How to keep yourself motivated when you aren’t accepted

Do you realize that you don’t often like things that are necessarily good for you? What you like is often different from what’s good. Right? Likewise, appreciation from others, likes on social media, rewards, etc aren’t necessarily things that denote whether you are good or not. What appeals to people isn’t what’s good. What appeals to people is what they like. Now, why do people like something? There could be several reasons for it :

• an emotional connect 
• A value-based connect
• A feel-good factor
• A need for favor 
• A need to be liked 
• Social hierarchy driving the need 
• Your product meets their need or gap 
• And lastly, if the ego issues among their own selves permit them to like it

Good or bad is always a relative measure. There’s nothing entirely good or bad. Based on each person’s personal standards, it differs. Something that might be exceptional for one stratum of society might be looked down upon by other strata. Something that might look path-breaking for people of certain educational background, might look too hi-fi or irrelevant for people from a different educational background. 

Even language plays an important role – if someone understands a language very well, they might appreciate your choice of words and diction. But they don’t, they might find it difficult to connect with your fluency. Worse still, it might just appear like you are showing off. And hence, become a reason for disconnect! However, it doesn’t necessarily mean you are bad or someone else is better.

It’s important to meet people where they are! But it is also important to not relinquish your standards permanently while doing so. Nor should you look down at others. Everyone is where they are to serve a reason or purpose in their life. Meet people where they are. And once done, get back to where you are, or where you need to be in your pursuit of excellence.

The judgment of good and bad are need-based, value-based, and emotion-based. 

Keep doing what you are doing. Don’t compare yourself to others’ standards, likes, rewards, or acceptance. There is a place for each of us and our individual excellence to thrive in this world. It’s not a number game. It’s different based on what you do when you do, how you do and society’s readiness for the some. Most people who we revere today weren’t accepted or acknowledged even, during their times. However, today we look up to them as exceptional contributors to our existence.

Keep your purpose clear at all times. Don’t be deterred by these frivolous distractions. Know that you are good – 

• because you have tried
• because you have given in your best
• because you are doing what you are doing for a higher good
• because you are not giving up. You keep at it

If you know that much, auto-certify yourself that you are good. And don’t worry, you won’t become complacent. You will be confident, motivated, and driven. You will refrain from being demotivated by negative stressors from the outside environment. You’ll be happy!

Having said that there’s no absolute measure for whether you are good or not, there’s a definite measure for when one is excellent and exceptional. This is easy – when you are an authority in your field – you know it inside-out, you are open for challenges not to prove your knowledge but to get some facts out into the world for the larger benefit of humankind – now you know and most will agree that you are exceptional.  

But not many actually get to that level. The biggest reason being – they get demotivated at the likes and dislikes milestone itself. To be exceptional, one needs to have big-picture thinking. That will help you look beyond the temporary criticisms, ego clashes, social acceptance, and other such things. No great things were built in a day or a year. Excellence takes a ton of practice, a hell-of-a-lot of perseverance, an open mind, and an ego that is ready to fail fast and learn fast. Sometimes, acceptance may not come while you are alive. But trust that if your heart has indicated you to be on a path, and your mind has persevered to stay on it – there must be a divine reason for the collective good of humanity. Someone, somewhere out there must be needing it. And it will be their guiding light. So, let your light shine at all costs! There’s no room for fear. There’s no room for doubt. There’s no possibility of a failure that doesn’t offer you immense learning. Trust yourself! We all have a place in this world – in the highest sense of the word. Believe it! Take it! Live it! And love it!

My project – a human! Result – destruction!

I made a happy one an unhappy one!

I made a childlike bud a withered one!

I gave rules instead of wings,

Instilled fears instead of confidence,

What did I do you ask?

I tried to make perfect, a natural one!

I kept correcting innocence,

I kept controlling humour,

I kept chaining freedom,

I kept preaching wisdom,

All in the name of life’s preparation!

What happened?

I destroyed it!

The bud never bloomed.

The smile faded.

Fears crept in.

I crippled it!

Now I look at the fearful, crippled, sad one and wonder what did I do wrong?

What should I have done?

Too late, it says! Now the damage is already done!

I sit with myself feeling despair and distraught knowing that nothing that I said or did can ever be unsaid or undone!

It took so much destruction for me realise that it’s better to let them make their own mistakes and learn rather than make them too afraid to even attempt one.

I could have instead just appreciated, gently nudged and silently supported them in building one by one.

Now I stand in ruins where an entire building could have easily been done!

If your favourite dress had a heart…

What is your favourite dress? When was the last time you wore it? How many times have you worn it in the last 3 years? Do you own it, use it or do you simply save it? If your favourite dress had a heart – what would it feel – that you never choose to wear it? You always choose to wear other things over it? Would it be angry? Would it be upset?

What about your favourite person? What do you do with them? How are you with them? Do they know that they are your favourite? Do they know that they are “STILL” your favourite? Do they feel they are your favourite by the way you treat them? Or do they also feel left out or discarded like your favourite dress? Or even worse, do they feel you hate them and don’t care for them because of the way to speak to them lately (or don’t speak at all)?

It’s not about what you think of the dress or the person – it’s about how you show that they matter. It’s about how you make them feel good. But even before that, do YOU recognise that they are your favourite?

Your favourite dress might be the most exquisite one and hence you want to safeguard it. But what’s the point if it isn’t used? Unless you consciously make a choice to use it – you may not find the appropriate occasion for it. It is not that you should wear it everyday. But is shouldn’t be that it lies buried in the cupboard never seeing the light of the day – just like your talents, ideas and skills. Whatever it is – use it while you have it. The world isn’t what it is because of lack of good people, lack of good things, lack of talents or lack of goodness. It is what it is because of us, lacking a conscious intent to use all our talents and goodness to make the world a better place. We are mostly unconscious about the most precious gifts that we have. It’s time we change that and be more aware and in tune with the people whom we love, with the precious gifts that we have like air, water, health etc. and utilise the talents and ideas that we have been blessed with for a greater good.

 

 

Complimenting is an art!

We have all received compliments at some point of time or the other. Some we remember, some we don’t. And then there are those few that we cherish – the ones that bring a smile on our face anytime we think of them. It could’ve been years back, but every time we think of them, the same feeling of happiness comes by again. What is it that makes a compliment tick and stick for so long? Here are a few things that made the difference:

1) How they feel depends on how you say – Firstly, like everything else, complimenting too is an art. And art means expression. Consider half the job done, when you say it with expressions and communicate your energy and enthusiasm behind the compliment. It is such that it lifts the emotional state of the receiver in an instant. Passionately communicate rather than merely stating. Compliment is an expression of praise or admiration not a generic talk.

2) Make it an identity – Anything positive can be made to an identity level statement. For example, you are a terrific orator (instead of, ‘you speak well’); you are a great singer (instead of, ‘you sing well’). This will help them get associated with a positive word for themselves and repeat their excellence in other contexts too.

3) Remember & recall – It is important that you are explicitly quoting what you liked the most. That way, you are giving evidence that you were fully there and focused; and by stating specifics, you are also helping the person understand what the best part about what they did was and help the other person bring their unconscious excellence to their consciousness. Hence repeating this behaviour will be easy for them in the future.

4) Don’t stop just yet – Stating one sentence is easy. But, if you really liked something and truly want to appreciate, be generous with words. If their actions blew you away, the least we can do is sweeping them off their feet with our words, isn’t it? This is one place where we wouldn’t leave a person wanting for more. Let’s just give it to them since they deserve it.

5) ‘Buts’ can be parked – Following up a compliment with a ‘but’ is as good as negating. It is said that whatever precedes ‘but’ is bullshit. Think about it – “I like you…but…” And you don’t even want to hear the rest of it because you know the first part is not absolute. A compliment is strong enough to stand alone. It doesn’t need the support of advises or suggestions. Let’s park them for a later date if required.

6) Stick to the present rather than the past– Sometimes, when we like something about a person in the present, we tend to compare it with the behaviour of theirs from the past which we didn’t appreciate as much. This can backfire at times. Also, rather than spending more time talking about a past that wasn’t appreciated, we might as well focus on the present that we appreciate. The golden rule is ‘stay put with the desired behaviour’.

7)  You could be better, but that is for later – It isn’t about you, so fully focus on the other. Even if you have done something similar, or if you were the one who is responsible for their excellence right now, that is not most important right now. Be magnanimous and selfless in appreciation of the other. A simple sentence like, “See, I told you” or “I did something very similar” can reduce the effect of a compliment. You can’t appreciate and advice someone at the same time!

8) Compliments don’t need cousins for comparison – Rather than telling someone that they were better than another, appreciate them for who they truly are. That way we are truly celebrating excellence without putting down another. When we compare we may forget to see their uniqueness.

9) Don’t miss the moment – As much as the compliment, the timing is also important. Say it as soon as you experience their excellence. Say someone won an award and if you wish them after 3 months, even when you had the chance to wish them the same day …!!!

10) And then stop – Anything in excess loses its credibility. Saying the same thing in different variations isn’t effective. In fact, it makes people think that there’s no depth or content in the compliment. So, it’s good to know when to stop just as well.

As much as it is a joy to receive a compliment, there is just as much in giving a compliment and lighting up someone’s day too. Intent is always right behind a compliment. Getting it right hence, becomes easy. There could be more things to make a good compliment a cherished experience. Feel free to share. And, have a wonderful day ahead!

A bug called ‘Comparison’!

A lot of times, there’s nothing wrong with our present. Everything is fine, until… we get bitten by that bug called comparison. Read on…

Situation	Comparison	Effect
On a holiday. Checked in to a hotel – Neat, clean, spacious room. Pretty good.	On a previous holiday, the hotel had more cool features and a bigger bed	Happiness goes down a notch. Can’t appreciate the hotel for what it has. Immersed in thoughts of what else could’ve been better.
Birthday party. Lots of people wishing & celebrating. Cut a cake.	Last year I cut 3 cakes and had a surprise party.	The joy of this year’s celebration goes down a notch
Posted a picture on Facebook. A lot of people ‘like’ it.	A friend’s picture has more likes.	Unhappy that the popularity is not as great as the friend’s.
Good review rating and great increment for the good work done in office. Very happy.	A colleague gets promoted	Engulfed by sadness as to “Why not me”?
Bought a new house. Really put in lots of efforts & money to buy it. It was a dream come true.	See pictures of a friend’s house, much more lavish and beautiful.	Start feeling burdened by how much more hard work is required to get there. Completely miss out on the goodness of the present house.
Food cooked by spouse is really great. Enjoy the luxury of home-cooked healthy and tasty meals	Not as good as Grandma’s food.	Fail to appreciate spouse for the good food every day.
A child does a really cool piece of art work. Impressive.	Just saw another kid who had done something more creative.	Don’t feel as excited in appreciating the child’s work anymore.
A healthy body. Indeed something to be grateful for.	Not as pretty/handsome as the person next door.	Totally miss out on experiencing the joy of having a healthy body.
Getting into a meeting feeling very confident.	Suddenly you see someone you think as very smart and impressive and a senior leader in the organization.	Starting to feel more nervous and less confident.
Delighted to be enrolled in classes to learn a new skill.	Speed of learning is not as good as someone else.	Completely miss out on the joy of learning. Instead, land up feeling pressurized.

Quite often, we aren’t happy not because what we have isn’t good; but because we compared it to something that was apparently ‘better’ in our opinion. If the bug called comparison is a recipe for your success and drives you to do more, go for it. But if isn’t, drop it. Imagine this – you put in a lot of effort to do something but someone doesn’t appreciate you because they compare you to another. It doesn’t feel right, does it? It is only fair that people appreciate you for what you have to offer rather than compare you to others and miss out on your excellence.

Sometimes comparison may be a strategy to regret. A mechanism to feel bad and tell yourself you are not as good as someone. And this someone will always be there. But should that prevent you from being happy with yourself and what you have?

Note: Being happy with yourself does not equal to being complacent. One can be happy and strive for greater things in life. The pursuit of excellence comes from a place of knowing your own potential than anything else. And a happy person is more likely to get what he wants. Just remember to enjoy the ride while aspiring to reach your destination.

A Life Beyond Measure!

We humans and our innate desire to measure!
Eternally curious to know which is the tallest mountain, the deepest sea, the prettiest flower.
Ever wondered if the sea or the mountain cared if they were the highest or the deepest?
They simply are what they are!
Does the rose ever care if it is the prettiest flower?
It simply is!

Fancy measuring happiness in litres or kilograms
And saying I am 10 litres happy or 2 tons sad? 🙂
The most precious things in life are often not measurable
Like love, happiness, gratitude, hunger, compassion, devotion, determination, sincerity, etc.
In a competitive world, will quantity overpower quality? Nope!

What fun would it be, if we lived for a 100 years,
Married at the right age, had kids at the right age,
Worked till the right age, retired at the right age,
Died at the right age (if there ever is one) –
And if we are not happy at the end of the day,
If we’ve not made a difference to the world in which we existed!

We call it one year when the earth completes one revolution.
Because of that, our age goes up by one.
What if the earth took 1000 days to complete one rotation?
Does that mean we are younger – because the measure changes?

We are only as young as we imagine
As happy as we feel
As intelligent as we think
As charming as we believe!

Unique you are and unique you will be!
To exist in a relative measure all the time is an effort!
You are one of a kind and there’s no one else quite like you.
With whatever combination you are made of;
Celebrate life – without comparison – it surely is worth it!

Even if a 100 things may have gone wrong in the past,
The 101st is waiting to happen the right way.
Believe in it! And your belief shall make it come true.
Measure not your life with the past
For ahead, lies the best!