Dealing with death

Lots of deaths happening around. We are unable to help it. There’s grief. Death shows no bias nor consideration for age, gender, power, value – or anything. We can neither choose when it happens, how happens, or to whom it happens. At times like these, just a couple of things that you might want to consider so that you can help yourself through these trying times:

1. It’s okay to cry. Let no one tell you and you don’t tell anyone that one should not cry. It’s not only normal, it is absolutely necessary that we give ourselves the liberty to cry it out, if we feel like it. Neither force anyone to not cry nor force anyone to cry. Each person had their own way to grieve. Respect the space. Not crying is not a source of strength nor is crying a sign of weakness.
2. We usually tend to think of the last moments and feel bad. Think of the good times with them. Recall stories from their life that stand out for you. Share with someone or write down if you wish. But recall all the great stories. Their entire life is always more powerful than their death in a moment. So make sure you remember and recall their life rather than fixate only on the dying part. Replay their life more than replaying their death. Their good stories will inspire you to live your life better. 
3. Avoid feeling bitter. Death is something that really isn’t in our hands. Death is the only thing that isn’t an “if”. It will happen! We can neither control nor choose when it happens or how it happens! So don’t blame yourself for their death. If their life were to continue it would have. Because their time had come, there was nothing you could do to save them. So don’t go on guilt trips or bitter trips. It’s really not in our hands. It’s okay to feel sad. But bitter makes it worse.
4. Don’t think of other possibilities after the person dies. It’s only a recipe to make yourself or others feel miserable. The fact that they are gone, no point talking of what you or anyone should have done differently to save them. Ideation to save their life after their death is a foolish idea. This only helps blaming. And blaming doesn’t really help. 
5. Don’t try to avoid their thoughts, or avoid looking at their photos or anything that reminds you of them. The more you try to avoid, the more it will continue to affect you. Deal with it. Feel the emotions because after some time your avoidance will make it all unbearable. Make your peace sooner than later. Dealing with them on a regular basis helps to reduce the intensity over time. Avoiding it by keeping yourself busy or distracted will make it a repressed thought and feeling which might storm out of you in strange ways and forms when you least expect it – and that too, for many years to come! Someone you loved all these years, doesn’t have to be suddenly forgotten, hidden, or repressed. 

When you think of them, think of their wonderful qualities, their life and how you can carry forward their legacy. May every thought of theirs give you the strength to move forward in life. Even if it is our loss today, we have to remember, we did gain a lot until this point. That’s why we feel the loss. Let us be grateful for all that we gained from them. We will miss their physical presence but if we look within, we’ll find a part of them within ourselves. It’s okay to miss their presence, but don’t miss your life, your duties, and other loved ones around you in the process of missing them. If you ever think you should’ve been better with them in anyway, take it as an opportunity to be better at least with those who are alive and with you now. Lest you regret the same again with others too.

As daunting as darkness might initially be, it’s only a few moments before our eyes adjust to it and learn to see. So, hang in there until you can see!

Before we go inward in pain, let’s look outside and see all the others who may need our love and support. We can’t get back those who are gone. But let’s try and help the rest of us survive and get past this. Individually we may collapse. Collectively we can survive. We need to look beyond our individual pain to be able to rise above the situation and do whatever is required of us at a humanitarian level. Let’s not expect others to be understanding. Let us understand since some are too gripped by fear to be able to do any better. They need even more love!

We shall get past this together! Prayers and wishes for you and your loved ones. Take care!

Narmada

Is it wrong to cry when they die?

At my father’s funeral, the one thing that I could not appreciate listening to was people telling me not to cry and asking me to be strong. How are tears connected with weakness in this context anyway? Someone dies, you love them, you are attached, it’s natural to feel a little sad right when it happens! Should I be strong or should I be human?

People come with the best of intentions and lots of love. But they land up saying things that take you further away from being healed. They give you more expectations that you should try to live up to, even in that situation. 

Death isn’t misery. Death is a relief. I completely second that. Having said that, I also feel it takes a few hours or days to get used to it. In that much time, it’s not right on our part to expect people to be this way or that way. 

Do you realize that most people say sorry when they cry? We have literally made crying an offense. People might not apologize even if they abuse you at times. But they definitely apologize when they cry in front of you. That’s how inappropriate we have made crying in our society. Why though?

I am not advocating drama by any means. It’s not healthy to make a drama of death. It’s a natural process that everyone goes through. And different people have different ways of going through with it. Some cry, some don’t. Those gentle tears are ways of letting go of all the pent up emotions. And one shouldn’t be made to feel sorry for those tears. They are valuable. 

No one is meant to last forever. But the question to ask ourselves is, are we crying because we miss someone? Or are we crying because we feel sorry for ourselves? If you miss someone, you’ll start cherishing their memories as gifts and gain your own strength to keep going. If you feel sorry for yourself, that’s gonna be a killer! There’s no relief from that apart from you realizing that it is not all about you. You just have to get over yourself and look at life from a larger perspective. Their death wasn’t planned by the universe on a special agenda to make you suffer. Their time had come, so they had to go. Your suffering is your own creation in the meantime. When you make it less about you, you start to find more strength to get going.

Usually, when someone dies, we tend to think of their life in relation to ours. Naturally! We think of all that they were for us, all that they did for us, and now we start thinking who’s going to do that for me, who’s going to be that for me. And that’s how we start feeling sorry for ourselves. We start feeling lonely. But then when you starting thinking of their life, their message, their legacy, you find the motivation in you to carry them forward and be all that not just for yourself but for those around you too. That’s when you stop making their death all about you. And graciously move ahead. 

Hysterically crying all the time and blaming everyone around, or feeling sorry for oneself, isn’t what’s going to get anyone anywhere. But tears gently flowing down your cheek when you are filled with gratitude or when you are missing someone is far from a crime. 

Some of the things that we do that makes crying an uncomfortable experience are:

• Running with water, tissues, and other things to the person who is crying – what’s wrong with that? Be gentle about it. Don’t run like they are dying. They are just crying. If you have something around, gently hand it over to them. But if you make dramatic reactions yourself, it makes the other person feel even more conscious about themselves. 

• We immediately go pat on their back and tell them, “Please don’t cry”. Or we say, “don’t worry, everything will be fine.” What’s wrong with that? Well, how do you know everything will be fine?  Secondly, they know that too. But they are crying for this moment. Imagine you hurt your leg, you know you’ll be healed soon. But that doesn’t mean you won’t feel the pain now as soon as you got hurt right? I can’t ask you not to feel the pain today since it will heal tomorrow. I just have to be with you, for now, that’s all. 

• We tell them, ‘You are very strong. You should not cry. If you cry what will happen to others’. What’s wrong with that? Back to the opening para, tears and strength aren’t diametrically opposite to each other. Even if you are strong, you aren’t made of stone to not feel anything. It’s not the time for us to advise them about taking care of others. If we take care of them now, they’ll get the strength to take care of others. We don’t need to state the obvious. They know it already. The last thing we should do is making them feel guilty for having those emotions. We shouldn’t make them feel stifled or suffocated. 

How to refer to the dead in ways that are healthy

Usually, when someone dies, the rest of us get uncomfortable talking about that dead person in front of their family or loved ones. We don’t want to spark off some emotions in them, hence we carefully try to avoid mentioning them or anything that’s related to them. However, should we necessarily avoid talking about them? Is that the best way to move on?

When we so carefully avoid talking about them, I have seen that their loved ones usually feel, “how can they just forget all about my father/mother/grandfather/husband/“ etc. They may feel that people have conveniently forgotten all about the deceased and may feel bad about it. Referencing them in ways that are negative or regretful is also not healthy. Saying things like,

• “If you had done this, maybe he would’ve lived” – is an absolute No-No. Once the person dies, don’t pick up any topic that makes the family feel they should’ve done something to keep them alive. Death and life are not in our hands. If my time is over, no one and nothing can give me extra life. If my time is there, no one and nothing can kill me too.
• Avoid referencing in ways of regret – such as – ‘he should’ve seen this before he left.’ Or, he died too young, he should’ve lived longer. You may feel that, but when you tell it to the family, they may feel bad about it further.
• Don’t let curiosity get the better of you and ask them questions around the death – how did they die? How exactly did it happen – questions like these will make them relive the not-okay moments many times strengthening the painful moments further.
• Sometimes we go one step further by stopping the family of the deceased from talking or recounting their old memories with them too! That goes a tad too much! They may feel they don’t have the freedom to talk about the person they love so much. One may think, “I just don’t want them to think of the past and feel bad”. But you know what, we can’t abruptly stop talking about someone who passed away. It will look weird to avoid someone who we loved and lived with for so long. It’s a life – not a paper or an issue that can be pushed under the carpet and forgotten. It’s okay to talk about them, and feel that sense of missing them – and have a tear or two briefly. It’s a process of recalling, strengthening, and letting go. The more you try to avoid this, the longer it takes to heal. Like I always say, “It’s okay to be not okay.”

Find healthy ways of referencing and representing them because we can draw strength from it. Healthy ways of referencing are talking about the good work they have done, how the deceased may have inspired you some time, their strengths, their good work, and how they may be peaceful somewhere up above, watching over us. When we say things like this, we are remembering them in healthy ways. The concerned family too might just appreciate the fact that you still care to remember the goodness of the person and celebrate their life even after they are gone. That is gratitude. Trying to spend a life coping with their death may be painful. But trying to spend a life carrying forward their legacy might be helpful.

Just because you don’t talk about them, the other person won’t forget them. They’ll still think of them. Hence, fondly remember them rather than desperately try to avoid/forget them. Beyond that one moment of death, there is an entire life of theirs to be cherished.

For more tips on what to say and what not to say in these circumstances – please refer to an earlier blog – https://narmadarao.wordpress.com/2014/12/29/when-you-dont-know-what-to-say-2/

You need to know this if you have the fear of losing someone you love

As kids, we live mostly in the present. We don’t usually tend to have responsibilities or many cares to get carried away with. Hence, we tend to be more in the present and enjoy the simple pleasures of life. However, as we grow older, things change. We have responsibilities, dreams, future, and past to think about. And as we grow and get into strong attachments, the thought of death or loss seeps in too. Not so much our own death as much as the death of someone we love or losing someone we love. That thought becomes an acute fear for some of us too.

I had a friend who once made an SOS call to me. His father was diagnosed with a rare kind of disease and didn’t have much time to live. Perhaps a year was what the doctors had said. All hell broke loose for my friend. He was very attached to his father and couldn’t bear the thought of his death. He called me thinking I had lost my father already and dealt with that loss. So, he wanted to understand what’s that entire process going to be like.

Honestly, death and life mean different things to different people. Even if I go through a ton of deaths personally, I can never explain to someone how it would be like for them when they go through something similar. Each to their own is best applicable here. In fact, even though I dealt with one, I truly wouldn’t know how I would, the next one. I can imagine, dream, prepare, but nothing would be like the real experience.

Why is that? Because we have something called the ‘impact bias’. We over-estimate the impact or intensity of future emotional states based on our current understanding and current life situations. But when it finally happens, our estimation might not be even close to reality. That’s because as humans, we tend to rationalize anything that happens to us. As a result of it, we learn acceptance and understanding of the event. And hence, the emotions that we feel towards that incident, significantly reduce over time. The feeling might not go away but the intensity certainly comes down. We can’t hold on to the intensity of any feeling beyond a point because we tend to rationalize or add logic to make sense of whatever has happened to us. Hence, impact bias is called a bias. Not a reality. It is a misguided perception.

If someone means a lot today, I spend significant time with them and they make my life easy, I obviously cannot imagine living without them tomorrow. The thought itself may send shudders down my spine. But the good news is, god forbid, even if that happens one day, I won’t be as devastated as I imagined. I’ll quickly come to terms with reality and grab hold of myself. The time taken might differ from person to person. And how they make sense of it might differ, but we do tend to change the way we view it.

This holds true for our so-called good incidents or dreams coming true as well. We attach more significance to them and imagine ourselves being super happy when we would achieve something. But when it finally happens, we actually don’t feel as excited as we thought we’d be and the effect runs down pretty quickly too. That promotion that you always dreamt of, might have created happiness but only for a shorter period of time – until your mind finds something else to run after. The wedding that you always dreamt of too, has its effect only until a certain point. Once that effect wears off, you wake up from the fairy tale and may find reality business as usual for the most part.

So, rather than living in the fancy dreams or fears, if we recognize that this is the moment to seize since this is the only moment that’s real, life’s going to be quite stress-free. Also, you won’t save your happiness for a later date or postpone it for any reason. You will experience life in its full bloom right now.

Nothing is ever as good or as bad as we think them to be. Don’t try to prepare yourself for what might happen – life is preparing you anyways. Live this moment to the fullest. If you give it all you have, you won’t have the past to regret or the future to be fearful of. People come and people go, life continues to go on!

God has given you a gift!

This is the big event you missed while you were busy celebrating birth and mourning death!

Are birth and death the two most important events? Yes! But why? Because they signify an entire life in between. By themselves, they don’t have a meaning. It is the life that lies in between that adds meaning to these two events. There are scores of mosquitoes, worms, and so many things that are born and die every single day. But we aren’t affected by those as much, at least emotionally, because their life in between didn’t have emotional or sentimental value or bonding with us. 

The irony of life, however, is that we have paid paramount importance to these two events per se, and ignored the life in between, or taken it for granted. There have been times when I postponed meeting a friend. But the minute I got to know there was a death in their family, I made it a point to visit, despite all odds. It was ironic that something as big as death had to happen for me to make time. Could nothing less have motivated me to get myself there earlier? 

We are ever ready to celebrate events, full of emotions to mourn death – but what happened to the life in between? Why does life have to be only about events and not the process? 

When we get to know someone is dying, we completely change our behavior and perspective towards them. We suddenly become kinder, more compassionate, and this is the cherry – more available to them. Up until that point, we were too busy. But suddenly, with the same 24 hours still, we are able to find more time to be with them. How? Nothing else changed. Just an advanced invitation or intimation from death – and everything changed. Did we forget that they were going to die otherwise? We all know death. But we don’t realize it is so close. Or rather, we wish to ignore it for as long as we can, thinking if we ignore it long enough, it will not happen. Death is not like your friend who’ll feel bad because you ignored it. Death will come and do what it has to do, whenever it has to do, without any considerations for how busy you have been or how much you loved someone in your heart but couldn’t find the time to express it.

Rarely do we get an advanced intimation from it. Mostly it comes like an unannounced visitor and takes away someone we love or ourselves. But should we have to wait for an intimation or can we generally wake up each morning fully aware of the fact that death is impending and being grateful that we, and the people we love, have woken up today?

Some of us live like we are already dead. Some of the live in the fear or misery of someone’s death. Some of us live like we are forcing ourselves to be alive. Some of us act like we are alive. We fill our heads with all kinds of filth in the process. It’s the journey that makes the beginning and ends meaningful. If we aren’t able to appreciate and be a part of the journey, why bother in the ceremonies towards the end? Why speak to photos and ghosts, when we have an equal opportunity to speak to those who are still alive? At times, we are so busy mourning one death that we forget the rest of those who are still alive. Slowly, the rest keep dying too! And then we realize, we were so busy mourning death that we forgot to take notice of those alive. Now we regret that they are gone too! And that’s how the cycle goes of ‘mourning-regret-mourning’!! Life disappears!

Likewise, when there’s a newborn, there’s so much love and attention towards it. And then, in a matter of time, it becomes annoying, irritating, and tiring. So we start shouting, yelling, abusing. God forbid, if death drops its invite in advance to that little one, suddenly all the anger, tiresomeness, irritation magically disappears. And again we find ourselves with love and attention and great compassion. No one has to remind us of our name every day, right? Then why do we have to be reminded that we are alive and that we will die soon or someone will die? Can’t we remember and conduct ourselves accordingly?

Likewise, even a wedding. The amount of fanfare that is involved in a wedding these days is insane! I wonder if people would spend as much money, time and effort in organizing their life, as they would on wedding clothes and the rest of the fanfare. Are you missing out something? A wedding is important because it signifies the new life that two people are going to start for the rest of their life. By itself, a wedding ceremony has no value. Its value comes from the eager hearts that long to be together, and the families that get together to make new bonds for as long as they all shall live. But I don’t know how many relationships actually get compromised in making a ‘wedding’ happen!

If you are like me, who has made it a point to be a part of all important events like birth, marriage, and death, I think it’s now time to consider being a part of life too. Life is not all about some key events, recognitions, and success parties. The fact that we are still alive, calls for recognition. People shouldn’t wait for something to happen to them for us to recognize and pay attention to their existence. That’s perhaps the most disrespectful way of dealing with life! Life isn’t just to be remembered after death but to be recognized while alive.

Bad news and misery aren’t together

When we are busy wishing for the dead to come alive, 

we may miss enjoying the presence of those still alive. 

Bad news isn’t something we can control. Things happen. As they say, ’S**t happens’. We can’t like all that happens to us in life. That’s alright! We feel sad when someone dies, we feel sad when someone gets hurt, we feel sad when dreams are shattered, when people leave and so on. Feeling sad when things go wrong is understandable. But if you choose to prolong that sad feeling for days, months, and years – that’s when it becomes a misery. And misery is optional! Bad situations don’t equate to misery. Your choice to stay put in a bad state dictates misery. Some people have made an unconscious habit to stay miserable. Something would’ve gone wrong months or years back. They still think of it and feel bad, feel sorry for themselves, and hence make misery mandatory in their lives. 

When we make misery mandatory, we dictate that mood for the rest of our lives. Good things would have been waiting to happen. But looking at the miserable state, good things turn away thinking it’s not the right time, or we aren’t ready for it. Staying in a state of denial or self-pity only makes life further miserable. It’s okay to fall in a well or jump in a well even! But choosing to stay there for a long time isn’t a great choice. Get out quickly. The sooner you get out, the more you’ll allow good things to come your way. Sometimes, good things are happening too but we fail to take notice of them because we are so busy feeling miserable about something else. 

It’s time to realise that death, break-ups, or other bad things aren’t causing the misery. It’s living with regrets that make us miserable.

Celebrating illness? Strangely so!

We take sickness more seriously than health. 

We take death more seriously than life. 

Such is the irony of our lives. 

We don’t bother greeting a healthy person in front of us but we’d be busy sympathizing and giving attention to a person who is ill. We may not have spoken to that person until that time. But suddenly when we hear they are ill, we gather all the time from our  ‘busy schedule’ to go and mark our attendance with that ill/dying person.

On birthdays, we leave a message through some form of social media or messaging systems and wish people. Phone call is reserved for a few. Why did we message and not call? We never gave it much of a thought. One day you get to know the person is no more. Would you regret not having called and spoken to them? 

If someone is unwell, we will be sure to ask them how’s the pain or how’s the illness? With the best of intentions, we accidentally shift their attention to something not okay. 

When someone is unwell we’d be sure to keep asking them about that illness or ailment each time we see them. Even if they forget they were ill, we will keep reminding them. We prove that if you want attention, the sure-shot way to get it, is by falling ill! We celebrate and give attention to illness! If someone is healthy, we only say ‘hi’ and walk past. That’s not a reason enough to pause and talk about good things. Only illness gets that extra attention, that extra greeting, that extra question, and that extra concern. I m guilty of this too. I recall visiting a friend when she was unwell. But I never went to her house all the zillion times she invited me over to have a cup of tea. I am not saying don’t visit when they are unwell. Please do, if you think it helps and doesn’t cause a disturbance. Show them you care and show them you are there – but don’t completely ignore them when they are healthy and happy. Spend more time celebrating health than fearing illness. If we spare that time while the person is hale and hearty, we give them an extra boost to be even more happy and healthy.

We make time to travel to cities and continents to visit people when they are no longer In a condition to talk. How happy would they have been if we went while they were still in a position to engage with us. Alas, we make time when they are no longer conscious of our arrival nor departure!  

What a shame that we have to wait for death to celebrate life! That we realize something only when we are about to lose it or already lost it!

Rather than make people feel lonely when they are alive and missed only when they are gone, how about spending time with people who matter while they are still conscious. So that they know they matter to us. Our immediate family might matter the most. However, it doesn’t end there. There are others who matter too. If we realize in time, we can make time for them too. So no one waits to know they are loved. And no one dies to know they are missed. They live knowing they are loved.