What to do when someone is refusing to learn their lesson

Are you well-fed or hungry? – Master Yourself

A must-listen for a very important ingredient for growth in life.

1. Are you well-fed or hungry? 06:13
2. An inspiring story of hope in the corporates 05:53
3. When life's not fair 04:39
4. What to do when someone is refusing to learn… 06:54
5. Knowledge is not power unless you have this 07:49

Your thirst for knowledge may not be of much use

Knowledge is not power unless we have this other thing :

Listen to the most recent episode of my podcast: Knowledge is not power unless you have this https://anchor.fm/narmadarao/episodes/Knowledge-is-not-power-unless-you-have-this-e12tbe1

Privacy Vs Secrecy – How to draw a healthy line

In a recent program, I was asked an interesting question on the distinction between privacy and secrecy in relationships and how to draw the line. How open should we be?

Firstly, in order for us to build rapport, we need to know each other. Although it’s not the only thing, it is one of the things. Rapport is a climate of trust and understanding. If we are being too secretive, then there isn’t an element of trust but an element of doubt or a fear of being hurt. When that takes over, then trust is obviously out of the window. 

Secondly, if there’s a story that’s not worth talking about, then it’s perhaps not worth remembering either. If it is worth remembering, then perhaps it’s worth giving those people the context who are impacted by our behavior as a result of this incident. Without context, we might just appear as a bunch of uptight individuals for no apparent reason. It is one thing to expect others to understand us without us saying a thing. But the question to ask ourselves is what are we doing on our part to help people understand us better. After all, it isn’t all others’ responsibility to understand us. It is our responsibility to help people understand us too. 

Everyone doesn’t need to know everything. But if it’s impacting them, then it is important that we provide them a context as context gives more meaning. Too much secrecy in close relationships come across as hiding – and hiding does not beget trust. Trust is of paramount importance in relationships. Privacy is where you keep to yourself, not because of shame, fear, or guilt. But just for some healthy boundaries which don’t concern or discomfort the other. It is something that the other person wouldn’t feel hurt, cheated, or betrayed if they get to know of it later, or from someone else.

The key is to not demand to be told, and not dominate to keep a secret. Don’t be too demanding, needy, or nosy in knowing the details of other person’s stories. Be gracious and listen to what the other person wants to say rather than insisting on listening to something that they haven’t shared. And on your part, don’t wait to a point of discomfort where the other person has to ask you for context. Be understanding in providing the context wherever necessary so that they can support you better. Ultimately people don’t hurt us because of knowing our past. People hurt us because we are open to being hurt or shamed by our past. 

All said and done, we can’t expect people to treat us with special care just because of a past story that’s already over. If each of us carries hurt from past wounds, hospitals will run out of beds and people will run out of patience. And there’s no life that has no troubles. They help us learn to be better individuals. We can’t expect others to be better while we behave at our worst because of a story from the past. A hero, and a villain, both have a past – but it is the choices they make in the present that makes the differentiating factor between them. When you romanticize your past troubles, you miss out on enjoying your present pleasures. 

Should you search for yourself?

We have access to more than what we need today. And yet we feel incomplete. We have a lot but yet, the heart searches for something. Many are in search of something, some are in search of finding out themselves, who they are! It’s a great question. Ramana Maharshi, a great Indian philosopher, and saint also said, the most important question to ask ourselves is, “Who am I?” Constantly discovering ourselves and avoiding getting too attached to any of the labels, judgments, roles, or identities that we don in life. I think it’s a powerful search. 

In the process of this search, how are you being is worth considering perhaps? If one is irritable, impatient, judgmental about the rest, this search might take a mighty long time. And it might create a lot of chaos for self and others. Are we being grateful for whatever we already have in the pursuit of what we want to find? If not, we may be completely missing the point. Without gratitude, we not only miss understanding how beautiful this life is and misunderstand people but also go further away from finding anything meaningful or worth finding. 

To find abundance, one needs to be tuned to abundance, and believe in abundance. Likewise, to find anything, you gotta appreciate and believe in it. Our subconscious mind is more powerful than anything else. It will help you find only what you believe in. If you believe in miracles, it’ll help you locate more miracles. If you believe in the devil, it will help you find more of it. If you are fearful of what you may find, if you are resistant to opening up to the truth, you might just find more masks to shy away from it. 

If you are too particular and have too many criteria on how you want to find what you want to find, then there’s an implication: 

• If you are already sure of what it is
• If you are unable to appreciate other lives and others’ efforts around you
• If you see people as a hindrance to your search
• If you feel you need something else other than what you have

You are complicating the entire process.

For a seeker who is keen, every situation, every interaction, and every person is seen as an opportunity to further their search. They are open, kind, and considerate. 

A dismissive mindset unfortunately dismisses the very thing that you are searching for from right under your nose. 

In a quest to find something that you don’t understand, know, or have, don’t be dismissive of all the people, and blessings that you already have. It might just be a regret later. All of life is designed to help us find what we need. So, we can’t wish for all of it to go away.

May you find what you are searching for, and may you cherish what you already have. 

You are here because you chose to be!

This is one of the most powerful sentences! I am sure many of you would have read this sentence or something on similar lines before. When I read it, it was like as if my entire life just paused for a minute and I floated above it to see – that I am here because I chose to be. So, everything that is happening, that has happened, and that will happen is for me. Exclusively for me! And there’s nothing good or bad. There’s just intense, less intense, or highly intense moments that each offer me something valuable. When I call it good and bad, I may be discriminating and hence, willing to learn, observe and gain from it. When I just see it, I notice the intensity of something, without calling it this or that, and I remind myself – I am here because I chose to be and this is all a part of the grand plan -the silver lining becomes more predominant than the temporary cloud. 

None of us are here by accident! None of us are here by error!  There’s no point thinking what if it happened some other way. It happened this way to enable me to fulfil what I am here for. If you feel you are forced to go to a party you might not enjoy. In fact, you might find a lot of things very annoying. But if it is your party, the one that you have chosen, planned, designed and looked forward to so much – you’ll have gratitude that the party is happening, and you’ll make the most of it – whichever way. And for once, you won’t think of who created this party, why did they have you here, what good could possibly come of it, why can’t you just leave etc. You won’t find the necessity to persecute or victimise. You simply get busy in your party with gratitude – constantly doing what you need to do, reminding yourself that you are the host and everyone else are guests. You take care of yourself, the party and other things. Your constant focus will be on what best you can do to add to the party spirit, being the organizer. In your own party, that you chose, you are too occupied getting it together to be focused on feeling anything else that is less desirable. If there’s a power failure, you light up the place with candles. If there are no candles, you create a game to give light in that darkness. If you lose the game, you laugh and try again, or try something else.  

At the end of it, you will be happy with yourself for choosing to be here and giving it all you’ve got. Your efforts count. You know that you put in your heart and soul to it. There are no further measures to define or defy yourself as success or otherwise. You made the choice to be here, and you showed up. Claps for that!!

If you have anyways chosen to be here, why not be in full shape and form? Why play on back foot? Might as well go on front foot, and hit the ball out of the park. You’ll be happy for not just showing up, but showing up with great sense of energy and enthusiasm! You aren’t at anyone’s mercy! You are here because you chose to be! May you trust and make way for the universal energy to be with you all the way!

How to prevent rules from ruining your relationships – Part 2

Picking up from where we left in the last blog, rules can threaten the very essence of relationships and peace. However, that isn’t because the rules are bad. It is how we pursue that makes anything good or bad. Hence, we don’t need to drop all rules. But we need to learn how to not have rules at the cost of relationships. Below are a few tips for the same:

1. When faced with resistance, seek to understand the reason for it. Don’t insist or try to force a rule without understanding why is there a resistance. When you insist too much, you spark off a rebellion.

2. If a situation is too intense, give some time to diffuse the tension before you pick up a discussion. Don’t strike when it is hot. Maintain rapport!

3. Rules were created to see your loved ones happy. If they aren’t doing that, then you need to either re-look at the rules or the way you are going about them. For example, I can encourage my father to go for a walk. But not insist! If I become a nuisance asking someone to either walk, eat, sleep, drink water, or engage in any healthy behaviour, then I am responsible for creating an unhealthy atmosphere in the first place. Even healthy behavior practiced in an unhealthy environment leads to unhealthy results in reality. So, what’s the point? One might prefer a shorter but happier life, rather than a longer but miserable one. We shouldn’t make anyone’s life miserable with our rules.

4. Have rules with a room for the individual to grow, exist, and speak their mind freely, without fear.

Your rules shouldn’t be a reason for someone to avoid you. Your rules shouldn’t be a reason why people would want you to go out of the house or for them to stay out of the house. Your rules shouldn’t make people feel like a slave with no choice. Intentions may be right. But our actions shouldn’t create heartache for others. Then even the right things done for the right reasons may land up having the wrong effects. So, keep the mind healthy and the heart happy before you set out to make the body a project. Rules shouldn’t take away the joy of living.

And for that, we need to learn how to set/uphold rules with Reason, Rapport, and Respect. The 3 R’s to ensure rules work!

• Nothing should affect the dignity of a person. Reject behavior, without rejecting the person.
• Express displeasure without melodrama or abuse.
• State the importance and relevance of following a particular rule.
• Steer clear of comparisons. Each person and each situation is unique. So, understand and educate accordingly.
• Don’t try to fix people. No one needs fixing more than our own selves. If we can’t handle ourselves when others behave a particular way, then it is important we learn how to handle ourselves first.
• And lastly, keep the ego at bay. Be mindful! Avoid getting into a wild rage and creating a rampage.

Reduce the number of rules by trusting that every individual is blessed with a brain that can think. Let people make their own mistakes and learn. Facilitate the process of learning. Don’t dictate it. When you rule, you make them resistant. When you trust, you make them responsible. Empower people to make better choices by creating awareness and letting them make their own choices. Guide them without directing them. And be a compelling example without forcing or expecting them to follow. If you can be a happy example of good habits – WHO WOULDN’T WANT TO FOLLOW?

How to prevent rules from ruining your relationships – Part 1

Without rules, we’d perhaps live in a world that is filled with chaos. Rules are important. It is important to understand that my freedom ends where your nose begins. Since this isn’t very easily accepted, we have rules in place to help all of us co-exist in this world. However, there is some such thing as too many rules. There are caveats when we think of using rules in our homes and in relationships. Let’s explore what they are.

In relationships, rules shouldn’t be used to exercise power or authority over people. Rules can be used to create a common ground for understanding and to facilitate co-existence without causing mutual harm. Usually, rules are created with the same purpose in mind. But we don’t realize when we lose sight of the purpose and start pursuing them as if it is our dictatorial regime. Predominantly, this happens when the ego steps into the game. Then it becomes my rules versus you! Or, against you!

Often between a parent and a young child, or an adult and their parent, or a dominant spouse, rules leave little or no breathing space. Mind you, they are all with the right intentions. However, actions may be quite out of the line. It causes fear, feeling of rejection, helplessness, loss of freedom, and bitterness in the relationship, to name a few. 

Too many rules take away the freedom – and with that the will!

So, how would you ascertain whether your rules are enabling and empowering or disabling and stifling? Here’s a checklist to consider…

1. What happens if the rules are broken? How badly you react shows how ineffective or distasteful the process is. 
2. Instead of educating, if you are dictating, then the purpose is defeated. You will get compliance only so long as you are insisting. If you go out of the frame, the scene might look entirely different for the others in the game. 
3. How do people perceive you with regard to your rules? Do they see you as someone who is understanding and upholding everyone’s respect and space or do they see you as a direct descendant of Hitler and find it difficult to deal with you?
4. How much do you have to insist on compliance? Do they readily happen or do you literally have to remind them every single time?
5. Are most of the conversations centered around rules being followed and not followed? (More instructions?) Or, do you tend to have congenial conversations? Dialogues where both parties exchange pleasant conversations about life above and beyond reminding each other of rules. 
6. Most importantly, how do you feel? Do you feel like Hercules carrying the entire burden of the house? Or, are you relaxed and stress-free as you go about your day? 

Rules are necessary and important to bring order to the house. But they are not above individuals. Rules are for humans. Humans aren’t meant to be ruled. If you remember this much of a distinction before you insist on adherence, you’d do really well for yourself and others too. If rules are affecting an individual’s sense of existence and their sense of self is being threatened, or if their acceptance is based on whether they follow the rules or not, that definitely isn’t a great strategy. It is bad enough that we use fear in every other sphere of life. To live at our own homes too with the same sense of fear is a questionable choice. What do you think?

In Part-2 of this blog, we’ll explore more about how to have rules that are ecological and win-win. And how to overcome resistance and gain acceptance. So, stay tuned. 🙂 And thank you for stopping by!

What to expect in relationships

Firstly, what are you expecting? And what will happen if your expectations aren’t met?

• If we expect to be loved, that’s one thing (This may happen, not because you want it. But if they find it fitting in with the rest of their life story – like how you found them fitting in with yours. We can’t force this to happen). 
• If we expect ourselves to be the only person to be loved the most by them – that’s another thing (That’s more like territorial rights. To own and to be owned is more suited for properties like cars and houses, not humans). 
• If we expect them to change themselves, that’s a whole other thing. (Expecting people to be better versions of themselves, else we get upset. So, for the one mistake of loving us, they have to meet our demands for being accepted without any unpleasantness).

Starting with a generalised statement – as humans, we all expect. In relationships, more so. Be it a friend, spouse, parent, child, partner etc. It appears as if we get into relationships just to fulfil our expectations. Mostly, things start off on a rosy note where at least one of the parties is more than willing to oblige at the other’s behest. But if those expectations rise too much and get demanding, that willingness reduces. There is an amount of resistance that seeps in. There is a recognition of the need for freedom. And hence, friction.

Of course, our intentions are always good. But love isn’t only about intentions – it is about our actions and the effect that they have on others. Intentions don’t get us food on the table. Actions do. Likewise, in love, just having the right intentions may not suffice unless we learn to be balanced in our actions, words, and expectations. We expect people to change for the better only because it will do them a lot of good. But what if they don’t? Are we upset, angry, irritated? If so, then perhaps we need to change first!

I have had the pleasure and privilege of knowing a few people in close quarters who convey their expectations with such an air of pleasantness that one would be more than willing to cooperate. The things that make the difference are:

1. They don’t harp on it. They don’t build a nest in your ears until you fulfil it. They don’t take it as an excuse to be angry or irritated. They take time to educate so that you make better choices.
2. They gently create a compelling case for change by firstly, being a gracious example of it – and secondly, stating how beautiful your life would be if you considered it. They don’t tell you that you are going to be a failure or your life is going to be miserable if you don’t change.
3. Thirdly, they don’t state it as a need for acceptance. Meaning – they aren’t placing conditions to accept you based on whether or not you fulfil their expectations. They love you regardless. And they are happy nonetheless.
4. They see your strengths and goodness beyond their expectations. They aren’t blinded by what they expect in a way that they can’t see you beyond an expectation-fulfilling machine! They recognise your uniqueness, your gifts, and your priorities at all times.
5. They don’t do dramas and hold you responsible for their misery at any point. They put themselves out of the equation. They want you to change for your sake. Not for theirs. And hence, they aren’t driven by an agenda to make you into something you don’t wish to be. They are respectful of your space.

As you read all this, if you are first thinking of those people around you who aren’t like this and they need to change – wait! That’s not the point. First, ask yourself, are you like this? If you aren’t what skills do you need to develop within yourself so that you can be this first? If you are feeling bad that others aren’t like this – then it is true of you too. Can you carry your own sunshine? If you are expecting some other sun to come and light up your life, it is such a high risk. You should know that it may happen, it may not – depending on the mood of the sun and the arrangement of other planets. However, if you can carry your own sunshine, you won’t have baseless reasons to be upset. You are going to find a happy state.

If you got into a relationship that is diametrically opposite of what you ever wanted – then instead of expecting the other to change, its time to look into the choices made and the learnings thereof. Take responsibility for whatever you can and be ready to do what it takes to help yourself without holding the other responsible for your misery or for your life.

Whatever you do, don’t have a sense of entitlement! No one in this world owes us anything! Ever! If they do something good for us still, it’s their magnanimity. If they don’t, that’s fine! No one was born to take care of us and our needs. Everyone was born because they have their own journey to travel and their own learnings to take care of. In between all this, if they are there for us, that’s great! If they aren’t, life is teaching us to mind our own business then. Life is teaching us to be more capable of handling ourselves.

Expectations are not a cause for misery. But constantly expecting our expectations to be met by others is! We are not entitled to be loved. We are blessed to be loved. We are not entitled to anything. Never feel that you deserve better – that sense of entitlement leads to bitterness. You may have given your 200% or your life to someone or something – but that’s because you wanted to, for whatever reasons best known to you – either because you loved, or because you expected something in return! But because you gave your 200%, you can’t expect others to reciprocate in the same way. Be grateful if they do. But not bitter if they don’t. Just like how we don’t give our 100% to everything every time, them too! Our priorities and values are not the same as others. That doesn’t mean they are mean or bad. That just means they have different priorities. I can’t make them demons just because I wanted to play God! I can’t make them look bad just because I want to mask my insufficiencies and make myself look good.

Trust that life is always handing you whatever you need to advance on your journey of self-discovery and spiritual growth. Be grateful when the sun shines while being aware that you aren’t entitled to it shining on you always. And if you liked it while it rained, you should be ready for the slush afterwards. Slush is not bad. It also dries up in due course. It’s all a part of the same beautiful earth. Reminisce the good times together. But don’t harp on it to be the same forever. If you aren’t ready to embrace change, you may not be fully ready for relationships yet. It’s good to be reasonable in what we expect – not just for others, but for our own mental sanity too.

How to deal with people who do not accept when you change

Sometimes, even after you changed for the better, people will try to remind you about your past and will hold on to their image of you from the past. They find it difficult to let go of it and identify you with your new changes. That’s because they find comfort in representing you that way in their life. They have you represented as something, and themselves as something in relation to you. Now because you changed, they can’t simply change their impression because it involves changing the entire equation itself – which means – changing themselves too. Because in your old ways, they would’ve interacted or responded to you in a certain way. Now that you have changed, they have to change not just their mental map of you, but also their way of responding to you and representing you. That’s a lot of work on their end – and unless they are truly willing and flexible to make the shifts, it just feels more convenient for the moment to hold on to the old belief about you. 

What usually happens in this case, is that some people who change, feel there’s no point in them changing since some key people in their life are not recognising their change. So they go back to their old ways. Thus, proving the other person true – that their change was not for real, it was only momentary. 

However, that’s the place where if you can find your own conviction for changing and keep reassuring yourself that you are on the right path, it will greatly help. People will eventually change their perspective of you – they need time to make that shift – because it is externally driven initially. You changed because you wanted to. For them to change, it has to come from within too. So, create a compelling need for them by continuing to be the better version of you. Your efforts will never go in vain. Trust yourself and trust the universe on that. Every single moment that you are different, you are happier with yourself for sustaining the change, someone else might be inspired looking at your change, you feel more confident about yourself and hence, more peaceful and happy too! While momentarily, your efforts do not seem to get acknowledged, if you keep at it, you’ll be the leader of change!

In the meantime, avoid getting into debates or arguments, trying to convince them to acknowledge your change. The more you force, the more frustrated both parties will be. Thus, making it even more difficult for the other to acknowledge the change. Let them have their map, smile, acknowledge their perspective, and don’t be affected by it.

Also, understand that your past behaviours would have had a certain impacted on them too. And they need time to reassure themselves that this change is for real. Because they don’t want to go back to readjusting to old ways just in case you flip. It’s their fear at times, that prevents them from accepting something too quickly. And it takes time to undo what has happened and open up to new possibilities.

Now that you know what’s causing the delay, your patience and understanding in this regard could just be another feather in your cap.

What should you do when someone is talking to you (apart from listening)

Normal conversations, it’s easy of course. You listen, respond, share/exchange views. Today’s focus is going to be on those tricky conversations in case of a disagreement, conflict, or if someone is talking about their problems. What should we do when someone is talking…

First thing to understand is what’s their expectation. Mostly, if you know the person well enough, you will understand from their mood, body language, tone of voice and demeanour as to what is it they are looking for in this conversation. If you aren’t sure, ask them what is it that they would like from you in this conversation. Sometimes asking this question has an additional benefit. One, is you anyways get to know what they are expecting. Second, you bring it to their conscious attention as to what they are looking for. So, if they say, “I am open to listening”, you have their conscious buy-in to listen to you when you are speaking. Conscious resistance is reduced as a result of that response. Also, important thing to note, not everyone who talks of a problem is looking for a solution.

What do they want from you?

Do they want to listen or do they want to be listened to? 

Do they want to be acknowledged or do they want your opinion?

Do they want a confirmation that they are right? Or your feedback to get it right?

If something is really and extremely important and you do want to communicate it even if they are not open, there are 2 ways that we could explore – 

1. Acknowledge what they are saying and add (not disagree and add) – saying, “I understand what you are saying. I may have a different point of view. But if you feel this is what you want to do, then I understand that.” When the other person knows you aren’t hell bent on making your point, unconsciously they drop their resistance and may be more open to hearing your point of view. They mostly land up saying, “tell me what’s on your mind”. If they don’t say that despite this, then perhaps they really aren’t ready for another opinion right now and it is best to leave it to them. It isn’t going to help even if you tell them anyway. Might as well save the heart burns. 

2. You directly ask them, “I have another point of view and it would be really nice if you heard me out. End of it, whatever you decide is fine. But it is important that I say this now.” – This is if it is really critical that you have to say what you have to say.

Most of us treat every situation in life with great seriousness. That’s why we have friction and arguments over the most futile topics even. However, it is good to understand what is important versus what is critical – AND, what’s the worst that could happen if you let go this time. If the repercussions aren’t life threatening, see if you can let go of the ego and the point. It scores you an extra point on rapport there. 

If someone has made up their mind, anything that you say isn’t going to help. When people are convinced, understand their point of conviction thoroughly before trying to convince. And don’t try to convince. The more you try to convince, the more they’ll be convinced of their own. So, avoid convincing when someone is already convinced. State what you need to state with rapport so that if there’s a remote possibility, they might at least consider it.