Dealing with death

Lots of deaths happening around. We are unable to help it. There’s grief. Death shows no bias nor consideration for age, gender, power, value – or anything. We can neither choose when it happens, how happens, or to whom it happens. At times like these, just a couple of things that you might want to consider so that you can help yourself through these trying times:

1. It’s okay to cry. Let no one tell you and you don’t tell anyone that one should not cry. It’s not only normal, it is absolutely necessary that we give ourselves the liberty to cry it out, if we feel like it. Neither force anyone to not cry nor force anyone to cry. Each person had their own way to grieve. Respect the space. Not crying is not a source of strength nor is crying a sign of weakness.
2. We usually tend to think of the last moments and feel bad. Think of the good times with them. Recall stories from their life that stand out for you. Share with someone or write down if you wish. But recall all the great stories. Their entire life is always more powerful than their death in a moment. So make sure you remember and recall their life rather than fixate only on the dying part. Replay their life more than replaying their death. Their good stories will inspire you to live your life better. 
3. Avoid feeling bitter. Death is something that really isn’t in our hands. Death is the only thing that isn’t an “if”. It will happen! We can neither control nor choose when it happens or how it happens! So don’t blame yourself for their death. If their life were to continue it would have. Because their time had come, there was nothing you could do to save them. So don’t go on guilt trips or bitter trips. It’s really not in our hands. It’s okay to feel sad. But bitter makes it worse.
4. Don’t think of other possibilities after the person dies. It’s only a recipe to make yourself or others feel miserable. The fact that they are gone, no point talking of what you or anyone should have done differently to save them. Ideation to save their life after their death is a foolish idea. This only helps blaming. And blaming doesn’t really help. 
5. Don’t try to avoid their thoughts, or avoid looking at their photos or anything that reminds you of them. The more you try to avoid, the more it will continue to affect you. Deal with it. Feel the emotions because after some time your avoidance will make it all unbearable. Make your peace sooner than later. Dealing with them on a regular basis helps to reduce the intensity over time. Avoiding it by keeping yourself busy or distracted will make it a repressed thought and feeling which might storm out of you in strange ways and forms when you least expect it – and that too, for many years to come! Someone you loved all these years, doesn’t have to be suddenly forgotten, hidden, or repressed. 

When you think of them, think of their wonderful qualities, their life and how you can carry forward their legacy. May every thought of theirs give you the strength to move forward in life. Even if it is our loss today, we have to remember, we did gain a lot until this point. That’s why we feel the loss. Let us be grateful for all that we gained from them. We will miss their physical presence but if we look within, we’ll find a part of them within ourselves. It’s okay to miss their presence, but don’t miss your life, your duties, and other loved ones around you in the process of missing them. If you ever think you should’ve been better with them in anyway, take it as an opportunity to be better at least with those who are alive and with you now. Lest you regret the same again with others too.

As daunting as darkness might initially be, it’s only a few moments before our eyes adjust to it and learn to see. So, hang in there until you can see!

Before we go inward in pain, let’s look outside and see all the others who may need our love and support. We can’t get back those who are gone. But let’s try and help the rest of us survive and get past this. Individually we may collapse. Collectively we can survive. We need to look beyond our individual pain to be able to rise above the situation and do whatever is required of us at a humanitarian level. Let’s not expect others to be understanding. Let us understand since some are too gripped by fear to be able to do any better. They need even more love!

We shall get past this together! Prayers and wishes for you and your loved ones. Take care!

Narmada

You need to know this if you have the fear of losing someone you love

As kids, we live mostly in the present. We don’t usually tend to have responsibilities or many cares to get carried away with. Hence, we tend to be more in the present and enjoy the simple pleasures of life. However, as we grow older, things change. We have responsibilities, dreams, future, and past to think about. And as we grow and get into strong attachments, the thought of death or loss seeps in too. Not so much our own death as much as the death of someone we love or losing someone we love. That thought becomes an acute fear for some of us too.

I had a friend who once made an SOS call to me. His father was diagnosed with a rare kind of disease and didn’t have much time to live. Perhaps a year was what the doctors had said. All hell broke loose for my friend. He was very attached to his father and couldn’t bear the thought of his death. He called me thinking I had lost my father already and dealt with that loss. So, he wanted to understand what’s that entire process going to be like.

Honestly, death and life mean different things to different people. Even if I go through a ton of deaths personally, I can never explain to someone how it would be like for them when they go through something similar. Each to their own is best applicable here. In fact, even though I dealt with one, I truly wouldn’t know how I would, the next one. I can imagine, dream, prepare, but nothing would be like the real experience.

Why is that? Because we have something called the ‘impact bias’. We over-estimate the impact or intensity of future emotional states based on our current understanding and current life situations. But when it finally happens, our estimation might not be even close to reality. That’s because as humans, we tend to rationalize anything that happens to us. As a result of it, we learn acceptance and understanding of the event. And hence, the emotions that we feel towards that incident, significantly reduce over time. The feeling might not go away but the intensity certainly comes down. We can’t hold on to the intensity of any feeling beyond a point because we tend to rationalize or add logic to make sense of whatever has happened to us. Hence, impact bias is called a bias. Not a reality. It is a misguided perception.

If someone means a lot today, I spend significant time with them and they make my life easy, I obviously cannot imagine living without them tomorrow. The thought itself may send shudders down my spine. But the good news is, god forbid, even if that happens one day, I won’t be as devastated as I imagined. I’ll quickly come to terms with reality and grab hold of myself. The time taken might differ from person to person. And how they make sense of it might differ, but we do tend to change the way we view it.

This holds true for our so-called good incidents or dreams coming true as well. We attach more significance to them and imagine ourselves being super happy when we would achieve something. But when it finally happens, we actually don’t feel as excited as we thought we’d be and the effect runs down pretty quickly too. That promotion that you always dreamt of, might have created happiness but only for a shorter period of time – until your mind finds something else to run after. The wedding that you always dreamt of too, has its effect only until a certain point. Once that effect wears off, you wake up from the fairy tale and may find reality business as usual for the most part.

So, rather than living in the fancy dreams or fears, if we recognize that this is the moment to seize since this is the only moment that’s real, life’s going to be quite stress-free. Also, you won’t save your happiness for a later date or postpone it for any reason. You will experience life in its full bloom right now.

Nothing is ever as good or as bad as we think them to be. Don’t try to prepare yourself for what might happen – life is preparing you anyways. Live this moment to the fullest. If you give it all you have, you won’t have the past to regret or the future to be fearful of. People come and people go, life continues to go on!