You need to know this if you have the fear of losing someone you love

As kids, we live mostly in the present. We don’t usually tend to have responsibilities or many cares to get carried away with. Hence, we tend to be more in the present and enjoy the simple pleasures of life. However, as we grow older, things change. We have responsibilities, dreams, future, and past to think about. And as we grow and get into strong attachments, the thought of death or loss seeps in too. Not so much our own death as much as the death of someone we love or losing someone we love. That thought becomes an acute fear for some of us too.

I had a friend who once made an SOS call to me. His father was diagnosed with a rare kind of disease and didn’t have much time to live. Perhaps a year was what the doctors had said. All hell broke loose for my friend. He was very attached to his father and couldn’t bear the thought of his death. He called me thinking I had lost my father already and dealt with that loss. So, he wanted to understand what’s that entire process going to be like.

Honestly, death and life mean different things to different people. Even if I go through a ton of deaths personally, I can never explain to someone how it would be like for them when they go through something similar. Each to their own is best applicable here. In fact, even though I dealt with one, I truly wouldn’t know how I would, the next one. I can imagine, dream, prepare, but nothing would be like the real experience.

Why is that? Because we have something called the ‘impact bias’. We over-estimate the impact or intensity of future emotional states based on our current understanding and current life situations. But when it finally happens, our estimation might not be even close to reality. That’s because as humans, we tend to rationalize anything that happens to us. As a result of it, we learn acceptance and understanding of the event. And hence, the emotions that we feel towards that incident, significantly reduce over time. The feeling might not go away but the intensity certainly comes down. We can’t hold on to the intensity of any feeling beyond a point because we tend to rationalize or add logic to make sense of whatever has happened to us. Hence, impact bias is called a bias. Not a reality. It is a misguided perception.

If someone means a lot today, I spend significant time with them and they make my life easy, I obviously cannot imagine living without them tomorrow. The thought itself may send shudders down my spine. But the good news is, god forbid, even if that happens one day, I won’t be as devastated as I imagined. I’ll quickly come to terms with reality and grab hold of myself. The time taken might differ from person to person. And how they make sense of it might differ, but we do tend to change the way we view it.

This holds true for our so-called good incidents or dreams coming true as well. We attach more significance to them and imagine ourselves being super happy when we would achieve something. But when it finally happens, we actually don’t feel as excited as we thought we’d be and the effect runs down pretty quickly too. That promotion that you always dreamt of, might have created happiness but only for a shorter period of time – until your mind finds something else to run after. The wedding that you always dreamt of too, has its effect only until a certain point. Once that effect wears off, you wake up from the fairy tale and may find reality business as usual for the most part.

So, rather than living in the fancy dreams or fears, if we recognize that this is the moment to seize since this is the only moment that’s real, life’s going to be quite stress-free. Also, you won’t save your happiness for a later date or postpone it for any reason. You will experience life in its full bloom right now.

Nothing is ever as good or as bad as we think them to be. Don’t try to prepare yourself for what might happen – life is preparing you anyways. Live this moment to the fullest. If you give it all you have, you won’t have the past to regret or the future to be fearful of. People come and people go, life continues to go on!

4 important questions to ask yourself

Part I – Important questions to ask yourself

• What’s your biggest fear?
• What’s your most important need that drives you ?
• What makes you connect with people?
• What makes you disconnect from people?

Part II – Follow up questions to the above:

• What if your biggest fear came true – what will happen 6 months, 1 year, 5 years from then?
• What happens if that need is not met? What can you do about it for yourself?
• What do you do that shows that you value them? Do they see it and feel it too?
• What if you were forced to stay connected with them? What do you need to develop within yourself so that you can remain happy despite of how they are?

Not absolute, but definite

Your search may not yield an absolute result. But keep looking anyway –

You may definitely find something of great value.

Reality, truth, love and death aren’t absolute.

But keep at them anyway- for you may find your purpose.

Thought, words, emotions aren’t absolute.

But be aware anyway – for you may find your deeper self there.

Pain isn’t absolute

But get through it anyway, for you may find new strength there.

The universe and all its contents aren’t absolute.

But keep exploring anyway – for u may find a precious path.

You, me or these relationships aren’t absolute.

But keep at them anyway, for you may find new learnings and realisations along the way.

Winning without Arguing!

What do you do when you are faced with an idea that is opposing to yours? You want to do something while the person wants you to do something else. What happens next? The battle begins. An argument starts.

What we may lose sight while arguing is the actual issue at hand. Our focus moves from the issue to the person with whom we are arguing. We try to win over the person rather than talk about the situation.

Source:Commons.wikimedia.org

Let’s say – I want to go for a party and my father doesn’t agree. What happens next is the drama triangle: I play the role of a victim and say, “You never let me do what I want. You are always telling me what I should do.”

Now this is a tempting invitation for my father to get into the role of a persecutor. “You never listen to me. You are always arguing. You don’t know what is good. Is that party more important than me?”

If you see now, the issue is out of proportions. It looks like someone is deliberately trying to restrict me or that I am intentionally being rude. That is far from reality.

Instead, imagine this – when we had a difference of opinion – if I stick to the issue at hand and address only that – “Dad, I really want to go for the party. I know you are concerned about my safety, and here’s what I am doing to ensure that I am safe. Let me know what else I can do to make you feel comfortable. I understand that this may not be very important but I have really been looking forward to it and it would mean the world if you agreed.” Asking the right questions and addressing the point of disconnect is what is usually most beneficial.

This kind of discussion keeps the drama out and steers us away from an argument. Eventually, whether the person agrees or not is a different thing. At least you are approaching it from a clean space. The likelihood of someone agreeing to you is greater when you explain yourself in rapport than when you go down to a personal battle of words. It also usually invites the other person to explain their rationale just as neutrally. Then it isn’t about winning or losing, it’s just about whether or not to go about something in a certain way – while acknowledging the other’s opinion. It isn’t necessary for someone to lose for us to win. It’s just wonderful to win and have others along with us in it.

Helping without rescuing…

What I love the most about being a part of this world is that we each want to be useful to someone and help each other out most often.

However, helping without rescuing – what is this about and why is it important? Imagine this –

Scene 1: A person is drowning – You go and help them and rescue them from drowning.

Scene 2: A person is learning to swim – Here, you help them learn. If you rescue them from learning, the odds are that they may not learn the skill of swimming for themselves.

Drawing a parallel, when an individual is in a crisis, out of love and concern, we may want to not only help but also rescue the individual. This usually may either create a dependency or take away the learning for the individual; or if the individual is not looking for a solution, you could be rescuing them ahead of time. As a result, you could be held to task for rescuing without being asked. So, what do we do then? Just watch? No!

Firstly, it is good to understand where is the person in terms of the problem:

–          Do they see it as a challenge (at times, we might perceive it as a challenge but the person going through may not)

–          If yes, are they looking for a solution? (This is most important. We cannot help someone find something they are not looking for – else they can give you 100’s of reasons as to why any of your suggestions might not work for their problem)

–          If yes, do they want to find the solution ‘on their own’ or are they looking to ‘you’ for some guidance?

–          If they are looking to you, are they looking for moral support, information, listening and empathy or anything else?

If we are able to gauge the individual on the above, we’d be in a better place to play a role that is required for that situation rather than merely offering what we’d like to offer. Offering anything when it is not required loses its value and can also backfire.

Offering your solution to someone is a way of rescuing. Enabling a person to come to their solution is helping.
The trouble with rescuing is that it creates dependency. The advantage with helping is that it leaves the person feeling empowered and confident that they can find their own answers. So how do we do that? How can we help without rescuing?

One of the ways to do that is by asking open ended questions which facilitate a thought process within them. We could gently nudge them towards solution thinking by framing the questions with that kind of focus – For example – how would you like to go about this situation? What do you think might work? What would you want to do differently? What would you like to have happen? and the like.

It is usually observed that people respond well to these kinds of conversations. If you want to pick a needle in a haystack, all you need is a good magnet. Likewise, you can be that magnet by asking neutral, open ended questions (without having a personal agenda) that will facilitate a thought process in the individual. People usually find their own answers when given a positive space and unconditional acceptance. Such revelations are usually liberating because it is their own resource. It may not be as quick as you offering your solution right away, but this is more sustainable in the long run as they find their own solutions and own them too. This way, you are helping them help themselves. You are empowering them!

Why not WHY?

When I was a child, I used to wait for someone to ask me “Why” for anything – As soon as I heard “why”, the mickey in me would jump out and say, “Because the sky is so high”, “Because you don’t know how to multiply” or “Because my grandma is making fish fry” – and so on and so forth of irrelevant rhyming answers. I used to think that was so much fun. (In fact, I still think so) :).  I am sure some of you would have also said it or heard it.

Anyhow, when I started getting into studying more about the human psyche and stuff, I started realizing why ‘WHY’ was not the best way to ask a question sometimes. It also suddenly made sense as to why we had such ridiculous answers only to ‘WHY’ questions back then. 😉

‘Why’ can be like one of those never ending, never satisfying, trick questions. Ask me why? Well, because – the sky is so high. 😛 Kidding! Because sometimes, we can build resistance in the other’s mind with a ‘Why’ question.  One can always follow up a why question with another and another. It may come across as a ‘questioning question’ than a ‘seek to understand’ question. Let’s take a few examples:

–          Why do you do that? V/s  What’s important about doing that for you?

–          Why do you love me? (one can say there’s no answer to that, and still get away with it) V/s     What do you love about me? (But, if you hear someone say there’s no answer to this…then you know….;))

–          Why did that happen? V/s How did that happen? 

–          Why are you happy? V/s What are you happy about?

Ask yourself these questions in the same order and you can see, hear & feel difference. The difference is evident in these cases, isn’t it? We are more likely to get a detailed, open response with questions like ‘what’s important about that to you’ or ‘how is that important to you?’ rather than ‘Why’. It also escapes resistance. That said, ‘Why’ isn’t a forbidden question suddenly. There may be situations where a ‘Why’ might make sense too. However, in certain other situations, there are better ways to ask a question and elicit a deeper response than by asking a ‘Why’ question.

If my Mother asks me to do something, and if I ask her why, she is more likely to say, ‘What do you mean Why?’, ‘because I said so’, ‘because you have to’, ‘because it is common sense’ and the like. Whereas, if I ask her ‘Ma, what’s important about doing that’, she is more likely to tell me truly what is important about doing it. It’s one of those small things in life that makes a key difference. In the next conversation you have, try without the ‘Why’ where not needed, and see the difference.

So, Why only ‘WHY’?

When something else is also worth a try!

Being practical – in theory. :)

Quite an oxymoron there isn’t it! That’s what amused me too. I met a friend and that’s where this began.

We were having a serious conversation about one of those important things in life (you know what I mean ;)). This friend kept asking a lot of questions – ‘what if this…’ and ‘what if that…’After listening to a bunch of ‘what if’s’, I asked him what’s important about all of these what if’s. He replied , ‘it’s all about being practical after all isn’t it? And hence, these questions’. I was clearly amused by this response and immediately said, “That, somehow, seems to be the exact opposite of being practical.” That’s like being practical in theory – or being hypothetically practical.

The possibilities of ‘what if’s’ are almost endless. There can be a ‘what if’ after a ‘what if’ and we may not find a final answer or the right answer. I am not averse to asking the ‘what if’ question. In fact, I think it is good to think ahead at times and think holistic. However, it is also good to be aware if we are being controlled by the questions or if we are controlling the questions. There’s nothing right or wrong. It’s just that we may miss out on living life and being practical in reality because we are so caught up in the theory or philosophy of being practical. Knowing that hypothetical questions can only have hypothetical answers and that, reality may be different – can keep us from getting swept away in a barrage of ‘what if’ analysis. Also, attempting to find answers to all our ‘what if’ questions before we could arrive at our decision may lead to delay in decisions or ineffectiveness in decision making. One of the keys to fast and effective decisions is the ability to deal with a certain amount of ambiguity.

It’s not about having all the answers. It is more about asking the right questions, knowing what’s important and being able to embrace clarity and ambiguity equally. There’s a lot of fun in going with the flow as well. While daring to dream is good, caring to make it a reality is what matters at the end of a day. And what’s important is being able to weed out all things unnecessary and focus on what’s most important. There’s no dearth of information around us. But how much do we actually need to know to do what we want to do in the best way – it’s important to establish that. The reality of practicality is simple. The theory may be more complex. Let’s not think it over and instead, live it up!