When life’s unfair…

I always thought it has to be fair. Majority of my fights in life were for justice or my perception of it. After all these years, I have realised it’s not about justice always. For something to begin, something has to start and something has to end. In the process, justice may temporarily be off! The beginning of an end, is the beginning of much more than the end itself.

Who promised life will be fair anyway? I was only promised learning. It isn’t about justice always. It’s about my learning from them both and my ability to gather myself through it all. And again have the capacity to believe in something and stand up for something I believe in. 

It may not be fair. But I need to know that’s just the way it is and learn how to deal with it better. If I get stuck in the whole idea of it not being fair, I will find myself stuck at the same point for a very long time and not find a way out. Besides, what’s fair to me may not be fair to someone else. There’s always another perspective.

I don’t intend to justify what’s not fair or spend time rationalising it. But I wouldn’t want to waste all my time cribbing about it either. It definitely gets me nothing better even if I do that. Other than the fact that I will feel bitter, defeated and play a victim, there’s no good that comes off it. It renders me powerless in my own life. On the other hand, if I think to myself, yes, that’s unjust. But now what? What next? What should I do to deal with this? I’ll at least head somewhere thinking of that. Moving somewhere is better than being stuck and stagnant. 

Thinking of what I deserve might delude me from recognising what I got. That delusion can make me feel entitled and bitter. It’s not the world’s problem to grant me what I deserve. Why should it be? There are many who don’t get what they deserve. They are making their peace or trying to find their way out. And that’s the spirit. I am not here to whine and complain. I am here to rise and take charge. I am grateful when life is fair. I am humbled when it isn’t. 

Life is not fair or unfair. It is just what it was meant to be, to offer me my learning! By calling it something, I get myself into a web. It prevents me from understanding. It prevents me from looking at the bigger picture. It prevents me from learning what I was here to learn.

I may have given and not gotten it back. I may have worked twice as hard to get where I got. I may have lost more than I gained. I may have tried and failed. I may have paid for something that wasn’t even mine. But it’s just life offering me the learnings. That’s all it ever was! And that’s all it’ll ever be!

The choice is always mine

Whether I want to learn or whine!

And I think it’s about time

To look beyond my limited confines

And recognise the grander design!

Therein lies my peace sublime!

Privacy Vs Secrecy – How to draw a healthy line

In a recent program, I was asked an interesting question on the distinction between privacy and secrecy in relationships and how to draw the line. How open should we be?

Firstly, in order for us to build rapport, we need to know each other. Although it’s not the only thing, it is one of the things. Rapport is a climate of trust and understanding. If we are being too secretive, then there isn’t an element of trust but an element of doubt or a fear of being hurt. When that takes over, then trust is obviously out of the window. 

Secondly, if there’s a story that’s not worth talking about, then it’s perhaps not worth remembering either. If it is worth remembering, then perhaps it’s worth giving those people the context who are impacted by our behavior as a result of this incident. Without context, we might just appear as a bunch of uptight individuals for no apparent reason. It is one thing to expect others to understand us without us saying a thing. But the question to ask ourselves is what are we doing on our part to help people understand us better. After all, it isn’t all others’ responsibility to understand us. It is our responsibility to help people understand us too. 

Everyone doesn’t need to know everything. But if it’s impacting them, then it is important that we provide them a context as context gives more meaning. Too much secrecy in close relationships come across as hiding – and hiding does not beget trust. Trust is of paramount importance in relationships. Privacy is where you keep to yourself, not because of shame, fear, or guilt. But just for some healthy boundaries which don’t concern or discomfort the other. It is something that the other person wouldn’t feel hurt, cheated, or betrayed if they get to know of it later, or from someone else.

The key is to not demand to be told, and not dominate to keep a secret. Don’t be too demanding, needy, or nosy in knowing the details of other person’s stories. Be gracious and listen to what the other person wants to say rather than insisting on listening to something that they haven’t shared. And on your part, don’t wait to a point of discomfort where the other person has to ask you for context. Be understanding in providing the context wherever necessary so that they can support you better. Ultimately people don’t hurt us because of knowing our past. People hurt us because we are open to being hurt or shamed by our past. 

All said and done, we can’t expect people to treat us with special care just because of a past story that’s already over. If each of us carries hurt from past wounds, hospitals will run out of beds and people will run out of patience. And there’s no life that has no troubles. They help us learn to be better individuals. We can’t expect others to be better while we behave at our worst because of a story from the past. A hero, and a villain, both have a past – but it is the choices they make in the present that makes the differentiating factor between them. When you romanticize your past troubles, you miss out on enjoying your present pleasures. 

You are here because you chose to be!

This is one of the most powerful sentences! I am sure many of you would have read this sentence or something on similar lines before. When I read it, it was like as if my entire life just paused for a minute and I floated above it to see – that I am here because I chose to be. So, everything that is happening, that has happened, and that will happen is for me. Exclusively for me! And there’s nothing good or bad. There’s just intense, less intense, or highly intense moments that each offer me something valuable. When I call it good and bad, I may be discriminating and hence, willing to learn, observe and gain from it. When I just see it, I notice the intensity of something, without calling it this or that, and I remind myself – I am here because I chose to be and this is all a part of the grand plan -the silver lining becomes more predominant than the temporary cloud. 

None of us are here by accident! None of us are here by error!  There’s no point thinking what if it happened some other way. It happened this way to enable me to fulfil what I am here for. If you feel you are forced to go to a party you might not enjoy. In fact, you might find a lot of things very annoying. But if it is your party, the one that you have chosen, planned, designed and looked forward to so much – you’ll have gratitude that the party is happening, and you’ll make the most of it – whichever way. And for once, you won’t think of who created this party, why did they have you here, what good could possibly come of it, why can’t you just leave etc. You won’t find the necessity to persecute or victimise. You simply get busy in your party with gratitude – constantly doing what you need to do, reminding yourself that you are the host and everyone else are guests. You take care of yourself, the party and other things. Your constant focus will be on what best you can do to add to the party spirit, being the organizer. In your own party, that you chose, you are too occupied getting it together to be focused on feeling anything else that is less desirable. If there’s a power failure, you light up the place with candles. If there are no candles, you create a game to give light in that darkness. If you lose the game, you laugh and try again, or try something else.  

At the end of it, you will be happy with yourself for choosing to be here and giving it all you’ve got. Your efforts count. You know that you put in your heart and soul to it. There are no further measures to define or defy yourself as success or otherwise. You made the choice to be here, and you showed up. Claps for that!!

If you have anyways chosen to be here, why not be in full shape and form? Why play on back foot? Might as well go on front foot, and hit the ball out of the park. You’ll be happy for not just showing up, but showing up with great sense of energy and enthusiasm! You aren’t at anyone’s mercy! You are here because you chose to be! May you trust and make way for the universal energy to be with you all the way!

How to keep yourself motivated when you aren’t accepted

Do you realize that you don’t often like things that are necessarily good for you? What you like is often different from what’s good. Right? Likewise, appreciation from others, likes on social media, rewards, etc aren’t necessarily things that denote whether you are good or not. What appeals to people isn’t what’s good. What appeals to people is what they like. Now, why do people like something? There could be several reasons for it :

• an emotional connect 
• A value-based connect
• A feel-good factor
• A need for favor 
• A need to be liked 
• Social hierarchy driving the need 
• Your product meets their need or gap 
• And lastly, if the ego issues among their own selves permit them to like it

Good or bad is always a relative measure. There’s nothing entirely good or bad. Based on each person’s personal standards, it differs. Something that might be exceptional for one stratum of society might be looked down upon by other strata. Something that might look path-breaking for people of certain educational background, might look too hi-fi or irrelevant for people from a different educational background. 

Even language plays an important role – if someone understands a language very well, they might appreciate your choice of words and diction. But they don’t, they might find it difficult to connect with your fluency. Worse still, it might just appear like you are showing off. And hence, become a reason for disconnect! However, it doesn’t necessarily mean you are bad or someone else is better.

It’s important to meet people where they are! But it is also important to not relinquish your standards permanently while doing so. Nor should you look down at others. Everyone is where they are to serve a reason or purpose in their life. Meet people where they are. And once done, get back to where you are, or where you need to be in your pursuit of excellence.

The judgment of good and bad are need-based, value-based, and emotion-based. 

Keep doing what you are doing. Don’t compare yourself to others’ standards, likes, rewards, or acceptance. There is a place for each of us and our individual excellence to thrive in this world. It’s not a number game. It’s different based on what you do when you do, how you do and society’s readiness for the some. Most people who we revere today weren’t accepted or acknowledged even, during their times. However, today we look up to them as exceptional contributors to our existence.

Keep your purpose clear at all times. Don’t be deterred by these frivolous distractions. Know that you are good – 

• because you have tried
• because you have given in your best
• because you are doing what you are doing for a higher good
• because you are not giving up. You keep at it

If you know that much, auto-certify yourself that you are good. And don’t worry, you won’t become complacent. You will be confident, motivated, and driven. You will refrain from being demotivated by negative stressors from the outside environment. You’ll be happy!

Having said that there’s no absolute measure for whether you are good or not, there’s a definite measure for when one is excellent and exceptional. This is easy – when you are an authority in your field – you know it inside-out, you are open for challenges not to prove your knowledge but to get some facts out into the world for the larger benefit of humankind – now you know and most will agree that you are exceptional.  

But not many actually get to that level. The biggest reason being – they get demotivated at the likes and dislikes milestone itself. To be exceptional, one needs to have big-picture thinking. That will help you look beyond the temporary criticisms, ego clashes, social acceptance, and other such things. No great things were built in a day or a year. Excellence takes a ton of practice, a hell-of-a-lot of perseverance, an open mind, and an ego that is ready to fail fast and learn fast. Sometimes, acceptance may not come while you are alive. But trust that if your heart has indicated you to be on a path, and your mind has persevered to stay on it – there must be a divine reason for the collective good of humanity. Someone, somewhere out there must be needing it. And it will be their guiding light. So, let your light shine at all costs! There’s no room for fear. There’s no room for doubt. There’s no possibility of a failure that doesn’t offer you immense learning. Trust yourself! We all have a place in this world – in the highest sense of the word. Believe it! Take it! Live it! And love it!

How to prevent rules from ruining your relationships – Part 2

Picking up from where we left in the last blog, rules can threaten the very essence of relationships and peace. However, that isn’t because the rules are bad. It is how we pursue that makes anything good or bad. Hence, we don’t need to drop all rules. But we need to learn how to not have rules at the cost of relationships. Below are a few tips for the same:

1. When faced with resistance, seek to understand the reason for it. Don’t insist or try to force a rule without understanding why is there a resistance. When you insist too much, you spark off a rebellion.

2. If a situation is too intense, give some time to diffuse the tension before you pick up a discussion. Don’t strike when it is hot. Maintain rapport!

3. Rules were created to see your loved ones happy. If they aren’t doing that, then you need to either re-look at the rules or the way you are going about them. For example, I can encourage my father to go for a walk. But not insist! If I become a nuisance asking someone to either walk, eat, sleep, drink water, or engage in any healthy behaviour, then I am responsible for creating an unhealthy atmosphere in the first place. Even healthy behavior practiced in an unhealthy environment leads to unhealthy results in reality. So, what’s the point? One might prefer a shorter but happier life, rather than a longer but miserable one. We shouldn’t make anyone’s life miserable with our rules.

4. Have rules with a room for the individual to grow, exist, and speak their mind freely, without fear.

Your rules shouldn’t be a reason for someone to avoid you. Your rules shouldn’t be a reason why people would want you to go out of the house or for them to stay out of the house. Your rules shouldn’t make people feel like a slave with no choice. Intentions may be right. But our actions shouldn’t create heartache for others. Then even the right things done for the right reasons may land up having the wrong effects. So, keep the mind healthy and the heart happy before you set out to make the body a project. Rules shouldn’t take away the joy of living.

And for that, we need to learn how to set/uphold rules with Reason, Rapport, and Respect. The 3 R’s to ensure rules work!

• Nothing should affect the dignity of a person. Reject behavior, without rejecting the person.
• Express displeasure without melodrama or abuse.
• State the importance and relevance of following a particular rule.
• Steer clear of comparisons. Each person and each situation is unique. So, understand and educate accordingly.
• Don’t try to fix people. No one needs fixing more than our own selves. If we can’t handle ourselves when others behave a particular way, then it is important we learn how to handle ourselves first.
• And lastly, keep the ego at bay. Be mindful! Avoid getting into a wild rage and creating a rampage.

Reduce the number of rules by trusting that every individual is blessed with a brain that can think. Let people make their own mistakes and learn. Facilitate the process of learning. Don’t dictate it. When you rule, you make them resistant. When you trust, you make them responsible. Empower people to make better choices by creating awareness and letting them make their own choices. Guide them without directing them. And be a compelling example without forcing or expecting them to follow. If you can be a happy example of good habits – WHO WOULDN’T WANT TO FOLLOW?

What to expect in relationships

Firstly, what are you expecting? And what will happen if your expectations aren’t met?

• If we expect to be loved, that’s one thing (This may happen, not because you want it. But if they find it fitting in with the rest of their life story – like how you found them fitting in with yours. We can’t force this to happen). 
• If we expect ourselves to be the only person to be loved the most by them – that’s another thing (That’s more like territorial rights. To own and to be owned is more suited for properties like cars and houses, not humans). 
• If we expect them to change themselves, that’s a whole other thing. (Expecting people to be better versions of themselves, else we get upset. So, for the one mistake of loving us, they have to meet our demands for being accepted without any unpleasantness).

Starting with a generalised statement – as humans, we all expect. In relationships, more so. Be it a friend, spouse, parent, child, partner etc. It appears as if we get into relationships just to fulfil our expectations. Mostly, things start off on a rosy note where at least one of the parties is more than willing to oblige at the other’s behest. But if those expectations rise too much and get demanding, that willingness reduces. There is an amount of resistance that seeps in. There is a recognition of the need for freedom. And hence, friction.

Of course, our intentions are always good. But love isn’t only about intentions – it is about our actions and the effect that they have on others. Intentions don’t get us food on the table. Actions do. Likewise, in love, just having the right intentions may not suffice unless we learn to be balanced in our actions, words, and expectations. We expect people to change for the better only because it will do them a lot of good. But what if they don’t? Are we upset, angry, irritated? If so, then perhaps we need to change first!

I have had the pleasure and privilege of knowing a few people in close quarters who convey their expectations with such an air of pleasantness that one would be more than willing to cooperate. The things that make the difference are:

1. They don’t harp on it. They don’t build a nest in your ears until you fulfil it. They don’t take it as an excuse to be angry or irritated. They take time to educate so that you make better choices.
2. They gently create a compelling case for change by firstly, being a gracious example of it – and secondly, stating how beautiful your life would be if you considered it. They don’t tell you that you are going to be a failure or your life is going to be miserable if you don’t change.
3. Thirdly, they don’t state it as a need for acceptance. Meaning – they aren’t placing conditions to accept you based on whether or not you fulfil their expectations. They love you regardless. And they are happy nonetheless.
4. They see your strengths and goodness beyond their expectations. They aren’t blinded by what they expect in a way that they can’t see you beyond an expectation-fulfilling machine! They recognise your uniqueness, your gifts, and your priorities at all times.
5. They don’t do dramas and hold you responsible for their misery at any point. They put themselves out of the equation. They want you to change for your sake. Not for theirs. And hence, they aren’t driven by an agenda to make you into something you don’t wish to be. They are respectful of your space.

As you read all this, if you are first thinking of those people around you who aren’t like this and they need to change – wait! That’s not the point. First, ask yourself, are you like this? If you aren’t what skills do you need to develop within yourself so that you can be this first? If you are feeling bad that others aren’t like this – then it is true of you too. Can you carry your own sunshine? If you are expecting some other sun to come and light up your life, it is such a high risk. You should know that it may happen, it may not – depending on the mood of the sun and the arrangement of other planets. However, if you can carry your own sunshine, you won’t have baseless reasons to be upset. You are going to find a happy state.

If you got into a relationship that is diametrically opposite of what you ever wanted – then instead of expecting the other to change, its time to look into the choices made and the learnings thereof. Take responsibility for whatever you can and be ready to do what it takes to help yourself without holding the other responsible for your misery or for your life.

Whatever you do, don’t have a sense of entitlement! No one in this world owes us anything! Ever! If they do something good for us still, it’s their magnanimity. If they don’t, that’s fine! No one was born to take care of us and our needs. Everyone was born because they have their own journey to travel and their own learnings to take care of. In between all this, if they are there for us, that’s great! If they aren’t, life is teaching us to mind our own business then. Life is teaching us to be more capable of handling ourselves.

Expectations are not a cause for misery. But constantly expecting our expectations to be met by others is! We are not entitled to be loved. We are blessed to be loved. We are not entitled to anything. Never feel that you deserve better – that sense of entitlement leads to bitterness. You may have given your 200% or your life to someone or something – but that’s because you wanted to, for whatever reasons best known to you – either because you loved, or because you expected something in return! But because you gave your 200%, you can’t expect others to reciprocate in the same way. Be grateful if they do. But not bitter if they don’t. Just like how we don’t give our 100% to everything every time, them too! Our priorities and values are not the same as others. That doesn’t mean they are mean or bad. That just means they have different priorities. I can’t make them demons just because I wanted to play God! I can’t make them look bad just because I want to mask my insufficiencies and make myself look good.

Trust that life is always handing you whatever you need to advance on your journey of self-discovery and spiritual growth. Be grateful when the sun shines while being aware that you aren’t entitled to it shining on you always. And if you liked it while it rained, you should be ready for the slush afterwards. Slush is not bad. It also dries up in due course. It’s all a part of the same beautiful earth. Reminisce the good times together. But don’t harp on it to be the same forever. If you aren’t ready to embrace change, you may not be fully ready for relationships yet. It’s good to be reasonable in what we expect – not just for others, but for our own mental sanity too.

Are you imagining in your favour?

I was talking to a friend and she was one of the top performers in the organization. She really worked hard and people appreciated her efforts. Yet she was constantly in the fear of what if her boss decides to do away with her someday. She saw that happen to other colleagues in the past and hence she was anxious.

I asked her what happened to all those people who lost their jobs. She said they found other jobs. And I asked, ‘Are they happy?’ She said, ‘Yes. Very happy’.  She realised she was looking at the first half of the story and worrying when she could easily look at the 2nd part and have hope too.

If you are imagining about yourself, why not imagine in your favour? If you can’t imagine in your favour, no one else can.

This is why you shouldn’t try to avoid a thought or an emotion.

Have you ever noticed what happens when you try to avoid a thought or an emotion is, we get more into it? If I want to avoid thinking of someone – you’ll observe that you end up thinking more about them. If you want to avoid feeling a certain emotion like anger, sadness, or disappointment, you end up feeling more of it. Your best attempts to resist, help you do only that much – Resist temporarily and eventually succumb to it big time. Hence, it’s time to find better ways than trying to resist or forcefully stop something. 

The more you avoid it, the more it will seem like a monster lurking around the corner, which is ready to attack you anytime you drop your guard. Instead, observe it. When I say observe, it doesn’t mean hug it, identify yourself with it, and dwell in it. Imagine this, look up at the sky – you see those white clouds floating? What do you do when they are floating? You try to make out some familiar shapes at times, but otherwise, you just see them pass, don’t you? You don’t try to own them, avoid them, or chain them. Thoughts are something like that. Can you just observe and let them pass. Don’t give any importance to them. In trying to avoid them, you are giving a lot of importance to them. The minute you give importance, the size of the cloud, or the thought will increase. If you avoid a gentle drizzle, you might get caught up in a storm. To win the war, you have to let go of the battle. Observe the thought, don’t own it. It’s a floating cloud. Don’t act on it. Don’t judge it. Don’t evaluate it. Just dispassionately let it pass. If it helps, look at it from a distance, where you are a bystander and the thoughts are random clouds. Imagine they are black and white. (Add some funny song or tune to it mentally – if you think it helps). But don’t spend too much time paying attention. Let it pass.

Likewise, any emotion too. Like loneliness, or fear, or anything else. Avoiding it will be like an active volcano – any slight trigger and you’ll be waiting to erupt. Face it so that you will emerge on the other side and will be able to see clearly what it was all about. The ones that you are ready to face, cannot threaten you. The ones you try to avoid are the ones that scare you. To face it, you need to believe in yourself that you can see this through. You have gone through a lot in your life and emerged out of it until now. Trust that you can do this too. 

The thoughts and emotions that eventually kill us are the ones that we have desperately tried to avoid. Face them, stand tall – know that you are much bigger than any thought or emotion. Each cloud is a small fraction of the sky. The cloud can never engulf the sky. The sky is much more massive. The cloud can cover up the sky for a short bit but it has to pass. It doesn’t have the stability or the power in itself to stay stuck to any part of the sky ever. Just like your thoughts and yourself. Don’t fear a thought. Don’t fear an emotion. They cannot damage you without your consent. Don’t give your consent. Remind yourself you have an infinite number of thoughts apart from that one silly, odd thought that seems to question you or threaten your existence. If you stop holding on to this one, the next thought will immediately come in – and in that, you might find something nice for yourself.

An interesting data point while we are on this topic – we have around 12000-60000 thoughts per day. And we aren’t fully aware of all of these thoughts. So what makes you think that one particular thought about that person or about that feeling is going to kill you or make your life impossible? It’s your excessive attention to it. The importance you are attaching to that one thought is making you feel like you can’t exist with it. While all the other thousands of thoughts aren’t threatening your existence because you aren’t giving them that importance. In fact, you may not be paying any attention to them even! Let alone giving them importance!

You have to face it to emerge out of it. Yesterday’s blog on impact bias also says how we overestimate the emotional effect of any incident. So, it is not going to be as bad as you are imagining. You own yourself. The thoughts don’t own you. They are mere, powerless clouds. You give them power by giving them importance. That’s when they come down on us like a storm. If you stop feeding those clouds, you’ll have clear skies. A gentle rain once in a while, will not hurt you anyway. 🙂 Wishing you pleasant times!

Some people have this black hole effect unconsciously. Are you one of them?

For the purposes of this article, we are going to use this particular definition of a black hole – which refers to a place where things are lost never to be seen again.

Which, in human terms means – are you one of those who commit and forget all about it. Or anything that comes to you can be forgotten since one cannot expect you to remember and return (in case of an object), or reply/respond appropriately (in case of communication), or realize (in terms of feedback). And all of this, not because you didn’t want to. You have the best of intentions always. But you may not be paying attention to some things in a manner that matters to people.

1. This means – if you borrow something, you are very less likely to remember to return it. Not that you intend to keep it, but just that it doesn’t occur to you to return it unless asked. And sometimes, not return it even upon asking since you may have misplaced it or damaged it.

2. In terms of phone calls, emails, messages are you one of those who follow one-way traffic rules? Where you can get in touch with people whenever you want, but it doesn’t hold true the other way? Again, not that you intended it that way. But you have unconsciously become one of those who only communicate when you are open for it and might miss calls from friends and family and forget to call back too. Another way is, regardless of what they say, you mostly have the same expression/response. So, they may find you unreadable and hence be led to assume that you don’t really care or understand.

3. In terms of feedback, any feedback that comes to you – it doesn’t affect you in any way. Your shell has become too thick over the years for various reasons. So, you continue to be the same despite several reminders and feedbacks from people. So, people may get frustrated trying to communicate with you. That’s because they do not know if there’s any point to it at all since there’s no response or reaction from you at a deeper level. Every time they talk to you about it, you give the same/similar response like the previous time and continue to repeat the same thing again in the future.

The next step in either of these cases is quite self-explanatory at one level – that you lose credibility. But that’s something we all are aware of, aren’t we? There’s more to this though.

The other repercussions are,

• You may miss out on important people you love.
• You might end up being alone, not because you don’t care. But because you never explicitly communicated and showed that you truly cared.
• You may either be over-confident of yourself as you don’t remember any of the things that matter to others. So, you may not even realize you are unconsciously hurting others.
• Or, you may lose confidence in yourself since you repeatedly keep hearing from people that they don’t trust you at some level. Whenever you commit, people might laugh it off and say, “As if that will ever happen. It’s okay! I know you!”
• You may feel bad that people find it difficult to trust you. Or people misunderstand you often despite your best intentions.

Hence, it is so important to not be a black hole – which means people should never feel communication with you is a lost cause or a pointless affair. It’s necessary to be more transparent, open, communicative, and expressive. It is not others’ responsibility to understand us. It is our responsibility to make ourselves understood. Secondly, if you think you have a chance of forgetting either keep reminders or ask to be reminded by the concerned person. Give importance to what matters to others. Only if it matters to you, will you keep your word at it. And the only way you can make it matter to you is respecting and valuing what people value – especially the ones who you care about. No matter what intentions we have, if we make it painful for others, we will be left with much pain eventually!

By doing this, you are creating the fastest way to get yourself broken

Some of us tend to build a wall around us as a protective layer. Like a fort – where no one can come in unless we let them in. And we have a rigorous process that pans across a few days, months or years even. After careful scrutiny is when we make the big decision to let someone into that fort of ours. Why do we do this? Perhaps because someone took advantage of us, or took us for granted in the past. And we don’t want to repeat the same mistakes by letting people in just like that. We learn to be cautious. For all the right reasons! 

What we don’t realise is that this very protective nature of us is what’s paving the way for us to be broken not once, not twice, but on a regular basis. It’s like this – when you leave it open, people come and go freely. When you try to resist, people try to forcefully break-in, and then exit. The more we try to protect ourselves, the more we get hurt. 

The simple thing to realise is that you aren’t so fragile that you can be broken easily. And, there’s nothing within you that can be broken but cannot be rebuilt. Every experience offers valuable learning. When we regret, we miss the learning. So, be an active learner. Don’t try to avoid life. The walls might be putting off all the good people for all you know. They may not consider it worth their time to break all the resistance and come in. The naughty ones might consider it a good entertainment to break-in. So, think whether your wall is helping you or is it increasing your fear. The more we try to protect, the more fearful we are of it being robbed, stolen or broken. Be free. Set yourself free. Trust yourself the most. Trust that you have the capacity to bounce back in life always. And no one is breaking you. They are only breaking their own reputation.