The solution to your problems

There is nobody or nothing in this world that can solve all our problems! So, we shouldn’t waste our time looking for that! If things are bothering us, then we are our biggest problem. Thoughts don’t come; anger doesn’t come; irritation doesn’t come to us. We create those. Since we create those, only we can remove them by removing the importance we give to ourselves.

Learn what needs to change within you to handle yourself better. Learn how you can sail through life without much resistance and have more openness! Then anyone can help. Else, no one can! We are all here for the same purpose, i.e. learning! Not flatter ourselves or our egos! If talking for hours would solve problems, we’d have no problems at all by now. Understanding yourself and breaking down your ego will help solve your problems. Look for someone who can help you dismantle your ego, not soothe it and instigate it further. Don’t look for people who are interested in listening to your problems. If anyone is interested in your problems, it is unhealthy. Look for people who are interested in YOU! Then they can guide you towards your well-being. Stop giving undue importance to yourself and your problems and expecting others also to do that. If you want to help yourself, be a good listener. Most problems are solved if you shut the mind and open your heart. 

Don’t believe that anyone can heal you or hurt you! Only you can do that for yourself. The illusions that we believe create the miseries that we experience. Detach yourself from yourself. Look at yourself from a far off place – we are all a small speck of dirt! Nothing more! We have a temporary abode. Then how can our problems have a permanent residence? It’s a short life. The choice we have is to either live in the illusion of misery or experience freedom. Don’t look for long term associations with therapists. Don’t create dependencies that chain you to believing that you are insufficient or good because someone reinforces that for you.

You are the creator’s creation, and He has made no mistake in creating you. It is left up to you to recognise the innate goodness in you and around you. Be open to learning from everyone without chaining or getting chained. It’s okay to fall. But never choose to stay down. You may need momentary help to get back on your feet. But don’t expect anyone to teach you how to walk all over again just because you fell. Your fall has given you more experience yourself if you are open to learning from your mistakes. Avoid feeling sorry for yourself. You don’t need it. All of life is an experience. The monsters and the heroes of your life are all your creation. Exaggerated perceptions create exaggerated effects on us. We kill mosquitoes and ants, which doesn’t affect us as much – because they are tiny creations, perhaps. But even if someone hurts us, it affects us a lot. Because we have a larger than life, exaggerated perception of ourselves. It doesn’t help! Imagine if we look at ourselves as ants or that speck of dirt, most problems wouldn’t even arise. When we minimise everything else, we maximise our awareness. When we maximise our awareness, we develop the ability to view everything in perspective. That’s when you solve all your problems yourself!

If you observe what you feel, it will pass.

If you identify with what you feel, it will affect you. 

No one can hurt you. They can only make you get in touch with the hurt that’s already within you!

No one can irritate you. They can only make you realise the irritation that’s already within you!

No one can make you feel loved. They can only make you recognise the love that’s already within you. 

No one can make you feel anything that isn’t already a part of you. If you are feeling it, it is already within you. They just helped you get in touch with what’s within. Thank them for it!

If you don’t like what you are feeling, change what’s within you! Then no matter what happens outside, what you feel inside will be what you want to feel.

If there was an award for being the most self-critical, would that go to you?

Being self-critical is one hobby that we unconsciously pick up and become really good at in no time – all in the pursuit of self-improvement. However, it doesn’t really help us achieve that purpose quite as well as we had imagined.

One might wonder then, how does one change if we don’t find our own flaws and faults. Great question! Yes! It is important to know one’s strengths and opportunities – but not in a way that impedes our confidence and our ability to pursue life in full potential. The knowledge of where we went wrong, and what we can do better is helpful only so long as we actively pursue learning for ourselves. Not if we use it to limit our very own self. 

Did you know that constantly scolding yourself gives you the permission to continue being at your less than optimal state in the long run? You read that right! We just get better at being bad if we continuously pull ourselves down.  So don’t get into a competition of scolding yourself or telling yourself that you are unable to do this, you can’t help yourself, you aren’t confident, you are a mess, you don’t know to communicate etc. because the more you tell yourself that, the more you are giving yourself the unconscious permission to be just that. It’s like declaring to yourself and the world that you have some terminal illness that is beyond cure. Obviously then, dying is the most natural expectation that others and yourself will have of you. Where’s the question then of life, hope, and of getting better?

If you want to really help yourself, “Catch yourself to coach yourself. Not to criticise yourself.” (Source: Just Open)

At times, people give up without even exploring, or trying the alternatives. They are so used to living with themselves the way they are, that they’d rather die criticising than challenge themselves to be any different. It’s a far more deadlier virus than anything we have witnessed. We have such low expectations of ourselves and we repeatedly tell ourselves, “I have been this way. It is tough to change. I tried but I couldn’t. I am like this. You don’t know my past. It is easier said than done.” And so on and so forth. The nature of these sentences is such that it prevents your mind from conceiving/considering any possibilities of challenging yourself to learn. Your mind resigns to the fact that ‘the Master doesn’t want to change. So let us just continue this way.’

No one is interested in knowing how well you can scold yourself. It would be inspiring to see how committed you are to change yourself. 

Give a reason for your mind to feel challenged and not resign. Don’t take succumbing to your fears as the only alternative to life. Challenge yourself to question your limiting beliefs about yourself. Challenge yourself to change. You may have been short-tempered, you may have been lazy, you may have been whatever else so far. But you don’t have to continue to be that way forever. Don’t give up on yourself. You aren’t a victim of yourself, or of life. You can become a survivor this very minute if you only challenge yourself healthily. And life won’t change for the better unless we commit to changing ourselves for the better. We were not born with these prejudices and criticisms. We can change anything that we weren’t born with and quite some things that we were born with too. Doesn’t matter who started this game of criticising. You can change it or end it for yourself. Don’t make a pathetic excuse of life, when you can be a precious example of it. Find the conviction to rise in front of your own eyes! For those who are convinced that they can change, courage will naturally follow. 

Why bother loving others, or believing in others, when we can’t for our own selves?

We are not stuck because of lack of courage. Rather, we are stuck because of a lack of conviction. Some are more convinced, and hence more courageous.

You are anyways thinking. Which means, you can think. Hence, think you can!

It’s your choice whether you wish to line up an ambulance fearing you’ll fall. Or line up an award believing that you’ll rise!

(For the other kind, who mostly believe the world is at fault and they deserve more sympathy/ recognition/ attention/ love/ care, this one’s not for you.) Eventually, both beliefs – the word is right and I am wrong, or, I am right and the world is wrong – are lopsided perspectives. Always remember there’s no smoke without fire. Our world is a response to what we are thinking and being mostly. So every situation is an opportunity for us to be better, smarter, wiser in some way. Just remove the guilts and the blames – and we shall be along on our journey just fine!

We don’t deserve better! We get better!

Those who think they deserve better, stay where they are feeling bitter. Those who challenge themselves to get better, get ahead feeling better. 

If you think it is bad that some people have low expectations of us, it’s worse still to think of living down to those.

Should you search for yourself?

We have access to more than what we need today. And yet we feel incomplete. We have a lot but yet, the heart searches for something. Many are in search of something, some are in search of finding out themselves, who they are! It’s a great question. Ramana Maharshi, a great Indian philosopher, and saint also said, the most important question to ask ourselves is, “Who am I?” Constantly discovering ourselves and avoiding getting too attached to any of the labels, judgments, roles, or identities that we don in life. I think it’s a powerful search. 

In the process of this search, how are you being is worth considering perhaps? If one is irritable, impatient, judgmental about the rest, this search might take a mighty long time. And it might create a lot of chaos for self and others. Are we being grateful for whatever we already have in the pursuit of what we want to find? If not, we may be completely missing the point. Without gratitude, we not only miss understanding how beautiful this life is and misunderstand people but also go further away from finding anything meaningful or worth finding. 

To find abundance, one needs to be tuned to abundance, and believe in abundance. Likewise, to find anything, you gotta appreciate and believe in it. Our subconscious mind is more powerful than anything else. It will help you find only what you believe in. If you believe in miracles, it’ll help you locate more miracles. If you believe in the devil, it will help you find more of it. If you are fearful of what you may find, if you are resistant to opening up to the truth, you might just find more masks to shy away from it. 

If you are too particular and have too many criteria on how you want to find what you want to find, then there’s an implication: 

• If you are already sure of what it is
• If you are unable to appreciate other lives and others’ efforts around you
• If you see people as a hindrance to your search
• If you feel you need something else other than what you have

You are complicating the entire process.

For a seeker who is keen, every situation, every interaction, and every person is seen as an opportunity to further their search. They are open, kind, and considerate. 

A dismissive mindset unfortunately dismisses the very thing that you are searching for from right under your nose. 

In a quest to find something that you don’t understand, know, or have, don’t be dismissive of all the people, and blessings that you already have. It might just be a regret later. All of life is designed to help us find what we need. So, we can’t wish for all of it to go away.

May you find what you are searching for, and may you cherish what you already have. 

You are here because you chose to be!

This is one of the most powerful sentences! I am sure many of you would have read this sentence or something on similar lines before. When I read it, it was like as if my entire life just paused for a minute and I floated above it to see – that I am here because I chose to be. So, everything that is happening, that has happened, and that will happen is for me. Exclusively for me! And there’s nothing good or bad. There’s just intense, less intense, or highly intense moments that each offer me something valuable. When I call it good and bad, I may be discriminating and hence, willing to learn, observe and gain from it. When I just see it, I notice the intensity of something, without calling it this or that, and I remind myself – I am here because I chose to be and this is all a part of the grand plan -the silver lining becomes more predominant than the temporary cloud. 

None of us are here by accident! None of us are here by error!  There’s no point thinking what if it happened some other way. It happened this way to enable me to fulfil what I am here for. If you feel you are forced to go to a party you might not enjoy. In fact, you might find a lot of things very annoying. But if it is your party, the one that you have chosen, planned, designed and looked forward to so much – you’ll have gratitude that the party is happening, and you’ll make the most of it – whichever way. And for once, you won’t think of who created this party, why did they have you here, what good could possibly come of it, why can’t you just leave etc. You won’t find the necessity to persecute or victimise. You simply get busy in your party with gratitude – constantly doing what you need to do, reminding yourself that you are the host and everyone else are guests. You take care of yourself, the party and other things. Your constant focus will be on what best you can do to add to the party spirit, being the organizer. In your own party, that you chose, you are too occupied getting it together to be focused on feeling anything else that is less desirable. If there’s a power failure, you light up the place with candles. If there are no candles, you create a game to give light in that darkness. If you lose the game, you laugh and try again, or try something else.  

At the end of it, you will be happy with yourself for choosing to be here and giving it all you’ve got. Your efforts count. You know that you put in your heart and soul to it. There are no further measures to define or defy yourself as success or otherwise. You made the choice to be here, and you showed up. Claps for that!!

If you have anyways chosen to be here, why not be in full shape and form? Why play on back foot? Might as well go on front foot, and hit the ball out of the park. You’ll be happy for not just showing up, but showing up with great sense of energy and enthusiasm! You aren’t at anyone’s mercy! You are here because you chose to be! May you trust and make way for the universal energy to be with you all the way!

What are you reflecting to the world?

What it takes to be a good leader

Leadership is not an exclusive concept to be learned. It is an inclusive idea to be imbibed.

Sometimes, people want to learn about leadership but are not ready to be leaders. They are enamored by the concept of being a leader. But when it comes to being, it feels outside of their comfort zone. One can’t be a leader because one wants to feel powerful and call shots for others. One can at best, become a manager. However, you automatically become a leader if your attention is compassionately on others and their well-being. After working with several leaders who have been inspirational, here are some of the common traits that I have seen in of them.

1. Leaders are constantly ready to step outside of their comfort zone. They are ready to be there for others. They aren’t scared of making mistakes because they are ever ready to learn. They are humble to apologise. The rest who aren’t able to become leaders are usually once bitten, twice shy. They feel bitter about past experiences and are too scared to make further mistakes. So, they tend to play it safe. They pay more emphasis on their projection than being face to face with reality. 

2. A leader thinks of what’s in it for everyone. They think of win-win at all times. A wise person once said, give anything to a person for free twice, and you’ll know their true nature. Leaders naturally have it in them to make sure that others win along with them. Whether it is services, goods, or help, they wouldn’t claim free rights even if they are offered. If they need it, they ensure they adequately compensate the other person for it in due course. If they can’t compensate for the other person’s time and efforts, they don’t avail it in the first place.
   
3. Leaders are resilient and flexible. They aren’t afraid to try new ideas. They are open to listening to new ideas with great curiosity. People who lack leadership capabilities are resistant to change. They are often convinced of their own thoughts and ways of being that they find it hard to consider alternative viewpoints. 
   
4. Leaders don’t prove others wrong. They express their points of view in ways that are respectful. Not forceful. And their attention is on the point at hand and the effect of it. Not about proving or disproving ego states. Hence, people are often more agreeable with true leaders because they are aware of the finer nuances of addressing conflicts or differences in points of view with respect and due consideration to all parties concerned. 

5. Leaders are humbly confident. This, by far, is a brilliant combination. Most people are either confident or humble. But leaders are humbly confident, and that’s what makes their personality so endearing. Which means they don’t make their life and conversations all about them. They don’t give their ego too much importance. At the same time, they are confident in their skills and capabilities without letting it hit their head. They have big-picture thinking. So, life’s not all about what they think, what they need, what they can do, what people did to them, what they achieved, and what happened to them. But what’s the need of the hour, what needs to be done, and how can they get it done.

6. Leaders are good listeners. Listening without interruptions and without judgment is a key skill that great leaders have. When people enter their room, they leave feeling heard not judged. They aren’t quick to give suggestions. Instead, they help people arrive at their own answers. They believe in empowering others rather than making them dependent. They don’t believe in hearing their own voice or telling their own stories all the time. They give others a great chance to speak and demonstrate a beautiful capacity to make people feel listened to and understood.

7. Leaders remember. They don’t need reminders. They remember people. Acknowledge people of all statures and greet them with the same warmth. They get back on tasks without waiting for reminders for the most part. They know what is due from their end by when. If we can’t organise our own lives, how could we help others? Hence, great leaders are usually ahead of the game. 

8. Whether the lights are on or off, a leader is who he/she is. They are balanced in their approach not just in one platform but across different situations in their life. Being authentic and trustworthy is key.

9. The most important aspect is leaders take responsibility. They don’t throw others under the bus. They also don’t play the victim rolein life. They learn from whatever happens in life without feeling sorry for themselves or without feeling a sense of entitlement that others owe them something because of all that they went through.

10. Leaders recognise the goodness and strengths of others. They celebrate excellence without feeling threatened or intimidated. They understand they there’s enough room for everyone to freely exist and grow with their respective talents. They enable people to emerge and excel with their own talents. 

11. Great leaders also know when, how much, and how to express themselves. They express themselves with ease and charm. There’s a sense of genuineness in them. Hence, they are able to freely express their thoughts and feelings with elegance. Leaders don’t brush aside emotions. They understand the value of emotions and hence acknowledge, address, and appeal to the emotions of people around them. Emotions are the essence of humans – regardless of race, origin, and creed. If you try to overlook this aspect, you are overlooking the most critical and influential aspect of humans. And hence, you may not ever be able to have a great influence on them. Great leaders are aware of this.

12. Leaders are good at giving critical feedback in a constructive manner. Their idea is not to make a person feel bad about themselves but enable them to be better versions of themselves by connecting with their outcomes in life. Some of us state critical feedback because we are annoyed with them. So, we mostly vomit! Leaders speak! They critique healthily to enable learning. Not to vent out their frustrations on others. 

13. Leaders are visionaries. They can think ahead and see what others can’t. Their actions are not just based on the need for the day but also a view for the future which involves the larger good of others. 

14. Leaders don’t wait to be taught. They grab every opportunity to learn and implement. And a leader is not just limited to a role in an organisational set-up. Your mother could be a leader, your child could be a leader, the watchman at the gate could be a leader in his own right. A leader is anyone who doesn’t back down and seek personal comfort in challenging times. Rather, chooses to rise to the occasion and march forward doing what is necessary for any situation. A leader is a constant learner. Learning, not for the sake of showing off but the skill but to implement the needful.

How to deal with people who do not accept when you change

Sometimes, even after you changed for the better, people will try to remind you about your past and will hold on to their image of you from the past. They find it difficult to let go of it and identify you with your new changes. That’s because they find comfort in representing you that way in their life. They have you represented as something, and themselves as something in relation to you. Now because you changed, they can’t simply change their impression because it involves changing the entire equation itself – which means – changing themselves too. Because in your old ways, they would’ve interacted or responded to you in a certain way. Now that you have changed, they have to change not just their mental map of you, but also their way of responding to you and representing you. That’s a lot of work on their end – and unless they are truly willing and flexible to make the shifts, it just feels more convenient for the moment to hold on to the old belief about you. 

What usually happens in this case, is that some people who change, feel there’s no point in them changing since some key people in their life are not recognising their change. So they go back to their old ways. Thus, proving the other person true – that their change was not for real, it was only momentary. 

However, that’s the place where if you can find your own conviction for changing and keep reassuring yourself that you are on the right path, it will greatly help. People will eventually change their perspective of you – they need time to make that shift – because it is externally driven initially. You changed because you wanted to. For them to change, it has to come from within too. So, create a compelling need for them by continuing to be the better version of you. Your efforts will never go in vain. Trust yourself and trust the universe on that. Every single moment that you are different, you are happier with yourself for sustaining the change, someone else might be inspired looking at your change, you feel more confident about yourself and hence, more peaceful and happy too! While momentarily, your efforts do not seem to get acknowledged, if you keep at it, you’ll be the leader of change!

In the meantime, avoid getting into debates or arguments, trying to convince them to acknowledge your change. The more you force, the more frustrated both parties will be. Thus, making it even more difficult for the other to acknowledge the change. Let them have their map, smile, acknowledge their perspective, and don’t be affected by it.

Also, understand that your past behaviours would have had a certain impacted on them too. And they need time to reassure themselves that this change is for real. Because they don’t want to go back to readjusting to old ways just in case you flip. It’s their fear at times, that prevents them from accepting something too quickly. And it takes time to undo what has happened and open up to new possibilities.

Now that you know what’s causing the delay, your patience and understanding in this regard could just be another feather in your cap.

Does luck play a role in success?

Yes! Of course!

But, as the old proverb goes – “Fortune favours the brave”.

Which means – Lady Luck will be on your side if you are brave to:

• keep trying despite facing rejections or failures
• take risks and go beyond your comfort zone
• receive feedback graciously and learn from it

Despite your best efforts, if Lady Luck hasn’t smiled, remember that she hasn’t smiled just “yet”. Not that she won’t smile “ever”. And if your efforts haven’t paid off, then you need to do something differently. The sooner you change, the faster you’ll learn and succeed. If you think you are right, you’ll feel bitter and left-out by Lady Luck. If you believe that she’s on your side, you’ll think she’s teasing you, and you’ll play along until she’s with you. Luck and love are always with you!

The biggest myth about confidence

Is that it comes from certainty of knowing you are right! We couldn’t be further from the truth. Being too sure that we are right, doesn’t denote confidence. It denotes something else.

It is important to never be too sure that you are right.

Be happy that you are giving your best. But don’t be too sure. If you are too sure, you won’t be open to other perspectives or other ways of doing what you are doing. You will get stagnated and sometimes even start rotting. And that feeling of being right makes you want to defend yourself to such an extent that you will be constantly fighting battles with the world. Eventually, whether you win those battles or not, you may not be happy since you are constantly fighting battles. You may just feel drained out and sometimes, frustrated even!

Confidence doesn’t come from getting things right or believing that you are doing right. Confidence means trusting oneself and one’s abilities. TRUST means reliability. Self-confidence means you are ready to rely on yourself any day because you trust that you have the capacity to learn, you have the capacity to change, you have the ability to find your way out of situations and you trust that life is constantly shaping you for your highest good.

A truly confident person has the least resistance or reluctance. They are ready to flow because they know nothing can break them or damage them. Even if something goes wrong, they trust that they can build themselves back.

A lot of people who believe they are right, don’t have confidence. That belief, if anything, makes us become arrogant (for lack of a better word). They demonstrate too much strength for the fear of being broken. It’s like a fragile bubble. They are more fearful of being proved wrong. Hence, they have a strong guard, trying to protect themselves from anyone or anything that might cause any damage to their perception, or their belief about themselves. And it’s all unconscious fears and patterns that make us be so.

A confident person is okay to be proven wrong because they see their learning in it. They are not judging themselves. They are observing and learning.

It’s like a good mother and child relationship – a mother loves her child no matter how it looks, or what it does. It is unwavering. A mother believes in her child and constantly encourages the child to realise its potential. Never doubts it based on achievements and failures. Is able to see beyond the external measures. A mother recognises the inner beauty and inner strength of the child. Can you be that mother to your own self? Can you truly understand and acknowledge yourself as a deeper human being beyond your world achievements or social stature? Can you be kind to yourself? Can you let go of the need to prove knowing that you are already accepted? Can you believe that you are unique with unique gifts that you can offer to the world? You don’t have to be better than anybody. You have to give your best every moment. And for that – you have to trust yourself. If you can, then confidence is yours!

No one can hurt my loved ones. But why?

We get irritated, angry, or protective if someone else abuses/ disrespects/ takes for granted, or even comments about the person we love. We would have done that ourselves a minute back or a day before. But that’s okay! We do it out of love. How can someone else do that? We get territorial. We have the right to abuse them – because of the privilege we have given them – to get loved by us. We have the right to ill-treat them or take them for granted because it comes from a place of love. So, it won’t affect them. But others? No way! They don’t even know this person well enough, let alone love, to be able to comment on them and get away with it.

Why do we do that? Is it because we feel guilty for abusing them that we try to make up for it by getting angry at others who do that? Since we can’t change ourselves, we try to make up for our sins by calling others, sinners? It makes us less of a sinner by doing so? It reduces the impact of our insult since we protected them against someone else?

Despite all the love, we don’t have the patience. Despite all the love, we don’t spare an extra minute to understand or explain. But we expect others to do all that with much less love and concern than we claim ourselves to have.

That’s a very strange idea of justice and redemption, isn’t it? We don’t try to become saints but get angry at others and actively call them sinners. So that in comparison to them, we appear less evil! Quite fantastic this mind of ours – we manipulate ourselves more than we manipulate anyone else ! And that manipulation, we call love!

We kid ourselves to believe that all our comments leave no negative impact since it comes from a place of love. While outsider’s comments can damage them? The big news is – Our casual comments cause more damage than any outsider’s intentional actions. Do you know why? Because of our love! They take us more seriously! An outsider’s comment, they can brush off without much thought. But an insider’s goes inside their heart directly. That’s why there’s more damage at close quarters than a war outside the house can ever cause.

It’s time we pay attention to our so-called casual comments, our mild irritation, and our loving anger, to truly see the damage we are causing. No point getting angry on outsiders when the insiders themselves fail to respect and value what they have. How can we expect someone else with half of our love, respect them more than double what we do? This could be true not just of humans, but also of our country, resources, our own selves too. We get angry at someone for commenting on us because somewhere we believe it is true, or we fear it is true. Otherwise, it wouldn’t affect us. We want others to love us, accept us, and take care of us. But we don’t do that ourselves. We abuse ourselves the most. Hence, any little thing that the outsider does, hits us like a cannonball!

The bottom line is, we can’t expect anyone outside of us to do anything that we aren’t doing ourselves. We can have a zillion reasons for what we are – but they are just excuses. We think our reasons provide a source of entitlement for ourselves to get away with murder even. But nothing can take away the effect of your actions unless you consciously change your actions. It is not tough to change provided, we stop hiding behind our reasons. The minute we say, ‘it is tough to change’, ‘anger just comes to me’ – that means we are feeling comfortable being what we are. We have made peace with ourselves for being however sluggish we are. And that is doom’s day for us! Life will never change for the better. This age-old quote never runs out of fashion – “Where there’s a will, there’s a way!” Anything that we have been trying to change but couldn’t, we just haven’t wanted it strong enough. The day we want it like we can’t live another moment without it – change will naturally happen! The time and energy we spend in trying to protect others from others, if we spend in trying to protect them from ourselves, I am sure we’ll change. Won’t we?