The solution to your problems

There is nobody or nothing in this world that can solve all our problems! So, we shouldn’t waste our time looking for that! If things are bothering us, then we are our biggest problem. Thoughts don’t come; anger doesn’t come; irritation doesn’t come to us. We create those. Since we create those, only we can remove them by removing the importance we give to ourselves.

Learn what needs to change within you to handle yourself better. Learn how you can sail through life without much resistance and have more openness! Then anyone can help. Else, no one can! We are all here for the same purpose, i.e. learning! Not flatter ourselves or our egos! If talking for hours would solve problems, we’d have no problems at all by now. Understanding yourself and breaking down your ego will help solve your problems. Look for someone who can help you dismantle your ego, not soothe it and instigate it further. Don’t look for people who are interested in listening to your problems. If anyone is interested in your problems, it is unhealthy. Look for people who are interested in YOU! Then they can guide you towards your well-being. Stop giving undue importance to yourself and your problems and expecting others also to do that. If you want to help yourself, be a good listener. Most problems are solved if you shut the mind and open your heart. 

Don’t believe that anyone can heal you or hurt you! Only you can do that for yourself. The illusions that we believe create the miseries that we experience. Detach yourself from yourself. Look at yourself from a far off place – we are all a small speck of dirt! Nothing more! We have a temporary abode. Then how can our problems have a permanent residence? It’s a short life. The choice we have is to either live in the illusion of misery or experience freedom. Don’t look for long term associations with therapists. Don’t create dependencies that chain you to believing that you are insufficient or good because someone reinforces that for you.

You are the creator’s creation, and He has made no mistake in creating you. It is left up to you to recognise the innate goodness in you and around you. Be open to learning from everyone without chaining or getting chained. It’s okay to fall. But never choose to stay down. You may need momentary help to get back on your feet. But don’t expect anyone to teach you how to walk all over again just because you fell. Your fall has given you more experience yourself if you are open to learning from your mistakes. Avoid feeling sorry for yourself. You don’t need it. All of life is an experience. The monsters and the heroes of your life are all your creation. Exaggerated perceptions create exaggerated effects on us. We kill mosquitoes and ants, which doesn’t affect us as much – because they are tiny creations, perhaps. But even if someone hurts us, it affects us a lot. Because we have a larger than life, exaggerated perception of ourselves. It doesn’t help! Imagine if we look at ourselves as ants or that speck of dirt, most problems wouldn’t even arise. When we minimise everything else, we maximise our awareness. When we maximise our awareness, we develop the ability to view everything in perspective. That’s when you solve all your problems yourself!

If you observe what you feel, it will pass.

If you identify with what you feel, it will affect you. 

No one can hurt you. They can only make you get in touch with the hurt that’s already within you!

No one can irritate you. They can only make you realise the irritation that’s already within you!

No one can make you feel loved. They can only make you recognise the love that’s already within you. 

No one can make you feel anything that isn’t already a part of you. If you are feeling it, it is already within you. They just helped you get in touch with what’s within. Thank them for it!

If you don’t like what you are feeling, change what’s within you! Then no matter what happens outside, what you feel inside will be what you want to feel.

One thing that matters for sure to anyone

The hair that you comb and color will break and fall.

The body that you nourish and exercise will stink even if you don’t bathe for a day.

The perfume that you spray, can’t mask the smell that you have beyond a point!

Your most branded belongings will also be rags one day!

Your ego only serves to getting you hurt or illusioned and nothing else!

No matter how beautiful your name, you will be referred to as “the body” once you die.

No one cares if it was a fit body or a fat body!

If it was a fair body or a dark one.

If it had hair or didn’t, 

If the hair was white or black.

The only thing, that doesn’t rot, fall, break or decompose is your kindness and goodness

that you leave behind as your footprint. 

Nothing else matters! 

Have you taken care of it today?

How many lives have you touched positively today?

And no, it’s not by advising. 🙂

Do you know if you are demanding in relationships?

Back in the days when phones weren’t so common and emails were more common among friends, this incident is from those days.

I used to be in regular correspondence with a friend of mine. And I had a very quick response time always. So, there was this one time when work schedules got pretty hectic as we were gearing up for an event and I didn’t have a chance to reply to this friend’s email for much longer than usual. My friend waited and after some weeks, made a casual call. I was thrilled to hear this friend. We casually spoke for some time about all things under the sun and I was mentioning what I was up to. And towards the end of the conversation, my friend casually mentioned something like, ‘good to know all is well with you. I didn’t hear back for so long I was wondering what happened.’ That’s when it occurred to me that I hadn’t replied. But the way this friend gently brought it to my awareness, without blaming me or persecuting me, or expecting me to say a sorry, just stood out so much. I hadn’t experienced such graciousness in this context before.

I never forgot that simple phone call. There were no dialogues like, “you are big people now. Why will you remember me? You are too busy for me. I am not important to you. Why did you not reply?” There was no sense of entitlement from the other end that I owed a response because my friend sent me an email. It was more like – “I enjoy your emails. And trust you are doing well. Just a casual call. Take your time. There’s no hurry”. It was such a pleasant reaction from my friend’s end and hence, such a pleasant memory for me even today. Even though we rarely talk today as both of us are engrossed in our own lives, I always cherish this particular friend of mine for being patient and gracious at all times. There weren’t any demands that I “had to” meet. And hence, I looked forward to meeting and always gave it my best. Because the equation was drama-free, stress-free. More understanding than expectations.

When we project too much of our fears as expectations in our relationships, there tends to be a lot of conflicts. We might appear overbearing and high maintenance – too much to handle sometimes. Relationships are not to fulfill our sense of vacuum that we feel within or to validate our existence. That is something only we can do for ourselves. If we expect others to validate our sense of self – it’s a lot and it’s never going to suffice. Relationships are a pleasure when we are so filled with love from within for ourselves and the world, that we naturally overflow with that capacity to love and understand others. We don’t try to dictate terms or run high voltage dramas with each other. We don’t overdo because we want them to feel our love. We do just what’s healthy!

That said, if we are having a relationship that is constantly upsetting, one part is to check what are we doing (or not doing/expecting) that’s creating that friction – the second thing is to understand what’s the other person’s style too. If there’s a repetitive pattern in someone that is getting to you – find ways to respectfully communicate the effect that you are having on yourself when you see that pattern. But not demand that they become something else. If there are enough understanding and rapport, people will be mindful of each other. If there isn’t, then you might just be placing your demands and the other might have their own reasons for not fulfilling them either.

And if you realize that it is a one-way relationship where you are the one who’s keeping the relationship going, take a call on whether this is the best use of your time and energies. Is it desperation to have someone or is it mutually healthy? Sometimes we have friends who are like one-way traffic. We can reach them only when they want us. Not necessarily the other way around. In that case, instead of fooling ourselves or forcing the relationship to continue, keep a safe distance. Relationships have to be win-win, otherwise, they aren’t balanced. They aren’t ecological. When I say win-win, it isn’t about materialistic win. But it is where both feel valued and invested in it. It takes two to tango. And the sooner we realize, the faster we’ll stop trying to keep dead things alive. When we try to desperately keep dead relationships alive for our own insecurities and our inability to build new meaningful ones, it makes us appear desperate and makes people go further away. So, not to be egoistic, but love yourself enough to understand when relationships stop being ecological. Maintain healthy relationships.

If someone has usually been kind, and they have an off day, rather than demanding them to be kind or getting disappointed with them for not being so, it is our turn to understand them and be kind. People are good to us not because we are entitled for their goodness. But because they chose to be so. We are not entitled for anything in this world. Whatever we get is a blessing. What goes is a blessing too. Don’t always expect the same thing from the same person. Times change, emotions change, we change too. And it is essential to evolve. Not a misery to be suffered.

What naturally comes to you is yours, what you effortfully get for yourself will just be an effort to maintain, for as long as it lasts! Wishing you fill your love buckets and have pleasantness within and around you! God bless!

What should you do when someone is talking to you (apart from listening)

Normal conversations, it’s easy of course. You listen, respond, share/exchange views. Today’s focus is going to be on those tricky conversations in case of a disagreement, conflict, or if someone is talking about their problems. What should we do when someone is talking…

First thing to understand is what’s their expectation. Mostly, if you know the person well enough, you will understand from their mood, body language, tone of voice and demeanour as to what is it they are looking for in this conversation. If you aren’t sure, ask them what is it that they would like from you in this conversation. Sometimes asking this question has an additional benefit. One, is you anyways get to know what they are expecting. Second, you bring it to their conscious attention as to what they are looking for. So, if they say, “I am open to listening”, you have their conscious buy-in to listen to you when you are speaking. Conscious resistance is reduced as a result of that response. Also, important thing to note, not everyone who talks of a problem is looking for a solution.

What do they want from you?

Do they want to listen or do they want to be listened to? 

Do they want to be acknowledged or do they want your opinion?

Do they want a confirmation that they are right? Or your feedback to get it right?

If something is really and extremely important and you do want to communicate it even if they are not open, there are 2 ways that we could explore – 

1. Acknowledge what they are saying and add (not disagree and add) – saying, “I understand what you are saying. I may have a different point of view. But if you feel this is what you want to do, then I understand that.” When the other person knows you aren’t hell bent on making your point, unconsciously they drop their resistance and may be more open to hearing your point of view. They mostly land up saying, “tell me what’s on your mind”. If they don’t say that despite this, then perhaps they really aren’t ready for another opinion right now and it is best to leave it to them. It isn’t going to help even if you tell them anyway. Might as well save the heart burns. 

2. You directly ask them, “I have another point of view and it would be really nice if you heard me out. End of it, whatever you decide is fine. But it is important that I say this now.” – This is if it is really critical that you have to say what you have to say.

Most of us treat every situation in life with great seriousness. That’s why we have friction and arguments over the most futile topics even. However, it is good to understand what is important versus what is critical – AND, what’s the worst that could happen if you let go this time. If the repercussions aren’t life threatening, see if you can let go of the ego and the point. It scores you an extra point on rapport there. 

If someone has made up their mind, anything that you say isn’t going to help. When people are convinced, understand their point of conviction thoroughly before trying to convince. And don’t try to convince. The more you try to convince, the more they’ll be convinced of their own. So, avoid convincing when someone is already convinced. State what you need to state with rapport so that if there’s a remote possibility, they might at least consider it. 

What’s the difference between loving and pampering?

It’s an important question to ask ourselves regularly if we are loving or pampering people in the name of love. As much as love is great, pampering has counter-productive efforts. Watch this video to know more about the difference between love and pampering and how you can play a better role with your loved ones:

4 important questions to ask yourself

Part I – Important questions to ask yourself

• What’s your biggest fear?
• What’s your most important need that drives you ?
• What makes you connect with people?
• What makes you disconnect from people?

Part II – Follow up questions to the above:

• What if your biggest fear came true – what will happen 6 months, 1 year, 5 years from then?
• What happens if that need is not met? What can you do about it for yourself?
• What do you do that shows that you value them? Do they see it and feel it too?
• What if you were forced to stay connected with them? What do you need to develop within yourself so that you can remain happy despite of how they are?

Before making your point, do this…

A golden tip if you want others to hear you out and understand what you are saying – 

In conversations, we usually tend to swing between agreeing and disagreeing. The point in between is the point that holds people together even when there is a difference in viewpoints. Actually, more so when there is a difference in point of view – it is important that we do this. Otherwise, it appears like you are disagreeing with the person and not their perspective or behavior. 

The word we are referring to now is “Acknowledging”. It’s the helpful mid-point between agreeing and disagreeing. First, acknowledge what the other person is saying – regardless of whether you agree with what they are saying or not – hear them out and acknowledge what you have heard. The minute you interrupt, dismiss, or ignore what they have said, you lose rapport with them. And if you don’t have rapport, rest assured, you’ll not have them listening or buying into what you have to say either. 

Let me illustrate with an example:

A mother is talking to her teenage daughter and insisting that she takes up a certain field of study for her undergraduate course. The daughter vehemently opposes. She tells her mother it is not something she likes at all. Both of them get into a heated argument. The mother is upset with the daughter because she feels her daughter doesn’t understand her. 

An alternative response – The daughter hears what the mother suggests. She thanks her for thinking about her and her future. She acknowledges how that may actually help her if she studies this course. And then gently tells her mother there’s something she’d like to talk to her about. She puts across her point of view as to why she’s looking at another kind of course and also covers her mother’s criteria of security for her future too. The mother hears her out patiently. 

What would’ve been an argument, turns out to be a healthy discussion! It’s not the end result, it is the means towards the end that matters. One is we forcefully make our way, the other is we gently make our way. Without burning bridges, without breaking rapport if we are able to express our point of view, 99% of the time people are willing to listen. There may be a 1% exception to this, like all rules. However, even there if you choose not to be rude, dismissive or impolite about it, the chances are, you may still have it your way without causing permanent damage to the relationship.

Another scenario – Imagine you have an irritated customer or friend who is unhappy with you or your product. And they are complaining loudly. If you refuse to let them finish, if you interrupt, or if you try convincing them that you aren’t at fault, you will only make the other person even more irritated. Instead, if you first hear them out, let them finish and acknowledge their emotion (even if their words are not something you agree with), acknowledge that they are upset, and ask them how can you help, it will help more. 

Firstly, their anger comes down to a great degree when they feel the other person is willing to listen and understand. When a person is upset, they aren’t running high on positive emotions. They run high on a fear of being taken for granted. That’s the biggest fear. The most effective way of dealing with that is by first acknowledging their feeling and creating a safe space. By arguing in that moment, we are creating a need in them to fight or defend. That’s not going to help. 

When we don’t acknowledge, the following happens:

• It triggers a fight or flight response in the other person. They either become defensive or shut down.
• In this mode, the range of positivity comes down and negative emotions take over. 
• The more we see this in another person, the more we tend to be influenced by it too. 
• By the end, there will be two angry, and fearful people, trying to safeguard their own interests since they feel the other person isn’t going to do that. 

And remember, this entire process is not conscious. It happens at an unconscious level. Hence, right at the very beginning, if you acknowledge the other person’s point of view before you put yours across, this kind of a negative engagement won’t happen. It will be more of a constructive conversation where two people are expressing their points of view without negating or trying to defeat the other. State your point. You don’t have to prove the other person wrong. When we don’t acknowledge, that’s what we end up doing. We forcefully try to say that they are incorrect and we disagree with them, not their point. A person is never wrong. From their vantage point, their view might make sense. It might not make sense to us from where we are. But that doesn’t make them wrong. 

Again, 99% of fights, quarrels, and arguments happen because we feel the other person is not willing to listen or understand what we are saying. The minute people feel you are ready to do that, there is no need for an argument. A great listener always acknowledges what they hear before they move further. Could you do that? Could you make people feel heard? They are going to remember you for all the right reasons throughout their lives if you could.