Dealing with death

Lots of deaths happening around. We are unable to help it. There’s grief. Death shows no bias nor consideration for age, gender, power, value – or anything. We can neither choose when it happens, how happens, or to whom it happens. At times like these, just a couple of things that you might want to consider so that you can help yourself through these trying times:

1. It’s okay to cry. Let no one tell you and you don’t tell anyone that one should not cry. It’s not only normal, it is absolutely necessary that we give ourselves the liberty to cry it out, if we feel like it. Neither force anyone to not cry nor force anyone to cry. Each person had their own way to grieve. Respect the space. Not crying is not a source of strength nor is crying a sign of weakness.
2. We usually tend to think of the last moments and feel bad. Think of the good times with them. Recall stories from their life that stand out for you. Share with someone or write down if you wish. But recall all the great stories. Their entire life is always more powerful than their death in a moment. So make sure you remember and recall their life rather than fixate only on the dying part. Replay their life more than replaying their death. Their good stories will inspire you to live your life better. 
3. Avoid feeling bitter. Death is something that really isn’t in our hands. Death is the only thing that isn’t an “if”. It will happen! We can neither control nor choose when it happens or how it happens! So don’t blame yourself for their death. If their life were to continue it would have. Because their time had come, there was nothing you could do to save them. So don’t go on guilt trips or bitter trips. It’s really not in our hands. It’s okay to feel sad. But bitter makes it worse.
4. Don’t think of other possibilities after the person dies. It’s only a recipe to make yourself or others feel miserable. The fact that they are gone, no point talking of what you or anyone should have done differently to save them. Ideation to save their life after their death is a foolish idea. This only helps blaming. And blaming doesn’t really help. 
5. Don’t try to avoid their thoughts, or avoid looking at their photos or anything that reminds you of them. The more you try to avoid, the more it will continue to affect you. Deal with it. Feel the emotions because after some time your avoidance will make it all unbearable. Make your peace sooner than later. Dealing with them on a regular basis helps to reduce the intensity over time. Avoiding it by keeping yourself busy or distracted will make it a repressed thought and feeling which might storm out of you in strange ways and forms when you least expect it – and that too, for many years to come! Someone you loved all these years, doesn’t have to be suddenly forgotten, hidden, or repressed. 

When you think of them, think of their wonderful qualities, their life and how you can carry forward their legacy. May every thought of theirs give you the strength to move forward in life. Even if it is our loss today, we have to remember, we did gain a lot until this point. That’s why we feel the loss. Let us be grateful for all that we gained from them. We will miss their physical presence but if we look within, we’ll find a part of them within ourselves. It’s okay to miss their presence, but don’t miss your life, your duties, and other loved ones around you in the process of missing them. If you ever think you should’ve been better with them in anyway, take it as an opportunity to be better at least with those who are alive and with you now. Lest you regret the same again with others too.

As daunting as darkness might initially be, it’s only a few moments before our eyes adjust to it and learn to see. So, hang in there until you can see!

Before we go inward in pain, let’s look outside and see all the others who may need our love and support. We can’t get back those who are gone. But let’s try and help the rest of us survive and get past this. Individually we may collapse. Collectively we can survive. We need to look beyond our individual pain to be able to rise above the situation and do whatever is required of us at a humanitarian level. Let’s not expect others to be understanding. Let us understand since some are too gripped by fear to be able to do any better. They need even more love!

We shall get past this together! Prayers and wishes for you and your loved ones. Take care!

Narmada

Should we do something every day?

A very nice story I once heard – there was a person who bought a piece of land because he was told that there’s gold underneath. He bought it for real cheap because the person who was selling didn’t know of it. So, this man was happy and he spent a lot of money on buying the necessary equipment for digging the gold. He went about the process with great gusto. Days and weeks went by, but there was no sight of gold at all. His energy and enthusiasm kept decreasing by the day. His debts were increasing. He pledged all of his property to continue this work. It was his only ray of hope. Yet, no gold in sight. After some time, he was tired, broken, and lost hope. He thought maybe he was misinformed. He realized there’s no good to come of it and sold his land to someone at a throwaway price. He was desperate to get some money and go back to his normal life. A week later, he got to know that the person who bought the land from him, actually struck gold. And it was a lot! The man could never forgive himself for giving up. If only he had known that gold was so near, that his win was right around the corner!

However, that’s life. We won’t know when we are about to win. We will know only after we win. The key point is, can we trust and hang in there – in that ‘not-knowing state’. We may not know if our efforts are going to yield results, but can we continue to be consistent? Can we continue to keep the faith?

My own story – I started blogging a few years back when one of my colleagues had suggested. She did tell me right then, that consistency is the key. To keep writing and posting often. Of course, I didn’t follow that. I told myself that I can’t write for the sake of posting. I will write only when thoughts come to me. I won’t write for a habit. And I lived under that umbrella for the last 5 years.

Then came a belief changing moment. I saw this young lady, a phenomenal dancer, embark on a journey a year back. She set herself up for a challenge, to post a dance video every day. By then, I was doing videos on NLP – and I was doing one every two weeks. I thought that itself was challenging. And I wondered – creating every day would be huge! I would never set myself up for that kind of a challenge because I thought firstly, it would be really tough to create something every day. Secondly, the quality might be compromised as I start doing something for the sake of doing it. I couldn’t be further away from the truth.

(pic credit – Shruti Gupta – https://instagram.com/shruthi.kathak?igshid=196gnpib7u8ug)

It’s with great delight, that I take this opportunity to congratulate and compliment my inspiration – Shruti Gupta, as she completes a year of her challenge. 365 days of creation! It is mind-blowing! She dispelled a lot of fears/doubts. Not because she spoke to me but because she followed something. If some of you have noticed, 5 years, I wrote less than 100 blogs. Suddenly – last 40 days or so, I have written 40 odd blogs. I have been writing every day. I gave myself this challenge inspired by her. If she can do it, I can too. Initially, I had a thought, “What will I write about every day? Will I have enough things to write about?” Then I thought to myself – “When I am living every single day, how could I possibly run out of things to say?” It was a baseless fear.

Another fear I had was – won’t I be compromising on quality? Won’t I get repetitive? And then I thought, why do I need to judge myself even before I do something? Why do I have to hold myself from stepping forward, thinking what if I take a wrong step? Right or wrong, the journey was going to help me learn and become much better at what I am doing. That’s my biggest learning watching Shruti – I have seen her grow leaps and bounds as a dancer. This entire year, living and breathing dance every day – she has developed such a finesse that I dare say, her 20 years of dancing was on one side – and her growth in this one year is on one side. That’s when I thought, doesn’t matter if I get repetitive, it doesn’t matter if I make mistakes, it doesn’t matter if I don’t know what lies ahead or what should be my next step. I have to trust the process and plunge in. I have no clue of social media, I have no idea of SEO or using the right tags or anything for that matter. But not knowing what next shouldn’t be stopping me from what I can do now. And I realized as I kept moving forward, the next steps are making way by themselves. One day at a time. I still don’t know where is it going to lead me. But one thing for sure, I am enjoying the process of racking my brains every day and thinking of what to write and looking within and looking outside with a new lens every day.

Is it a bed of roses? Yes! With thorns! It wasn’t/isn’t easy. Shruti has a huge fan base now, but she also has some challenging times. We all see what we wish to see, regardless of what efforts someone puts in. If you see a dog walking on water, you can either be amazed that it is walking on water or complain that it can’t swim! But again, it’s a part of the journey to have both and learn to handle both. I think even the challenging situations and people have helped her learn how to deal with all of that in a much better way. A part of success is that we get to learn how to deal with others’ egos, judgments, and love-hate relationships too. And more importantly, how to handle ourselves, our egos, judgments, and relationships too, amidst all of that. From a young girl I saw a year back, she’s growing up to be a fine lady. They say a sign of excellence is when you know how to impart your knowledge to others. She has marveled at that.

And lastly, most importantly – this journey that I have begun – helped me stop one thing I was doing all these years – which was judging my work. I have been writing all these years but not posting because I had judged my work even before it was judged by anyone else. In the name of standards, I was only being critical. I wasn’t putting myself out there. Now, with having to write every day, I have had to let go of that need to get things right! And I can’t tell you how liberating it is! It’s like newfound freedom. I write because I want to write. Period! I am ready to make mistakes, miss a few words here and there – be corrected by friends, and learn! Perfection is no longer my pursuit. Neither is excellence. I realized they are byproducts of what you do. They aren’t the actual products to pursue. I am pursuing my passion. Not perfection. So, progress is important! For all this and more, thank you Shruti – I never knew that seeing you will have such a deep impact on so many levels! You did something for yourself. And by doing so, you have inspired many others too! It would be an injustice to not give credit to the one who makes such an impact! Thank you for the valuable life lessons and inspiration! Keep rocking! And I am absolutely certain,  there are many more gold mines coming your way as you dance along!