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Unable to change? This is one important reason

Jul29

And the reason is called generalisation. While this is a blessing in many contexts, it is as much a bane in certain others.

Firstly, what is a generalisation – generalisation is when we take specific instances that may have happened sometimes or many times and make it true for the rest of time. Sentences like:

“All women are…”

“All men are…”

“All doctors are…”

“You are never…”

“Humans are like this”

“Everyone gets angry”

“Nothing ever...”

And so on.

What happens when we generalise? Is generalising bad? Not necessarily. It depends on what are we generalising and what is the effect of that generalising on us. If we generalise good things – let’s say – you experience a taxi driver to be very kind. So, you generalise all taxi drivers are kind – that’s a positive generalisation. It will not cause you mental stress. In the same vein, if you generalise a negative situation to be true of all of that race or all of humanity, or entirely true of that person, now is when you may be inviting trouble. When we generalise, we tend to be closed to possibilities of it being any other way. We are convinced that it is how we say it is.

When we say sentences like – “everyone gets angry”, we no longer have a strong conviction to change. Because we believe every human does, and it is natural, “so let me continue to get angry”. However, if you truly want to change your behaviour, then avoid generalising it. And get specific. What exactly do you do? What makes you do that? Understand yourself. Explore your thought patterns and beliefs that are aiding you in reacting to life the way you do. Observe what specifically needs to change in you, so that you respond better. When you get specific, you become powerful. You are not just a human. You become a powerful human. When a parent says, “As parents, we all get anxious about our children”, you are only choosing to see those parents who are like you and get further anxious. You may fail to notice others who have better ways of responding to similar situations. It is easy for me to say, “as humans, we all behave like this….” versus, “I behave like this…”. It is only when I stop generalising, that I learn more specifically about myself, what influences me, and how I can change for the better.

Sentences like, “I am the kind of a person…” are also huge generalisations about ourselves. When we believe we are that, we remove all possibilities of us being any other way. In other words, we defy the rules of evolution. None of us was ever meant to be stagnant. We were born to change and evolve. That’s why when we resist change too much when we become rigid, it leads to physical and mental disease. Something that was meant to flow, if it stops itself, it will naturally be moving away from its original state, and hence becomes stale. We were not made or born with those thoughts and beliefs that we have today. We have acquired our current ways of being owing to several factors. However, we are not doomed by our acquisitions or possessed by those behaviours and attitudes. There is always a scope/possibility to change provided you are willing. If you are not willing, that’s the beginning of the end. Making strong statements like, “I just can’t, I won’t, I hate, I will never…”, etc makes us more closed to things even before we fully understand them. 

For years, I have had strong preferences and opinions. Perhaps there are remnants of that even today. However, every time I find myself having a strong perspective, I question myself rather than accept it instantly. Even as I have anger, irritation or judgments, I refuse to believe whatever I am thinking is true. I understand I am feeling something but not necessarily convincing myself that it is reality. Rather it is my perception of it. That helps me snap out of the states more quickly and be open to reality faster. I realised the best person to call bluff on my thoughts and beliefs is my own self. I can easily convince the world. But I always know the inner truth. So, being honest with myself is liberating to call a bluff and snap out of blind states.

Every behaviour and thought was picked up as a response to something in our life. It helped us in that context. However, if we make it generally true of ourselves, or to use it all the time, in every context then it makes even a healthy behaviour, unhealthy. When we generalise, we miss out on being context-specific and relevant.

If you generalise your personal choices with the rest of humanity, you may miss out on your specific learnings. 

If you generalise your future based on your past, then you may shut down possible opportunities for you and your life to be any different. And that causes stagnation. 

There’s wisdom in being able to see the past and present for what they are – rather than generalising them in ways that make us ineffective and out of date.

When you believe in your limitations more than you believe in your capacity to change – you have generalised your life for the worse! Sentences like, “I have always been this way” – is a sign that you have resigned to it! You killed a part of you even before you tried or died. Just because you have been a certain way doesn’t mean you are destined or doomed to be that way forever. 

So, the question is – are you using words to define or discover the world and yourself? Generalising is defining and being curious means ready to discover.

Do you know who you are becoming?

Jul10

Whether you want it or not, whether you like it not, you are turning into that person whom you have a lot of emotions for – doesn’t matter whether it is love or hate. The more intense the emotion, the more likely you are becoming that person unconsciously. 

Ironically, for a lot of humans, negative emotions are held much stronger than positive emotions. For example, dislike for someone might be much more intense than love for someone. In which case, we might time out to become the one whom we dislike more than the one whom we like or idolize – if our negative emotions are stronger and more intense that is. 

Similarly, what or who do you talk about most often. People who inspire you or people who irritate you? Incidents that make you better or things that annoy you. 

What do you think of most often?

  • Your misfortunes or your blessings?
  • The strengths that helped you survive or what you don’t like in yourself?
  • Your mistakes or your learnings.
  • About your problems or finding solutions?

Whatever you do more of, is what you’ll be more of, find more of. Your present is determining your future. Not your past. The choices that you are making in the present, in terms of what you are paying attention to, what you are thinking about, and what you most often talk about is shaping who you are becoming. Watch out! And pay attention to what you are paying attention to!

Did you know that speaking slowly has this effect?

Jul6

I am someone who has always been known for how fast I speak. The funniest compliment or rather, comment that I got was – when I spoke to this young bunch of college graduates who had just joined the organisation. After I finished, they all clapped and said they loved how I spoke. And added saying, ‘although we didn’t understand much of it because you spoke so fast.’ Well, I didn’t know how to respond now. And I often heard from people that I spoke well but I spoke fast. I thought I wasn’t fast. I sounded normal to myself until one day, I was a part of a podcast for an hour. When I heard the recording, for the very first time in my life, I realised or understood fully – what people meant when they said I spoke fast. I sounded like chip n dale cartoon!!! I was embarrassed. I never heard myself speak before. This listening helped me change.

Once I understood I was sounding much faster than I imagined, I started paying attention to slowing down my rate of speech. It was a gradual process. I was intentional in slowing down. Today I am unconsciously slowing down. Can you believe what changed as a result?

The texture of my voice!!! I had no idea that slowing down the rate of speech can actually change the texture of my voice. It sounds sweeter, calmer now. (Not that the voice changes from a bear to a cat. But more as if from a bear which had something stuck in its throat to a bear with a clear voice. Sounds nice. Get the difference?) 🙂

I now hear that I have a calming effect when I speak! Earlier I used to have a rushed effect!

The biggest difference I see is, it gives me ample time to think of what I want to say next. So I don’t blurt out things. I was known for having my foot in my mouth quite sometimes in the past. But not anymore! Even if I don’t know what to say, the fact that I speak slower gives me more think time for what needs to come next. And also put breaks and change direction wherever necessary. Words don’t control me. I am more aware of them now.

And as a result, my breathing rate is normal. I can take pauses and gaps as I wish. I don’t feel out of breath or hyperactive after a continuous talk. And do you know what that means? Lesser reactions! A normal breathing rate in any conversation is the best gift we can give to ourselves. It gives us the power to respond than react.

As much as we pay attention to what we speak, changing how we speak can make a difference too, at many levels. It doesn’t mean talking fast is wrong or bad or talking slow is good. If you are someone who speaks way too slow, then for the sake of flexibility, try speaking a little faster and see what’s the effect. Flexibility is key. If we are typically used to doing something in a certain way, changing something about the way we do it might help us see things differently at times. What’s your style of speaking usually? And what might you want to try different for one day or one hour just to see what difference it might make? We never know unless we try.

For example, unconsciously some of us tend to speak a lot of the past or the future, or speak too much of details, or speak a lot about one particular subject or person, some of us tend to frown our brows while speaking, etc – observe your patterns in the way you speak today and see if you’d like to challenge yourself to do something different today. Life’s fun with some challenges, isn’t it? We can’t change our entire self in one day. But all these small tweaks add up and make a big difference.

Don’t tell people that you felt bad

Jul1

In a world where we are attending many trainings to learn to express ourselves, here’s a strange dichotomy – don’t tell people you felt bad. But why? How will they know if you don’t tell them? 

Well, did you notice that nowadays people are very fragile. People are fragile because egos are inflated like a protective wall. If you touch, you realise that wall is more of a bubble, that will burst. And if it bursts, what will happen? The other person will be offended. 

Precisely what might happen if you go around telling people that you are hurt by what they said or did. Never say that unless you know that the other person truly cares for you and is interested in knowing your well-being and definitely doesn’t want to hurt you. If you aren’t sure of these, it’s better to let things pass and figure what should you do differently to avoid getting into such situations with them the next time. 

What happens at times is when you tell people you felt bad because of them is, 

  • they feel bad for themselves and 
  • they feel that you made them feel bad about themselves
  • Hence, they try to avoid you or maintain a distance from you
  • They feel you may be too touchy or sensitive
  • So, they may not say sorry. They might find some other way to make you feel bad too! 

Then there will 2 people feeling bad and the relationship goes from rapport to avoidance. Not all that you feel needs to be said. If you feel bad for what someone else said, think what is it about you or ego that’s making you get offended by it. Work on yourself. 

If you have great rapport with the other person, and you genuinely care for each other, then find a respectful way of saying it without attacking them or making them feel responsible for it. Mention things like, “this is how I feel, may be I misunderstood”. Instead of, “You spoke like that, so I felt bad.” In the former sentence structure, you take responsibility for what you are feeling. In the latter, you hold the other person responsible for what you are feeling (thereby denoting an attack – and warranting a defence from the other person). Most people don’t like people who make them feel guilty. 

A simple rule of thumb is – do they value you more than their ego. If so, then have a conversation. If it’s the opposite, you know better what to do. Likewise for you too – do you value a relationship more than your ego or your sense of self and right? Or do you value these more than the relationship.

It’s not to evaluate whether it is good or bad to value ego more. It’s just an unconscious choice based on their experience in life. When we aren’t strong from within, when we feel we are easy to be broken, we build an outer layer of ego as a defence wall and give it back to people thinking we are protecting ourselves. It’s an unconscious defence mechanism. Once we realise we aren’t so fragile to be broken by feedback, we may let go of our ego and find it easy to say sorry and heal ourselves and others too. If you see that someone has a high ego, it doesn’t mean they need to be shunned. They genuinely don’t feel good about themselves from within. Their self-worth is fragile enough to be shattered by someone. Hence, they are afraid to let people in. It means they need more love and more assurance that they won’t be shunned. Only then will they be able to drop off the need to protect themselves as they understand that people aren’t trying to break them. 

If you don’t have the patience or the strength to help build their internal strength, then avoid getting into friction with them. But find ways to build yours. So, that even if you get angry or upset, you will find it easy to bounce back.

This is why you shouldn’t try to avoid a thought or an emotion.

Jun25

Have you ever noticed what happens when you try to avoid a thought or an emotion is, we get more into it? If I want to avoid thinking of someone – you’ll observe that you end up thinking more about them. If you want to avoid feeling a certain emotion like anger, sadness, or disappointment, you end up feeling more of it. Your best attempts to resist, help you do only that much – Resist temporarily and eventually succumb to it big time. Hence, it’s time to find better ways than trying to resist or forcefully stop something. 

The more you avoid it, the more it will seem like a monster lurking around the corner, which is ready to attack you anytime you drop your guard. Instead, observe it. When I say observe, it doesn’t mean hug it, identify yourself with it, and dwell in it. Imagine this, look up at the sky – you see those white clouds floating? What do you do when they are floating? You try to make out some familiar shapes at times, but otherwise, you just see them pass, don’t you? You don’t try to own them, avoid them, or chain them. Thoughts are something like that. Can you just observe and let them pass. Don’t give any importance to them. In trying to avoid them, you are giving a lot of importance to them. The minute you give importance, the size of the cloud, or the thought will increase. If you avoid a gentle drizzle, you might get caught up in a storm. To win the war, you have to let go of the battle. Observe the thought, don’t own it. It’s a floating cloud. Don’t act on it. Don’t judge it. Don’t evaluate it. Just dispassionately let it pass. If it helps, look at it from a distance, where you are a bystander and the thoughts are random clouds. Imagine they are black and white. (Add some funny song or tune to it mentally – if you think it helps). But don’t spend too much time paying attention. Let it pass.

Likewise, any emotion too. Like loneliness, or fear, or anything else. Avoiding it will be like an active volcano – any slight trigger and you’ll be waiting to erupt. Face it so that you will emerge on the other side and will be able to see clearly what it was all about. The ones that you are ready to face, cannot threaten you. The ones you try to avoid are the ones that scare you. To face it, you need to believe in yourself that you can see this through. You have gone through a lot in your life and emerged out of it until now. Trust that you can do this too. 

The thoughts and emotions that eventually kill us are the ones that we have desperately tried to avoid. Face them, stand tall – know that you are much bigger than any thought or emotion. Each cloud is a small fraction of the sky. The cloud can never engulf the sky. The sky is much more massive. The cloud can cover up the sky for a short bit but it has to pass. It doesn’t have the stability or the power in itself to stay stuck to any part of the sky ever. Just like your thoughts and yourself. Don’t fear a thought. Don’t fear an emotion. They cannot damage you without your consent. Don’t give your consent. Remind yourself you have an infinite number of thoughts apart from that one silly, odd thought that seems to question you or threaten your existence. If you stop holding on to this one, the next thought will immediately come in – and in that, you might find something nice for yourself.

An interesting data point while we are on this topic – we have around 12000-60000 thoughts per day. And we aren’t fully aware of all of these thoughts. So what makes you think that one particular thought about that person or about that feeling is going to kill you or make your life impossible? It’s your excessive attention to it. The importance you are attaching to that one thought is making you feel like you can’t exist with it. While all the other thousands of thoughts aren’t threatening your existence because you aren’t giving them that importance. In fact, you may not be paying any attention to them even! Let alone giving them importance!

You have to face it to emerge out of it. Yesterday’s blog on impact bias also says how we overestimate the emotional effect of any incident. So, it is not going to be as bad as you are imagining. You own yourself. The thoughts don’t own you. They are mere, powerless clouds. You give them power by giving them importance. That’s when they come down on us like a storm. If you stop feeding those clouds, you’ll have clear skies. A gentle rain once in a while, will not hurt you anyway. 🙂 Wishing you pleasant times!

Whose monkeys are you carrying?

Jun3

A lot of us carry monkeys without even knowing that we are. In the name of thinking, we carry so many monkeys that we don’t have the energy left to live life in full spirits and make the most of what life has to offer. We have ‘genuine reasons’ to not be happy, we have reasons to not be smiling and we have reasons to feel bad. These are signs that we are carrying monkeys. And it’s time to ask yourself- whose monkeys are you carrying.

Here are a few examples of what monkey business looks like:

Monkey business Healthy business
Wanting to justify and give it back to someone. Can’t sit in peace until that happens Able to let go knowing that your heart is clear and not need to prove it to them.
Prove yourself right no matter how much time has passed. Knowing that right and wrong is just a matter of perspective and it’s not real.
Spending a lot of time analyzing who’s being fake or real and wondering why Observe people and let them pass without making their story yours unless they are really important to you. Knowing that it’s not worth your time.
Stalking people to know what they are up to. Trying too hard to keep enemies closer Investing time in developing yourself and upping your skills. Not spending time looking at what others are doing just for curiosity’s sake.
Constantly blaming someone for your life Taking responsibility for your life and learning healthily from every instance.
Holding on to anger & resentment Understanding that your peace is more important than the pursuit of anger.
Waiting for someone to say sorry to you Moving on knowing that people are being what they are because they don’t know a better way to be.
Wondering why someone doesn’t like you or what’s your fault Understanding that people like or dislike us based on their story in life and not making it all about ourselves.
Playing  an old quarrel on a loop in your head & thinking of better responses from your end Look back once, learn and move ahead with the learning. Thinking of brighter times and feeling happy.
Worrying about what will happen if things don’t work out in your favor Thinking of what you want and understand what you need to do today to get what you want tomorrow.
Feeling bitter about someone doing better than you Living without comparison knowing that each soul has come here with their own story.
Feeling insecure thinking of things that could possibly go wrong Feeling secure knowing that you are a child of the universe and it will never abandon you.
Feeling cheated and waiting for judgment time when justice will be delivered to you Knowing that nothing happens without a reason. Fully trusting that no one can ever take away anything from you that’s truly yours. And everything is here to offer  learning and make you better than yesterday.

The important part is, notice that they are monkeys! Don’t own them! They’ll jump away to the next tree or branch. Don’t try to control them, avoid them, or direct them. Just notice they are monkeys up to their monkey business. A thought gets energy only when we pay attention to it. Otherwise, they keep moving like clouds. Pay attention to what you really want in life. Be attracted to something. These distractions will automatically go away.

It’s bad enough that we carry our monkeys. It’s even worse when we borrow monkeys from others and carry it on their behalf. Again, like I always say, it’s okay to be not okay for a short while. But don’t dwell in them. Don’t make misery mandatory in life.

A simple technique that might help you – notice when you are thinking of some negative thought – how are you thinking about it – Do you see an image, do you hear a sound, do you feel something in some part of your body? If you see an image – is it colour? Is it in front of you? Is it a big size? If so, make it black and white, make it small, and push it to a far-away corner on your left or right or even behind you. You will be amazed to see that you won’t be able to think of the same thought with the same intensity anymore. If it helps – add some funny music as a backdrop to that thought too. The way you feel about it will fully change. This is called dissociation in NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming). It’s super simple and super powerful. In simple terms, dissociation means you are thinking of something without getting emotionally involved. So, your thought will not pain you or affect you anymore. Isn’t it a wonderful way to set yourself free?

Before making your point, do this…

May19

A golden tip if you want others to hear you out and understand what you are saying – 

In conversations, we usually tend to swing between agreeing and disagreeing. The point in between is the point that holds people together even when there is a difference in viewpoints. Actually, more so when there is a difference in point of view – it is important that we do this. Otherwise, it appears like you are disagreeing with the person and not their perspective or behavior. 

The word we are referring to now is “Acknowledging”. It’s the helpful mid-point between agreeing and disagreeing. First, acknowledge what the other person is saying – regardless of whether you agree with what they are saying or not – hear them out and acknowledge what you have heard. The minute you interrupt, dismiss, or ignore what they have said, you lose rapport with them. And if you don’t have rapport, rest assured, you’ll not have them listening or buying into what you have to say either. 

Let me illustrate with an example:

A mother is talking to her teenage daughter and insisting that she takes up a certain field of study for her undergraduate course. The daughter vehemently opposes. She tells her mother it is not something she likes at all. Both of them get into a heated argument. The mother is upset with the daughter because she feels her daughter doesn’t understand her. 

An alternative response – The daughter hears what the mother suggests. She thanks her for thinking about her and her future. She acknowledges how that may actually help her if she studies this course. And then gently tells her mother there’s something she’d like to talk to her about. She puts across her point of view as to why she’s looking at another kind of course and also covers her mother’s criteria of security for her future too. The mother hears her out patiently. 

What would’ve been an argument, turns out to be a healthy discussion! It’s not the end result, it is the means towards the end that matters. One is we forcefully make our way, the other is we gently make our way. Without burning bridges, without breaking rapport if we are able to express our point of view, 99% of the time people are willing to listen. There may be a 1% exception to this, like all rules. However, even there if you choose not to be rude, dismissive or impolite about it, the chances are, you may still have it your way without causing permanent damage to the relationship.

Another scenario – Imagine you have an irritated customer or friend who is unhappy with you or your product. And they are complaining loudly. If you refuse to let them finish, if you interrupt, or if you try convincing them that you aren’t at fault, you will only make the other person even more irritated. Instead, if you first hear them out, let them finish and acknowledge their emotion (even if their words are not something you agree with), acknowledge that they are upset, and ask them how can you help, it will help more. 

Firstly, their anger comes down to a great degree when they feel the other person is willing to listen and understand. When a person is upset, they aren’t running high on positive emotions. They run high on a fear of being taken for granted. That’s the biggest fear. The most effective way of dealing with that is by first acknowledging their feeling and creating a safe space. By arguing in that moment, we are creating a need in them to fight or defend. That’s not going to help. 

When we don’t acknowledge, the following happens:

  • It triggers a fight or flight response in the other person. They either become defensive or shut down.
  • In this mode, the range of positivity comes down and negative emotions take over. 
  • The more we see this in another person, the more we tend to be influenced by it too. 
  • By the end, there will be two angry, and fearful people, trying to safeguard their own interests since they feel the other person isn’t going to do that. 

And remember, this entire process is not conscious. It happens at an unconscious level. Hence, right at the very beginning, if you acknowledge the other person’s point of view before you put yours across, this kind of a negative engagement won’t happen. It will be more of a constructive conversation where two people are expressing their points of view without negating or trying to defeat the other. State your point. You don’t have to prove the other person wrong. When we don’t acknowledge, that’s what we end up doing. We forcefully try to say that they are incorrect and we disagree with them, not their point. A person is never wrong. From their vantage point, their view might make sense. It might not make sense to us from where we are. But that doesn’t make them wrong. 

Again, 99% of fights, quarrels, and arguments happen because we feel the other person is not willing to listen or understand what we are saying. The minute people feel you are ready to do that, there is no need for an argument. A great listener always acknowledges what they hear before they move further. Could you do that? Could you make people feel heard? They are going to remember you for all the right reasons throughout their lives if you could. 

Reframing – Change the way you think (A powerful NLP technique)

Apr13

It’s been ages since I thought of this incident. But as I woke up this morning, it just flashed in my mind so clearly. I was in 8th or 9th grade. It was a festival in India (Ganesh puja). We woke up in the morning and my father and I went out to get fresh fruits from the market. We had finished buying all the fruits and I offered to carry the bag of fruits. I had always seen my father offering to help people with their bags and baggages and I thought that was so gentlemanly of him. So, I had started doing that at an early age too. He smiled and let me carry the bag. He asked me to hold his hand as we were crossing the road to get to our car. I saw a two-wheeler fast approaching towards us. While my father continued crossing the road, I don’t know at what point did I let go of his hand and just stood frozen. The two-wheeler came and hit me. Due to the impact, I flew and fell on the road with my head hitting the road. After that, I wasn’t aware of what happened.

In some time, I felt someone was massaging my feet, some massaging my hands, some mumbling sounds of people, vague sounds. I felt my eyes open, but everything was pitch dark. I couldn’t see. In about a few moments, I heard my father’s voice clearly saying, “Nana, Narmada, can you hear me? Say something nana!” I could hear his panic-stricken voice. And slowly my vision started – it was hazy and blurred at first, but eventually everything became clear and I could see. I saw there were quite a few people surrounding me and I was sitting on some stone. I saw my father looking at me anxiously. I managed to get the words out of my mouth, “I am fine.” The people around suggested my father to take me to a hospital nearby. My father rushed me there, the doctor examined and sent me to the next room for an injection. I overheard the doctor telling my father to observe me for 24 hours and if everything went okay, then there’d be nothing to worry. So, off we went home.

As soon as we reached home, my mother was shocked to see me. She worriedly asked what happened. Daddy told her it was a small accident but nothing to worry. I narrated the whole story. As soon as she heard it, she immediately said, “You went to get fruits for the prayer and this is what happened to you. I don’t want to do the prayer now.” My father instantly said, in a very kind and reassuring way, “It is those fruits that saved her today ma. She was carrying that bag on her right side where the bike hit. That’s what prevented her from getting further hurt.” My mother looked into the bag of fruits, a lot of them were squished. She had tears in her eyes. She said, “Yes! These fruits saved her. God is there! We should give thanks to him!” And so the puja (prayer) went on. My parents asked me to rest. Daddy came and lay down next to me. When I woke up, he said, “You were holding on to my hand very tightly nana” and smiled his usual gentle smile. I smiled too. I said I was feeling fine now. And that was that! 

The technique that my father used, when my mother said she didn’t want to do the prayer, is called reframing in NLP. It means changing the frame or the way in which we look at something by changing its meaning or looking at it in a different context. It’s done very gently and effortlessly and has a massive impact. My father did not challenge my mother or say she was wrong in thinking that way, nor lecture her on why we should pray. He instantly reframed saying, it is that bag of fruits that we got for the prayer that actually saved me. It helps break the unconscious resistance of the other person and offers them a new, more powerful perspective. Reframing gives you the power to choose your response to any situation in life rather than regretting or feeling bad about it. As the old adage goes, ‘you can’t choose what happens to you but you can choose how you respond to it.’

The best part is you don’t have to be NLP trained to be able to use this. Most of us use it unconsciously in life, like how my father did. If you consciously choose to do it, imagine how powerful it would be. 

Let’s explore two important types of reframing. Content and context. 

Content reframe is when you take the meaning of something and ask – what else could this mean? For example, your friend did not answer your call so you are upset thinking he has no time for you. If you ask yourself, what else could this mean (to arrive at a more positive outlook) – you might think, maybe he’s busy or held up.

Context reframing is when you look at the same thing but change the context without changing its meaning. For example, if you think a child is argumentative, you might be frustrated. If you change the context, you can see that they can be a very good lawyer because they can think of alternate points very quickly. 

So, the two important questions to keep in mind are:

  • What else could this mean (in a more positive way)?
  • In which context could this be useful?

If someone says ‘No’ to you, and if you think – ‘they probably have the best intent for me, they are enabling me to help myself’ – this is content reframing. If you think, ‘they are really focused on the task at hand, they know how to prioritize and say no effectively’ – this is context reframing. 

In the above example of my father, what reframing do you think he used – content or context? Do share your views below. And happy reframing. 🙂

What’s wrong with casual conversations?

Apr6

Well, firstly, how do you define casual?

Secondly, it’s casual according to whom?

Are you 100% sure it is just as casual for everyone involved?

If you see — there’s nothing totally casual. A casual remark from someone can cause a great deal of damage to you, or vice versa too. The other person might not even remember it — but it had a lasting impact on you. More casualties happen due to these so-called casual or fleeting conversations than anything else. Huge arguments and fights also start off with seemingly simple, casual conversations.

So, what do we do then? Should we have formal conversations with everyone? No! The opposite of casual is NOT formal. The opposite of casual is intentional, mindful, deliberate or caring conversations. Where we are mindful of how our ways and words may be affecting those in our environment.

We might casually commit to something or casually tell someone that we’ll be there for them. But we can’t say for sure, they took our words just as casually too. What if they have taken it seriously? That’s when we lose our credibility and gain the reputation of not living up to our words. And that could be huge damage to your personal brand.

Opposite of casual does NOT also mean having agenda-driven conversations. Have soulful conversations or have general conversations — but be mindful. Mindfulness is not hard. Mindfulness is not an effort. Mindfulness is just being fully there where you are and listening to yourself as you speak too. If you are listening to yourself, you will definitely be more prudent and effective in anything you say.

It does not mean you will never make any mistakes at all. The purpose of life is not to not make mistakes but to learn from each mistake. Having more purposeful conversations will reduce a lot of loose talks or casual talk, thereby reducing unintentional or accidental damages to your relationships.

The little that goes wrong, you can easily understand what went wrong or where you went wrong and course correct. In casual conversations, you might not even know what caused the damage to begin with.

Have lesser casual conversations to have lesser casualties.

P.S – Today, my mother told me she called a cab driver who came a few times to drop us to the airport, to enquire about his well being. He was really touched by that it seems. I thought that was a very kind and intentional gesture from her end.

Spending money or doing social work aren’t the only ways to save humanity. Having more purposeful and intentional relationships, actions and conversations can save the planet in massive ways. We might not even need social workers if we each are intentional in all of our actions and words. We wouldn’t be wasting, hoarding, splurging, or taking for granted life and all its resources. That pretty much takes care of the planet, your life, and your loved ones, don’t you think?