damage is already done!

I sit with myself feeling despair and distraught knowing that nothing that I said or did can ever be unsaid or undone!

It took so much destruction for me realise that it’s better to let them make their own mistakes and learn rather than make them too afraid to even attempt one.

I could have instead just appreciated, gently nudged and silently supported them in building one by one.

Now I stand in ruins where an entire building could have easily been done!

If you want to motivate, don’t do this

We all have the best of intentions. We want the best for ourselves and those around us. In those best of intentions, you’ll be amazed to see the extent to which we use this one particular ‘not-so-good’ method in our day to day lives. It helps us get things done in the short-term. But it is definitely not the best means. It is different when law enforcers do it. It is essential to tell people the consequences of not following law and order. But we use it in our everyday lives in some rather unhealthy ways.

What we are referring to is ‘threat’. Threats can be veiled or open. And these threats are not only for others but even to our own selves. Threat and fear seem to be far bigger motivators than confidence, conviction or other such positive reasons. The segment of population that is most subject to threats are children. And of course, you will find that they learn this skill just as quickly and play it back. But we can’t blame them for it. Who started it after all? Where did they learn it from?

It doesn’t stop here. Threats are a regular part of our conversations with friends, relatives, colleagues etc. Don’t believe me? Take a look. Below are a few examples to get started:

“If I don’t call her back, she’ll be angry.”

“If you don’t finish your homework, I won’t let you watch television.”

“If you don’t do this, I am not going to talk to you.”

Spend a few seconds to think about how might you have used or subject to threat in some shape or form over the last few hours.

Threats can be at various levels:

1. Threat at Value level — Values are principles or standards of behaviour that a person holds at highest regard or a person’s judgment of what’s most important to them in life. Examples of threats here could be:

a. If someone holds honesty as their highest value, and if you attack them on it by calling them dishonest — this can break the person.

b. When you know someone truly loves you and you use that to say, “If you truly love me, you’ll do this for me”.

Exercise great caution using a threat at this level as this can break the person or get them to do things more out of fear of losing out on their value than anything else. Instead of using value to threaten, you could use it as a motivating factor.

2. Threat at an Identity level — Identity is what people believe about themselves. Identities could be based on the roles they play, their professions, qualifications, skills abilities, personality traits etc. Examples of threats at this level could be:

a. What kind of an engineer/doctor/teacher are you, if you can’t do this much?

b. You are not a good son/daughter/father/mother etc. (Or) You are not a man etc.

Avoid using identity level threats because it does nothing but reduce the confidence of the person and that doesn’t help most often. It can also annoy the person and take them further away thinking you don’t believe in them anyway.

3. Threat at a Relationship level — Relationships play a huge role in our lives. Specially, the ones where there’s love involved. Rapport is an important element in relationships. When there’s no rapport, relationships become tricky. Examples of this form of threat could be:

a. I will never talk to you again if you do this. Or, I will leave you.

b. I no longer consider you my friend. You are just my colleague/classmate/mother/father etc.

Threats at this level are not considered healthy because the fear of losing the person might make them want to do other things like lying, hiding, covering up etc. Living in a constant fear of losing a relationship will make them operate out of fear. And where there’s so much fear, there isn’t much space left for love.

4. Threat of work-consequences — This is when we use threat to specify the actual consequence of what might happen if they do or don’t do something. Examples are:

a. If this work doesn’t get done by tomorrow, we will incur a huge loss.

b. If you watch too much television, your eye sight might get affected.

Stating work consequence or an actual consequence is appropriate provided you don’t shout, scream, yell or threaten — maintain your state but be assertive so that they get the point. But let this not be your first option too. Try to motivate people with positive outcomes of what will happen if they do something right than what will happen if they do something wrong.

5. Physical threat — This is the most menial form of threat where we are threatening a person with physical harm. Example: “I will hit you”, “I will kill you” or even raising our hand, threatening to destroy any physical objects etc. Sometimes we may threaten them by using self-harm like, “I will kill myself” or “I might do something to myself” etc.

Physical threat any day in any form is an absolute no-no. It is the most primitive and unhealthy form. Also, the most aggressive. Relationships go for a complete toss when this form of threat is used.

When I observed myself over a 24-hour period to check the necessity to use threat, I was amused. The good part was, I was conscious about not using any form of veiled or open threats at people. But I was forced to use once to my watchman. I kept telling him for 3 days that there’s someone parking their bike in my car-park area and hence I have no place to park my car. However, I saw the bike again in my parking spot. So, I called the watchman and told him that I will park the car in the drive-way going forward if I see the bike parked in my space, rather than wait for people to come and move. I kept thinking of it, and I wondered if there was anything else I could have done other than use threat. But I had tried all methods until then. Nothing worked, so I tried this. But I did not shout, scream or yell. Calmly, yet assertively, I told him the consequences. The following day, my parking lot was free. J So, I figured, sometimes threat is necessary, when all else fails. But even then, not any and every form of threat.

It made me wonder, have we become so thick skinned that only threats work?

Consider the following questions:

1. What fears do you have within that is making you use threat? What do you need to develop within you to be able to speak without threat and yet motivate others to get what you need?

2. What are you doing that is instigating someone to use threat mechanism against you? What can you do differently so that the other person does not feel the need to use any threat against you?

Summing up, when is threat justified?

It should not be your first option. It should not be your second option either. When all other options have failed — only then use it, but with caution. Be aware of the types of threat and their consequences as described above. Choose wisely. Also, bear in mind the following “how” piece of it:

If you HAVE to use threat,

– Reduce the frequency — Don’t use threats too often. They tend to backfire.

– Reduce the words used — Don’t use too many words to threaten. It just makes it more loaded and heavy leaving a lasting negative impression. Know what you are talking at all times.

– Reduce the emotional charge — Don’t be emotionally charged. Maintain your state. Be assertive, not aggressive or impulsive. It only does more damage and creates more fear.

Basically, never put a gun on someone’s head until all else fails and this is the only resort left.

Why threaten when you can inspire and motivate? Let us spread the love for life rather than the fear of living. Stay blessed!

My ‘GRAND’father

A very charismatic and learned man – always dressed in impeccable white – just like his character! His aura was such that anyone who saw him stood up in respect automatically. The man I am talking about – Ramaswamy – My adorable, admirable grandfather.

I can talk about the various roles he played from society’s perspective – like he retired as a Deputy Collector and was the most learned man in his entire district, etc. However, I’d rather talk about the man that he was above and beyond all the roles he played and the unforgettable impact he had in my life.I wonder if my life would have been as rich as it is without his invaluable presence!

He used to come visit us 5 times a year for sure (if not more) – those were my sister’s birthday, mother’s birthday, father’s birthday, my birthday and my parents’ wedding anniversary. He never missed coming. And every time he came, he’d give these crisp currency notes as a gift – we’d look forward to that – not because it is money but more because we never get to see such new notes without a single fold. I used to save my money inside a book and keep it away for a rainy day (something that I don’t do very well now 🙂 ). Even after he retired, he continued giving us money – I never found any difference in him post retirement – he still used to shave, dress up in those freshly pressed, crisp white clothes, hair neatly combed, the same zest for life, the same schedule, the same helping nature, moderate on food – nothing changed. I never knew retirement meant something because he made it feel like a man is just as useful and wonderful and fantastic regardless of whether he is in service or retires – it depends on how he continues to lead his life – with dignity and respect. He continued to be the head of the family – guiding people on important decisions like marriage, kids, education and work life.

I, for one, was the luckiest of them all – every time he came home, his evenings were exclusively meant for great conversations with me as a 7 year old. I used to ask him for stories from his younger days – pre-independence era – how was life back then – and boy o boy! What great stories I heard. I grew up listening to his stories – and I was so inspired that I told him I’d write his autobiography! My grandfather laughed and corrected me explaining – it would be a biography since I’d be writing it. It would be an autobiography only if the person himself/herself wrote it 🙂 . He was brilliant in English Literature too. Shakespeare and Milton used to come alive – I learnt Shakespearean lines much before kids of my age could. He quoted verbatim from Macbeth, Hamlet, Paradise Lost etc. He helped my mother with studies when she was preparing for her Masters in English Literature with 2 little brats in the house.

Though I was quite an introvert as a kid – there were 2 people, who I recall having great conversations with – one was my mother’s father who I have just described, and the other was my father!

A lot of values, respect for language, respect for people, helping people in need are things that I have learnt watching my grandfather.

Wait! Before I end – I just have to talk about a recent fantastic interaction with another elderly gentleman Mr. Chidambaram who came for my training program with his grandson. He came to me and said, “My grandson, who is in 10^th grade wanted to attend this training and we stay very far – so I came along with him.” I thought, how sweet of him to take all the trouble, start early in the morning, change two city buses and reach the venue even before I did! What a commitment! What amazed me even more was – although he came to accompany his grandson, he participated in the training program with the same amount of curiosity and enthusiasm as a child would – like a clean slate. It was a humbling experience for me to say the least, to watch him learn and contribute in such brilliant ways. I salute the spirit! It’s inspiring to see such models of excellence. Following their footsteps, I am looking forward to growing up graciously and aging wisely. What else could I have, but respect for yester year’s youngsters and today’s shining stars!

We are who we are because of the inspiring generations before us, who live for us. It is now our turn to take care of them just as much as they take care of us with their unconditional and undying love.

Immensely Influential YOU!

When I was studying in Mumbai, I was happily walking in to my hostel one day and said “Hi, how are you?” to one of my hostel-mates. I went into my room and the girl came right behind me with tears in her eyes. Surprised, I asked her, ‘what happened?’ She said that she really felt good that I took the time to notice her and greet. She was feeling lonely and thought that nobody cared in this big city. I sat and spoke to her for some time. By the time she left the room, she had a lovely smile on her face. I was pleasantly surprised that something as simple as a hello had such a deep impact on someone. From then on, I made it a point to be more intentional while greeting people.

We might think that our role is only that of a father/mother, son/daughter, brother/sister, boss/team member, friend, neighbor etc. But if we pause and look at a different perspective – our circle of influence is much larger than that. For example, if you had a fight in the morning with someone at home, it leaves an impact on them and you (consciously or sub-consciously). When they meet other people your impact is getting extended to them in some form. In turn, when the others meet many others the scope of your impact extends further. This means that each of us, even in our tiniest and minimalist of interactions, impact or influence at least tens of people each day, without even our awareness. This, when expounded into days, weeks, months or years, actually means we impact many, MANY lives in our lifetime.

Think about the incidents that have stayed with you from your childhood or any phase of your life. Situations that may not have been significant for others may have had a deep impact on you. And those may have influenced your personality, thoughts, beliefs or actions in some form.

Likewise, when we hit or even verbally abuse a child, it’s not just about that child or that moment anymore. It impacts the adult that the child is going to grow into and that adult will impact many others. It isn’t the best of memories for that child. It may have created a sense of fear or helplessness. Think about a time when you said something in a moment of anger or irritation that you did not mean. It would’ve left an undesirable impact for a long time. Somehow, our mind has the capacity to store the not-so-positive incidents with greater intensity for longer time. If you receive 10 compliments and 1 criticism, where are you more likely to place your focus on?

It’s not just my parent, my sibling, my child, my spouse or my friend anymore. Things have a long lasting impact on the world around us in many subtle ways.

If one person breaks a queue, we suddenly see many others wanting to do the same.

If one person tries to squeeze their way on the wrong side of the road, many others soon want to follow.

Each of us is aware of how someone else has impacted us. Are we aware of how we are impacting others through our words, actions or humor?

We may not be able to change anyone but ourselves. But we CAN, and ARE always influencing others.

What is the influence and impact you wish to have?

 

 

Filter, filter on the call, what is important of them all?

There are lots of things that we get free in this world – like air, nature, love, special offers, advice 🙂 etc.

Some of the things that are freely available are of immense value while some others may not be as valuable. And hence, it is useful to have a filter before accepting what is offered. The important question would be – “Do I really need it?”

For example, when we visit someone for a meal, out of love, the host serves more food on your plate than you might need. Although the intent is positive, the effect may not be. When the body takes in more than what is required it turns into a toxic waste. The concept of ‘don’t waste food’ is good if you keep it to the extent of taking only what is necessary on your plate. But when it comes to finishing what is on your plate, irrespective of whether your body needs it or not – that makes it poisonous. At least, if left on your plate, it may prove useful for other forms of life. Another example would be at a buffet meal. The variety is vast and we want to do justice to all that is available and that is where we give a chance for some toxic waste to be accumulated in our body.

Information today is also widely available and almost for free. Ask Google, and it will never let you down. You will get what you want, may want and don’t want as well. This may lead to what we call an ‘information overload’. But imagine if we use a filter to take only what we need. Then information remains useful and relevant. Also, the chaos and confusion due to excess information is avoided. Information overload is often a result of filter failure at our end than anything else.

Another example is guilt, abuse, negative energy, advice or emotional baggage – available in plenty for no cost. Here again, filters are necessary. What you don’t need will always remain useless no matter whom you get it from. One of the ways of inflicting misery on ourselves is by accepting what we don’t need either because they came for free, or from someone we love or because we couldn’t say ‘NO’.

To leave you with a thought – think of a recent time where you were offered something you did not need – Did you filter? If you did, what was your filter mechanism and how is it working for you?

If you are uncomfortable using a filter because you are thinking, ‘what if it offends someone’, that my friend, is yet another classic example of filter failure. You may just be accepting a free guilt trip. Free or not free, filters are necessary. Even as you are reading this, use your filter and take only what you think is necessary.

Happy Filtering! 🙂