One thing that matters for sure to anyone

People are obsessing over being happy sometimes. Anything that you try too much, will slip out of your hands. When you treat other emotions as if they are a crime, you will never be at peace with yourself. And hence, happiness will be far far away.

Before you try to quieten an agitated mind, you must observe it without judgment. People are convinced of their problems. They feel sad. They don’t like the fact that they feel sad. Because they know they have to be happy. But they are unable to feel happy. So they get disappointed it themselves. And as a result, they lose the will to hang in there. And lose hope too. The worst that could happen is not sadness. The worst that could happen is you being convinced that you can never be happy.

The good news is, no human being can ever feel the same feeling in a sustained manner all through life. Feelings keep changing. So when you are sad, instead of questioning yourself as to why you are sad or why you are not happy, just observe that sadness (observe, not obsess, dwell or dissect it). Don’t identify with it. Observe the feeling and leave it at that. If you don’t do anything, that feeling will start fading away eventually. But the more you try to forcefully change that feeling, the more a part of you will want to resist. And hence you’ll find more reasons to hold on to the sad feeling. The sad feeling would have lost its intensity if acknowledged and left by itself. But with all the forceful tampering it gains more intensity and looks like it’s threatening your existence.

There is no rule to be happy. There is just ample room to be happy whenever you want to be. You may not want to be so right now. That’s ok. Let it be for now. Your mind will naturally find its way back to happiness when given the space and time to explore.

It’s like death – we can’t force someone to not cry as soon as it happens. Or a wound – the immediate pain will sometimes result in tears. Instead of saying don’t cry – just let them be and be there for them. They will find their way back faster when there’s no one repeatedly telling them they shouldn’t feel sad.

And stop telling yourself too that you are doing a crime by not being happy this moment.

Someone who isn’t able to sleep, the more you try to force yourself to sleep, the more sleep evades you. And that’s what frustrates you. Instead, challenge yourself to stay awake the entire night, unconsciously you will fall asleep. Once there’s no resistance, your body will naturally find ways to heal itself. Don’t resist! Just be whatever is naturally coming to you. Be open to learning from everything – and you’ll find your way out. This is the key! Don’t pity yourself. Don’t think you don’t deserve this or you deserve better. Self-obsession creates more reasons to be miserable. If you are open to learning from everything that happens, you’ll at least have one, if not more reasons to be proud of yourself – that is – your capacity to connect the dots, look at the big picture, and learn. This is a gift that you can give yourself any day.

How to prevent rules from ruining your relationships – Part 2

Aug24

Picking up from where we left in the last blog, rules can threaten the very essence of relationships and peace. However, that isn’t because the rules are bad. It is how we pursue that makes anything good or bad. Hence, we don’t need to drop all rules. But we need to learn how to not have rules at the cost of relationships. Below are a few tips for the same:

1. When faced with resistance, seek to understand the reason for it. Don’t insist or try to force a rule without understanding why is there a resistance. When you insist too much, you spark off a rebellion.

2. If a situation is too intense, give some time to diffuse the tension before you pick up a discussion. Don’t strike when it is hot. Maintain rapport!

3. Rules were created to see your loved ones happy. If they aren’t doing that, then you need to either re-look at the rules or the way you are going about them. For example, I can encourage my father to go for a walk. But not insist! If I become a nuisance asking someone to either walk, eat, sleep, drink water, or engage in any healthy behaviour, then I am responsible for creating an unhealthy atmosphere in the first place. Even healthy behavior practiced in an unhealthy environment leads to unhealthy results in reality. So, what’s the point? One might prefer a shorter but happier life, rather than a longer but miserable one. We shouldn’t make anyone’s life miserable with our rules.

4. Have rules with a room for the individual to grow, exist, and speak their mind freely, without fear.

Your rules shouldn’t be a reason for someone to avoid you. Your rules shouldn’t be a reason why people would want you to go out of the house or for them to stay out of the house. Your rules shouldn’t make people feel like a slave with no choice. Intentions may be right. But our actions shouldn’t create heartache for others. Then even the right things done for the right reasons may land up having the wrong effects. So, keep the mind healthy and the heart happy before you set out to make the body a project. Rules shouldn’t take away the joy of living.

And for that, we need to learn how to set/uphold rules with Reason, Rapport, and Respect. The 3 R’s to ensure rules work!

Nothing should affect the dignity of a person. Reject behavior, without rejecting the person.
Express displeasure without melodrama or abuse.
State the importance and relevance of following a particular rule.
Steer clear of comparisons. Each person and each situation is unique. So, understand and educate accordingly.
Don’t try to fix people. No one needs fixing more than our own selves. If we can’t handle ourselves when others behave a particular way, then it is important we learn how to handle ourselves first.
And lastly, keep the ego at bay. Be mindful! Avoid getting into a wild rage and creating a rampage.

Reduce the number of rules by trusting that every individual is blessed with a brain that can think. Let people make their own mistakes and learn. Facilitate the process of learning. Don’t dictate it. When you rule, you make them resistant. When you trust, you make them responsible. Empower people to make better choices by creating awareness and letting them make their own choices. Guide them without directing them. And be a compelling example without forcing or expecting them to follow. If you can be a happy example of good habits – WHO WOULDN’T WANT TO FOLLOW?

How to prevent rules from ruining your relationships – Part 1

Aug22

Without rules, we’d perhaps live in a world that is filled with chaos. Rules are important. It is important to understand that my freedom ends where your nose begins. Since this isn’t very easily accepted, we have rules in place to help all of us co-exist in this world. However, there is some such thing as too many rules. There are caveats when we think of using rules in our homes and in relationships. Let’s explore what they are.

In relationships, rules shouldn’t be used to exercise power or authority over people. Rules can be used to create a common ground for understanding and to facilitate co-existence without causing mutual harm. Usually, rules are created with the same purpose in mind. But we don’t realize when we lose sight of the purpose and start pursuing them as if it is our dictatorial regime. Predominantly, this happens when the ego steps into the game. Then it becomes my rules versus you! Or, against you!

Often between a parent and a young child, or an adult and their parent, or a dominant spouse, rules leave little or no breathing space. Mind you, they are all with the right intentions. However, actions may be quite out of the line. It causes fear, feeling of rejection, helplessness, loss of freedom, and bitterness in the relationship, to name a few.

Too many rules take away the freedom – and with that the will!

So, how would you ascertain whether your rules are enabling and empowering or disabling and stifling? Here’s a checklist to consider…

What happens if the rules are broken? How badly you react shows how ineffective or distasteful the process is.
Instead of educating, if you are dictating, then the purpose is defeated. You will get compliance only so long as you are insisting. If you go out of the frame, the scene might look entirely different for the others in the game.
How do people perceive you with regard to your rules? Do they see you as someone who is understanding and upholding everyone’s respect and space or do they see you as a direct descendant of Hitler and find it difficult to deal with you?
How much do you have to insist on compliance? Do they readily happen or do you literally have to remind them every single time?
Are most of the conversations centered around rules being followed and not followed? (More instructions?) Or, do you tend to have congenial conversations? Dialogues where both parties exchange pleasant conversations about life above and beyond reminding each other of rules.
Most importantly, how do you feel? Do you feel like Hercules carrying the entire burden of the house? Or, are you relaxed and stress-free as you go about your day?

Rules are necessary and important to bring order to the house. But they are not above individuals. Rules are for humans. Humans aren’t meant to be ruled. If you remember this much of a distinction before you insist on adherence, you’d do really well for yourself and others too. If rules are affecting an individual’s sense of existence and their sense of self is being threatened, or if their acceptance is based on whether they follow the rules or not, that definitely isn’t a great strategy. It is bad enough that we use fear in every other sphere of life. To live at our own homes too with the same sense of fear is a questionable choice. What do you think?

In Part-2 of this blog, we’ll explore more about how to have rules that are ecological and win-win. And how to overcome resistance and gain acceptance. So, stay tuned. 🙂 And thank you for stopping by!

This is how you can have your missing love story

Aug8

Some of us have had this dream love story and the happy continuation of it. While some of us might feel we missed that beautiful love story that we had often hoped for. For any of us who feel we missed out on that beautiful, heart-fulfilling love story, here’s how you can have it. It’s never too late.

Any love story will have its phase of being over the moon and then it becomes BAU (business as usual) – the initial excitement and thrill aren’t going to be there later. Or at least not in the same way. Things evolve. However, this particular love story that we are going to talk about is always going to keep things exciting for you. This one-story can shape every other story for the better.

The love story we are going to be talking about – is the one with the most important person – and that is You. You are going to live a lifetime with yourself – might as well learn how to be in love with yourself, while you are at it, right?

Surprise yourself – by doing things you’d never imagine you’d do. The only way to keep the spark alive in any love story is if you have your share of surprise elements and notable moments to count. And you can definitely do that for yourself. Don’t get so caught up in the mundane that you miss experiencing life in its fullest form. Explore some unknown aspects with curiosity and openness. You never know what’s on the other side unless you try. It could be trying a simple dance step that you never thought you could do, or going on a joy ride, or simply jumping in muddy puddles. Things that you never thought you’d do, do it.
Be there for yourself at all times – there is no excuse for not being there for yourself. If you want to work on yourself, work, but be there for yourself. Others can judge you. But if you judge yourself, then how can anyone else accept you? Don’t make others judgments, momentary setbacks, lapses in judgments, etc be a reason for you to abandon yourself. Always be there for yourself and help yourself rectify things for the better rather than regret and spend the rest of your life in guilt. There’s something that you can do about everything always.
Don’t be there for someone by leaving yourself behind. That’s what you’d expect from someone you love too. You want them to help others but not at the cost of their own self. Likewise, for yourself. Be there for others. But take care of yourself first. Don’t harm yourself trying to fulfill someone else’s desires.
Be honest with yourself. Don’t bullshit your way through life with all the dramas. Be open and offer feedback to yourself in a way that calls a spade a spade without killing. Offer feedback while also offering the assurance that you’ve got your back. And no matter what, never forsake yourself.
Celebrate your success and the small achievements too. Just as you would for others. When you celebrate, life becomes a celebration. It gives you the motivation to go further happily. Not desperately.
Do something for yourself every now and then – could be a favorite meal, could be buying something you like, could be a holiday, could be a drive, could be a song, could be just chilling. Figure out what makes you happy – and do it!
Take good care of yourself – eat, sleep, exercise – you inhabit your body – no one else can care for it the way you do. Care for the inner child in you.
Always, always, always trust. And never doubt. Just like how you’d expect in your ideal love story. If you doubt yourself, that’s a very bad love story. If you can’t trust yourself, no one else probably can. Trust is the biggest gift you can give – and the best part is you can’t take yourself for granted or cheat yourself without your permission. No stakes at all. So trust yourself. Your mind, body, and soul will work twice as hard to live up to your trust – just because you trust. If you don’t, they’ll all lag behind.
Spend some time with yourself regularly. Doesn’t matter if it is hours or minutes – but whatever it is – just connect with your inner self and recognize how beautiful you are a creation!
And lastly, be grateful to the creator/universe for creating you. Imagine how lonely life would be if you weren’t there for yourself. So, be grateful that God created you to be there for yourself. You are the best gift to yourself! Be extremely grateful for having you.

When you are thus brimming with love, you will naturally flow into being a very loving and understanding individual not just towards yourself, but to others too. And when you are this way, you will be like a positive magnet attracting only the best towards you. Don’t look for love outside while feeling insufficient within yourself. Having a spouse, a child, or someone to take care of, won’t add meaning to your life unless you already find meaning within yourself. Don’t be incomplete and look for someone else to complete you. Your feeling of being incomplete will only increase and spread to others too. Feel complete within yourself and then see the magic. The nature of your relationships will be beautiful – as beautiful as you!

If achievements were to determine happiness, the most accomplished souls are still not happy. If money meant happiness, the wealthiest are still not happy. Neither are talented nor are successful. Don’t postpone your happiness and your self-worth by thinking you aren’t doing what the rest of the world is doing. It has nothing to do with all that. Your self-worth depends on your inner love story – and that’s entirely in your hands!

Why you shouldn’t suffer in silence

Jul15

It’s important to not always suffer in silence because you’ll be setting the wrong expectation.

Either make better choices and don’t suffer. Or communicate your pain to the concerned so they know it isn’t something that is going down well with you. When you suffer in silence, you are giving others permission to take you for a doormat ride. People will not change if the environment allows them to continue what they are doing. And you are one in that environment who is unconsciously giving them permission to continue being what they are being. If they are random strangers, what they say and do might not even bother you so much. But if it is someone close, it is important to let them know how you feel about it. Else they will never know.

Imagine I keep abusing someone. They are silent. They love me so they simply listen to everything in silence. They don’t give it back because they see that I love them. They understand that my intention is love, hence they don’t correct my action. They keep apologising even if it is not their fault. They take the blame and suffer in silence. Now the more they do that, the more I will be led to believe I am right. The minute I believe I am right, I will not change. I will continue bulldozing my way. Because they are also not having a problem with it (or at least not communicating it). It may be breaking them from within. It may be affecting them. But I can’t see, since, on the outside, I see their acceptance and apology. That’s a tragic way to continue a relationship.

Instead, if you communicate that it is affecting you, or that you don’t appreciate it – it will make the other person think and pause. Nothing can persist without your permission. People will do anything if there are no repercussions. Even the most foul-tempered person behaves well with someone – either due to fear or due to respect. If they can get away with it, they’ll continue. If they can’t, then they’ll think of changing.

Respect yourself. Never make it a habit to bend backward to accommodate anyone. You make it a bad habit for them. They begin to feel a sense of entitlement more than gratitude – if you always do it. Find a balance. Enable others to learn to balance as well. A relationship that survives only based on your efforts may not be a healthy relationship after all. Both have to be invested in making things work. And it will all happen only if you stop taking all the garbage upon yourself. The sufferer is as responsible as the person inflicting it. It is your responsibility to make better choices and have better responses. Only then will life and relationships turn out to be more beautiful and meaningful.

Even if it isn’t affecting you personally, it is important to educate your loved ones on what behaviour is acceptable and what is not. If you don’t educate, they’ll have to learn it the harsh way because not everyone is going to be as kind and understanding as you are.

At times, people may be doing it unknowingly too. They might not even be aware that their actions are causing pain to someone. It could just be their blind spot. And you keep suffering while they don’t even know what pain it’s causing you. One of the blunders we make is expecting others to understand without us saying a word. Sometimes it is possible. Sometimes it isn’t. Your view is clear only from where you stand. Not from where they stand. Hence, it is left up to you too, to make yourself understood or make it easy for others to understand you.

How to distinguish between love and obsession

Jul12

Love is when you find your happiness in theirs

Obsession is when you want them to find their happiness in yours.

Love is when you attract

Obsession is when you scare them away

Love is freedom with faith

Obsession is possessiveness with fear

Love is beyond right and wrong

Obsession is proving right and wrong

Love is a healthy engagement

Obsession is an unhealthy preoccupation

Love learns and stays resourceful

Obsession feels stuck and resentful

Love adds meaning to life

Obsession defeats sense in life

Love knows to let go when the apple is rotten

Obsession holds on thinking the apple will un-rot itself

Love is a true paradise

Obsession is a fool’s paradise

Love is a joyful surrender

Obsession feels like futile sacrifice

Love makes you better

Obsession makes you bitter

Love is when you can let go

Obsession is when you cling on

When there are so many humans,

If you fret over just one

That’s what is called obsession!

Obsession is a poison

That neither helps you nor the other one.

Get real, get loving and get loved.

When you understand that the other person doesn’t need your love,

Don’t challenge their integrity and doubt yourself

Do yourself a favour and graciously move on.

Even medicine given at the wrong time can cause damage.

Love is no exception. Don’t try to force love down their throat.

That then becomes an obsession.

You can genuinely love others only when you truly love yourself.

When you truly love,

You don’t fear rejection because you know you have your acceptance already.

We have begun to call all our monkey business and obsessions as love. Love has lost its value hence. We have abused love to such a degree that we can’t recognise true love even if it was standing in front of us. We love so that we can feel validated. We love so that we can feel complete. We love so that something can fill our internal void. And if the love fails to do that, we attack the person and defend our love.

True love can offer pain without suffering.

That pain helps you grow in maturity and understanding.

If you are unable to go through pain without calling it a torture or a suffering,

then rest assured, what you have isn’t love. You are just obsessing.

Love went out of the window long back. It’s your fear that makes you hold on to someone. The fear that you may not find another one. The fear that you may not love or be loved again. What comes from fear is foolishness. Not love. Unless you realise, you can’t break free. There’s no easier way to say this. Stop forcing yourself to think that your life is incomplete without someone. Give your life a better meaning. Stop dwelling on yourself. Look out there at the world, and see what can you offer so that you add meaning to your life. And help others find theirs too.

Love is never limiting. Love is always liberating.

The one who cannot love oneself is obsessed about loving someone.

And that obsession is so scary that it drives away the one!

A disease is a disease. We can’t call it love.

The sooner you make peace with it, the faster you rise above.

When we find it difficult to live with ourselves, when we find it difficult to love ourselves, how can we expect that from someone else? Before you seek external love, seek internal strength to love and accept yourself. Once you do that, love will naturally flow in abundance in your life.

No one has ever cheated us. We have been cheating ourselves by seeing things the way we want rather than seeing things the way they are. Who can be blamed now for the sorrow, that we willingly bought over ourselves?

Do you know who you are becoming?

Jul10

Whether you want it or not, whether you like it not, you are turning into that person whom you have a lot of emotions for – doesn’t matter whether it is love or hate. The more intense the emotion, the more likely you are becoming that person unconsciously.

Ironically, for a lot of humans, negative emotions are held much stronger than positive emotions. For example, dislike for someone might be much more intense than love for someone. In which case, we might time out to become the one whom we dislike more than the one whom we like or idolize – if our negative emotions are stronger and more intense that is.

Similarly, what or who do you talk about most often. People who inspire you or people who irritate you? Incidents that make you better or things that annoy you.

What do you think of most often?

Your misfortunes or your blessings?
The strengths that helped you survive or what you don’t like in yourself?
Your mistakes or your learnings.
About your problems or finding solutions?

Whatever you do more of, is what you’ll be more of, find more of. Your present is determining your future. Not your past. The choices that you are making in the present, in terms of what you are paying attention to, what you are thinking about, and what you most often talk about is shaping who you are becoming. Watch out! And pay attention to what you are paying attention to!

When you are thinner

Jul7

When you are thinner,

you won’t be happier.

You will only be thinner.

Don’t mix things up!

You may be a showpiece.

You may be able to show off!

But you may not necessarily be happy.

Don’t try to get thin to be happy

Be happy to get thin!

You can make the choice to be happy now!

You can learn to live with yourself with love!

Work on yourself without hating who you are.

When you hate who you are, you won’t have the confidence to work on yourself.

If you can understand what you are, you’ll know how to become what you wish to be.

The essence of you is always beautiful. That is who you are.

The ‘what’ keeps changing from time to time.

Anger is what you have – not who you are!

Fat is what you have – not who you are!

Procrastination is what you are doing – not who you are!

Don’t identify yourself with all the things you don’t wish to be.

Observe them as behaviours that need changing.

And remember that you are beautiful- that’s who you innately are!

The creator has never created bad products!

It's All About Us!

Simple complexities…

Archives