It’s their game! Let them play.

Teach only if someone wants to learn
Speak only if someone wants to listen
Give only if someone wants to receive
Advise only if someone is willing to seek

Anything can work only if there’s a want. Where there’s a want, there will always be a will and where there’s a will, there is always a way. Truth be told – anything has its value only when there’s a want we hold. A dream that doesn’t exist cannot come true. A want that doesn’t persist, may not be valued too. It doesn’t mean we have to hold back all the time. We can create a compelling want in people. People are the way they are because they haven’t experienced other ways of being. Once they experience or get a taste of a new way of being, a powerful self, a beautiful relationship, the human mind will never settle for anything less knowing that it is capable of something better. We can create the want, build that dream, set the example and be our compelling positive self that the world would want to learn from our excellence. We can listen to our experience, gain from our gifts and seek our perspectives.

Half the struggles in the world are because we want someone to learn something, do something or accept something even if they are not ready for it. We tag our success to somebody else’s willingness to receive what we want to give. There is a certain amount of ‘I’ness in our transactions.

• We want our children to study well and become something. But do they want the same thing?
• We want someone to apologize. But do they feel it?
• We want someone to learn from our experience and change from our feedback. But do they see the need for it?

Not everything in life has to be enforced. We seem to be flooded with lots of options and yet have no choice at all. Each person makes the best choice available to them. We may think they are being stupid or difficult. But how do we know what criteria of theirs is getting fulfilled by being so? Sooner or later we all arrive at our respective destinations. Whether in our way or theirs, people reach where they want to reach. There’s learning in every route, in every step and every journey. Each person is unique and so is their journey. They may have a journey that is very different from ours but it is significant in its own way. In that difference lays their learning and ours.

We might want others to learn the way we teach or be the way we want. No harm in wanting something. But it is good to be aware that it will happen only if it is in line with their life’s story and what they want for themselves. Being aware of that will help us accept whichever way it goes.

Differences in point of views are not worthy of creating difference between two people. Different perspectives can
co-exist because they each are here for a specific reason and they each fulfill a purpose by their presence. Honest points of difference are learning opportunities. What is it that we can learn from an opposite point of view or an opposing force? This is a great question that helps us perceive differences healthily and enables us to accept, learn and grow.

We might be upset and pick a fight because someone is not listening to us despite of us repeatedly telling them. But did we stop and wonder – why should that person listen to us at all? Why should things be the way we want? Can we adjust instead? Our way perhaps is more effective but it may not be what the other person wants now. They may want something else. Perhaps because there’s a different learning they are seeking currently. We can’t dictate the rules of their game unless they are seeking our inputs. And even when they are seeking, it doesn’t guarantee an acceptance. They still have the choice.

“Those who wish to sing will find a song!”

Complimenting is an art!

We have all received compliments at some point of time or the other. Some we remember, some we don’t. And then there are those few that we cherish – the ones that bring a smile on our face anytime we think of them. It could’ve been years back, but every time we think of them, the same feeling of happiness comes by again. What is it that makes a compliment tick and stick for so long? Here are a few things that made the difference:

1) How they feel depends on how you say – Firstly, like everything else, complimenting too is an art. And art means expression. Consider half the job done, when you say it with expressions and communicate your energy and enthusiasm behind the compliment. It is such that it lifts the emotional state of the receiver in an instant. Passionately communicate rather than merely stating. Compliment is an expression of praise or admiration not a generic talk.

2) Make it an identity – Anything positive can be made to an identity level statement. For example, you are a terrific orator (instead of, ‘you speak well’); you are a great singer (instead of, ‘you sing well’). This will help them get associated with a positive word for themselves and repeat their excellence in other contexts too.

3) Remember & recall – It is important that you are explicitly quoting what you liked the most. That way, you are giving evidence that you were fully there and focused; and by stating specifics, you are also helping the person understand what the best part about what they did was and help the other person bring their unconscious excellence to their consciousness. Hence repeating this behaviour will be easy for them in the future.

4) Don’t stop just yet – Stating one sentence is easy. But, if you really liked something and truly want to appreciate, be generous with words. If their actions blew you away, the least we can do is sweeping them off their feet with our words, isn’t it? This is one place where we wouldn’t leave a person wanting for more. Let’s just give it to them since they deserve it.

5) ‘Buts’ can be parked – Following up a compliment with a ‘but’ is as good as negating. It is said that whatever precedes ‘but’ is bullshit. Think about it – “I like you…but…” And you don’t even want to hear the rest of it because you know the first part is not absolute. A compliment is strong enough to stand alone. It doesn’t need the support of advises or suggestions. Let’s park them for a later date if required.

6) Stick to the present rather than the past– Sometimes, when we like something about a person in the present, we tend to compare it with the behaviour of theirs from the past which we didn’t appreciate as much. This can backfire at times. Also, rather than spending more time talking about a past that wasn’t appreciated, we might as well focus on the present that we appreciate. The golden rule is ‘stay put with the desired behaviour’.

7)  You could be better, but that is for later – It isn’t about you, so fully focus on the other. Even if you have done something similar, or if you were the one who is responsible for their excellence right now, that is not most important right now. Be magnanimous and selfless in appreciation of the other. A simple sentence like, “See, I told you” or “I did something very similar” can reduce the effect of a compliment. You can’t appreciate and advice someone at the same time!

8) Compliments don’t need cousins for comparison – Rather than telling someone that they were better than another, appreciate them for who they truly are. That way we are truly celebrating excellence without putting down another. When we compare we may forget to see their uniqueness.

9) Don’t miss the moment – As much as the compliment, the timing is also important. Say it as soon as you experience their excellence. Say someone won an award and if you wish them after 3 months, even when you had the chance to wish them the same day …!!!

10) And then stop – Anything in excess loses its credibility. Saying the same thing in different variations isn’t effective. In fact, it makes people think that there’s no depth or content in the compliment. So, it’s good to know when to stop just as well.

As much as it is a joy to receive a compliment, there is just as much in giving a compliment and lighting up someone’s day too. Intent is always right behind a compliment. Getting it right hence, becomes easy. There could be more things to make a good compliment a cherished experience. Feel free to share. And, have a wonderful day ahead!

The tough part of Change!

What is the toughest part of change usually? That change is out of our comfort zone, that it is new, that it needs time, that it needs acceptance! Perhaps all these and many more – but the most important part is that sometimes we spend a lot of time trying to change others more than focusing on ourselves. That makes it really tough as we cannot change anyone. The only person whom we can change is ourself. However, we can always influence a change in others.

You wanting the other person to change is not a bad thing. But change can truly happen only when there is a deep desire from within the person. When we enforce a change on people whom we love, even with the best interest in mind, it can backfire and move people away from us.

Sometimes we have certain conditions on the change of the other person. Say, if we place a condition for our happiness based on whether someone else changes or not, that’s the start of trouble; mainly for 2 reasons – one, it is not in our control. Two – it may happen or it may not happen. So, if we spend a lot of our energies trying to change someone else, we should be well aware of the above conditions and be prepared accordingly. Just because someone is our husband, wife, son, daughter, friend, parent etc. doesn’t mean that they have to listen to us and change – even if it is in their best interest.

Can change come with choices? Can change come with flexibility? Can change come with respecting what the other person wants for themselves too? Yes – then we are talking about a win-win. A change not because you want it, but because it will enable the other person.

One fundamental question to ask ourselves before we try changing others is – “what is it that I need to have within me to accept this person the way he/she is?” “What should I have in me, so I can accept their behavior?” And when you strengthen that aspect in yourself to accept people the way they are, and love people for who they are, your ability to influence others will be greater – because you are in harmony with yourself and others. No amount of force can get you what a little bit of love can. 🙂

We can’t force a bud to bloom. I know that regular walks can do a lot of good to my parents. Yet, I don’t need to keep telling them that in every conversation – then I am almost bugging them and refusing to see anything else apart from that one thing. I am so fixated on this one aspect that if I hear a no for this, I am pretty much zoned out to listen to anything else that they might have to say. So, think about it – if that one change is making you lose focus on everything else that the person is or does and if we are insisting on looking at just that one aspect of change – it can be frustrating – not just for us but for the other too. The more we persist, the more they resist. If you want someone to keep you posted on all that they do and wherever they go all the time, it may not happen. But if you can let go of wanting others to change and just be an example of what you wish to see in them, they will eventually be influenced by you.

At times, relationships are strained not because they don’t love each other but because one of them is constantly focusing on that one thing that they don’t like in the other and expects them to change. It prevents them from seeing all the other good qualities they have. Life seems like a constant struggle trying to tell someone to change, change, and change! But what we don’t realize is – people automatically change, if we stop telling them and love them anyway.  I can always tell someone, “It would be wonderful if you woke up a little early.” But if they don’t wake up early, that doesn’t mean I have to be grumpy and spoil their and my entire morning – that causes the strain.

There’s this popular old English movie called Pretty Woman, where Richard Gere with a gentle smile tells Julia Roberts,” When you’re not fidgeting, you look very beautiful and very tall”. I loved the way he said it – a positive influence and a gentle way of stating something in a way that the other person gets immediately. He did not ask her to stop fidgeting or that she doesn’t look good when she fidgets. He only said that she looks good when she isn’t fidgeting. What a way to influence I thought! People may not readily change their views or habits for our sake or even for their own sake. But that shouldn’t determine how we are towards them. We can always communicate what’s important about doing something a particular way or being in a particular way. But that point of difference needn’t be the only thing to focus maximum energy on most of the times. Can we mutually co-exist with different points of view? And again, all this is for self. If you have someone in your life who expects you to change, and your heart is not in it, rather than expecting them to change their views first, see what is it that you can develop in you that will help you deal with them in a respectful and loving way.

The world is our classroom; Every human, our teacher !

Who do you learn from? Do you have criteria for someone to be your teacher? Do you have clauses that you will consider someone a teacher only if you feel they are more qualified than you in some way? I thought like that once upon a time. I thought the teacher has to be all perfect and really know what they are talking, should be humble, polite and all that. Only then would I consider them my teacher.

However, when I finally met my Guru, he dispelled all my myths. I realised that if we are nit picky about our teachers we’ll perhaps get to learn something. But we might not be able to see the value in the vast majority of people around us who definitely have something to offer. And if we are open to learning from anyone, the world is our classroom, every human, our teacher and our learning possibilities, limitless!

If we explore this thought a bit more, we realize that we unconsciously learn a lot more from trying or difficult experiences  than a formal teaching. Every time we come across a person being difficult, we learn how to navigate our way with them. We learn patience. Every time we come across a situation where there is no one to help, we begin to help ourselves. We learn being self reliant. Even if a teacher taught a concept wrong, if we seek to understand that better, we learn that concept in depth. When someone doesn’t teach well, we understand what not to do while teaching. When a business goes wrong we learn what to do and what not to do the next time. When someone doesn’t treat us right, we feel hurt and realize how important it is to treat people right. We learn to lead by example. The examples are a dime a dozen. We will find greater value in every person we meet when we drop our criteria to learn. To be a student then, there’s only one criterion – and that is ‘to be willing to learn’. If you can be a student, anyone can be your teacher!

On this teacher’s day, I thank my Guru for enabling me to see a teacher in every person and a learning opportunity in every situation.  I also thank all  the people in my life who have been teaching me something in their own, unique way. Thank you and happy teacher’s day!

The best of teachers and the not so great of experiences, both can be great teachers that we learn from. A teacher doesn’t need to know everything under the sun, for us to learn. Remember, a paper with our answers determines our degree at the end of a course more than all the lessons during the course.